A/N:Title due to change, please leave a suggestion on what you think title should be, I just came up with this one on the spot.
She stood in the middle of the foyer, her back to the door. Nervous her fingers kept twisting the small red bracelet around her wrist. In front of her was the prettiest woman she ever saw, hair so blonde it almost seemed to resemble the way the moon shines off of water. Everything about her was beautiful, graceful. The way she stood, how she moved and how each step she took looked to be as if she was stepping into a dance. Though not only her, but her family as well; the two girls that could only be her daughters, how they take after her in every way, and the sons all three of them, looking as if they stepped out of the pages of a fairytale. The oldest, or so she thought, had hair the color of fire and eyes the color of ice. It made him seem different, mysterious, as if he had two hearts, two souls. Next brother had hair just like his mother and sisters, but eyes were green- like the color of the grass and the leaves. Then there was him, who stood in the corner of the room. He had hair the color of night, his eyes seemed muddy but still clear blue; and though he was handsome, that isn’t what caught her eye. It was the way he stood how he looked as if he would fly across the room and attack his mother who smiled at her, made her feel welcome. She didn’t know why, but she had a feeling it was because of her, that she was somehow in danger.
“Thank you, but I think I need to get going now.” Cassa replied, taking a step toward the front door, afraid to take her eyes off of the family.
“Why dear I really do insist. I just made a fresh batch of tea.”
Cassandra backed up another step, there was definitely something wrong. In one motion she spun around only to find the two girls blocking her way to the door, staring at her with a sickly sweet grin. That’s when her heart skipped a beat and she felt as if she would throw up.
“Please, I need to leave. I promised my mom I’d meet her for lunch.” She whimpered, scared.
“But dear, there’s something you aren’t telling us. I would like to know what it is.”
“Mother, please.” Cassa turned again, astonished. He spoke in the most wonderful voice she had ever heard, as if he was singing the song they all danced to. When she laid her eyes upon him, he had moved, shifted closer. “Please, obviously she doesn’t know anything. Let it go.” He crooned.
With a swift flick of her wrist, the other two boys flung themselves at the one with midnight hair. He gave one earsplitting scream and tried to bypass the other two, taking a leap towards the other side of the room. He was a second to late and just like that he was pinned down by their weight. In the same instant, the two girls grabbed Cassa’s arms, restraining her from any movement. Eyes wide Cassa swallowed the bile that rose up in her throat. Tears had started to form at the edges of her eyes.
“Stay out of this Jack, this doesn’t concern you.”
Jack, she thought to her self involuntarily.
“Now my sweet child, as long as you don’t struggle, I’ll be as quick as possible.” The women walked towards Cassandra, hands outstretched. She felt each ice-cold finger touch her temples one-by-one. Pain surged in side of her, like needles made of fire and ice battled their way through her body. What is happening? She thought to herself.
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Well, didn't even notice there was a prologue until I finished reviewing the first chapter. Nonetheless, I'm back.
To prologue or not to prologue - I would like to say that this in fact, is not a prologue and the article details exactly why it isn't. It also tells you when you should use a prologue and when you shouldn't, in any case, I strongly recommend you to read it.
This review is even going to be shorter than the other one. First problem I found was the opening paragraph, it was incredibly confusing. I'm going to repeat the same thing I said in the first chapter. You need to give us CONTEXT, CONTEXT, CONTEXT. Apologies for the caps, but I need to strike that thought home. It seems extremely random and abrupt because I have no idea why she is in the foyer, or who those women are. She's on the way to meet her mother for lunch, do why is she in this weeks foyer faced with strange women and a strange guy?
If you're going for suspense by holding back information, you're holding back too much information. There is a cause for everything, you can't simy show us the effect and not tell us one ounce of the cause, that's just not realsitic.
The way the girls spoke is also rather ungirl like, but sounds more like an evil old woman cackling to her prey. And why is calling them Mother? The exchange between Cass, Jack and the girls were also pretty fase paced. I would slow down and allow them to expand on their own.
Well, frankly. I would like to see where this prologue leads (it's still not a prologue but I don't know what to call it.) Frankly, this would have made a fine chapter one. Hope I helped in some way, and if you have any questions, let me know,
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I thought this was an intriguing beginning; I’m not completely sure what’s happening here, but I’m very interested to find out (I’m assuming that it’s an extract from later on in the story…) You have some good detailed description here, although I think your first paragraph is a little over-descriptive:
First of all, there’s an awful lot of information in this paragraph. My eyes hurt just trying to take everything in. You could really improve the readability of this by simply splitting the paragraph up into three or four smaller paragraphs; that way the reader can digest it in small chunks. Secondly, do you need all the description of how the characters look? It does let down the paragraph a bit, so I’d suggest deleting some of it, unless you can think of a way to retain the information and make it a bit more interesting.
You sometimes refer to Cassandra as Cassa, and at other times as Cassandra. You should probably make this consistent, otherwise it’s confusing.
The other thing I would say is that you need to work on the punctuation in your dialogue. When you write speech, you have a tendency to format it incorrectly. For example:
If there’s a tag such as “he said” “he crooned” then it’s a part of the speech, not a separate sentence. Therefore it should be: “Let it go,” he crooned. If you’re still a bit confused, try this article which explains it in more detail.
Apart from a few formatting issues, this was really well-written, and you’re clearly a talented writer. The story was really interesting, and I’m desperate to read on and find out what happens next. I also love the way you’ve ended the prologue on a cliffhanger – you’ve definitely got me hooked! I will go and read and review Chapter 1 now, and feel free to let me know if you have any future instalments you want reviewed!
Hello again! You probably know that I just the first chapter of your story, so I thought that I should probably get over here and read the prologue.
Nervous her fingers kept twisting the small red bracelet around her wrist.
You just missed a comma after nervous. I noticed that you've done this a few times. I suggest that you read each sentence really fast, only pausing if there is a comma or a full stop. That way you can find out when they are needed.
Next brother had hair just like his mother and sisters, but eyes were green- like the color of the grass and the leaves.
This isn't a good way to start a sentence, it needs to start with The next brother. You also need his before eyes to say that the eyes belong to him and not someone else.
“Mother, please.” Cassa turned again, astonished. He spoke in the most wonderful voice she had ever heard, as if he was singing the song they all danced to.
When I first read this, I thought that Cassandra was the one talking. You need to mention the speaker before you mention anyone else.
Those are the only things that need to be fixed. Like I said before, I'm really liking the story, so please keep writing it!
Welcome to YWS, WriteLiveRead! I must say, this story was phenomenal!!!!!! The imagery and mystery brought your story to life, and I really really REALLY enjoyed it! Not only was it written very professionally, but the way you introduced the characters with... elemental aspects really brought them to life! I felt incredibly attached to Cassandra and Jack even though so little was written about them (which is great in the mystery genre). The dialogue is suspenseful, and the cliffhanger at the end really threw me! This is a wonderful first piece to put up on YWS! Keep up the great work!