Cassandra looked at the ticket in her left hand, rubbing the smooth paper in between her fingers to make sure that it was real. Her heart was beating a mile a minute as she watched her future start to unfold in front of her own two eyes. It took Cass nearly 20 years to reach this point in her life and one wrong move could make it disappear. Cass stood looking at the arrival board for the Santa Fe train station, a worn out-old leather travel bag next to her. Inside was her world, or what she could take of it. If things went the way she planned then within the year Cass would be able to send for the rest. Maybe I’ll be able to come down and get it, she thought to herself.
“Cassandra Aleah Rodriguez, did you hear me or is your head still in the clouds?”Asked an older looking woman who stood next to Cass with her arms crossed, tapping a foot.
“Sorry mom, what did you say?” Replied Cassandra she looked away from the train ticket.
Cassndra’s mother sighed loudly and rolled hereyes as she reached into her black shoulder purse, “I said; do you have everything you need?”
“Yes, I think.” Cass counted off each item she had planned on taking in her head. Everything was there, but now that she thought about it something felt misplaced to her.
“Good, I am going to miss you so much sweetheart. I hope nothing goes wrong.” Cass’s mother leaned in and kissed her on the head. Reaching out she offered her daughter a small-envelope. “Here,this is for you. Your father and I believe that it is enough to get you started.”
Cassandra looked down and grabbed the envelope, looking inside she gave a small gasp her right hand reaching for her heart. “Mom, There’s got to be more then a thousand dollars in here” Cass proclaimed.
Her mom just smiled and picked up Cass’s bag as the train pulled up to the station. It was time, form this point forward everything about life that Cassandra thought she knew was going to change. Both Cass and her mom said bye for the last time as she stepped onto the railrunner’s platform. There was no going back now, Cass was on her own wither she liked it or not.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a pretty interesting first chapter, there seems to be quite a bit going on here that we don't fully understand without knowing the context of things here, but we still get a real good sense of sort of the weight of something big happening here, and the sense of who Cassandra and her relationship with here parents which is about as much as you can ask from the first part of a first chapter anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that's a pretty exciting place to start off a story, someone just about to set out on a life changing journey of sorts by the way things are phrased here...certainly looks like this person is about to make a pretty high stakes decision about their life here....and well, the way that you've written it certainly manages to bring that point across really well. Pretty start to a story here.
Well, that is some very typical mother daughter interaction there..xD...well in situations where the daughter is contemplating an exciting chapter of her life that is...
Well, the relationship here appears to be pretty healthy here..that much is pretty clear not to mention the feeling of having just forgotten that one thing before setting out on a long journey is definitely a very relatable one there. Well...besides the bit of risk there at the start, it looks like this one is a pretty standard start of a journey here.
Okay...the way their saying goodbye for the last time sounds like its a little bit concerning, that gives this goodbye a sense of finality that hangs a bit ominously in the air there...but...on the other hand, it does also convey a sense of a thing being set in motion here, so a pretty decent choice of ending there...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I'd say this one's a pretty solid start to a story, it certainly seems like the sort of thing that I would read at any rate. Got my attention with the talk of a potentially life journey cause those are always fun to read about.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
I really enjoyed reading this; I came straight from the prologue so it took me a moment to adjust to the fact that this is the real beginning to the story. It was short but sweet, and easy to read. This is really good as it is, but I have a few points to make that could (hopefully!) make it even better:
In front of her own two eyes? Why not simply, “in front of her eyes”?
Why do you need to say she’s older looking? You explain that it’s Cassandra’s mother pretty soon after that, so it would probably read better if you just simply say “asked her mother” or “asked the woman standing next to Cass”
This is an author interjection and it kind of interrupts the flow of the narrative, so I would suggest deleting it. Also, it should be “from” not “form.”
I was also a little surprised that Cass had so much money on her; what if it was stolen? Wouldn’t her mother have sent a cheque, or simply transferred some money to Cass’s bank account? Also, “proclaimed” seems unnecessary, as the reader can tell that’s what she’s doing. Perhaps a better verb would be “whispered” – after all, if Cass does have that much money, she surely has the good sense not to publicise it.
I have a couple more nitpicks:
“small-envelope” should be small envelope.
“Cass was on her own wither she liked it or not” – wither should be whether.
Also, as I said in my previous review, you need to make sure the dialogue is formatted correctly. I’ll link you to this article again.
Hopefully that was helpful, and don’t be discouraged by my feedback! Feel free to let me know when the next chapter is up.
Heyo! Flite here! Happy review day! You've just made my night because of how lovely and short this chapter was. Now let's see if I can make yours. (Probably not, because I will shred your chapter apart.)
I'm not going to focus too much on technical details but I'm going to talk about this chapter in general. It is really far too short for a proper chapter length, because there isn't enough room for sufficient character or background development. Such as the reason as to why Cass is there and why she is boarding the train, we need those background details. I'm also rather curious as to why you didn't continue with this chapter, why didn't you finish writing what Cass did as she board the train?
Or alternatively, you could provide us with the information as to why Cass is here in the first place. This seems to be a rather significant moment in her life, judging from the statement that it had taken her twenty years to get here. And apparently one move could damage it, but why isn't this reflecting in her demeanor? Why isn't she nervous or apprehensive at all, in fact, there isn't much description on the whole. Try and show us things, use your descriptions to add meaning to your characters, choose words that will appeal to the senses. I would really like to gain more insight into Cass as a character, but we're getting nothing apart from dialogue and a few words.
Speaking of dialogue, your dialogue could also be improved. The character's action or the tagging doesn't match up with their spoken words. Take the mother for example, her mood seem to switch incredibly quick from scolding her daughter to I love you mode. That sort of mood transition requires some easing into. They also have a style that resembles that direct ask and answer style. It is basically when you have two characters corresponding to each other straight off the bat.
Mary: Can you pass the salt.
John: Yes.
Mary: Do you like the chicken?
John: of course, it is delicious.
^ quick example. As you can see, there is no variation and the dialogue soon falls flat. I'd vary your dialogue so that it reveals a bit more about Cass. Maybe she might question her mother, or herself as her mother asks these questions.
I would also like to point out that the tone here takes on a very factual and telling quality, which is probably related to the lack of descriptions in here and how it is just pure action. I hope I wasn't too harsh. Please let me know if you have any questions.
-Flite
Happy Review Day!! I found this story very interesting, I was grabbed by the way you started by saying that something extremely important was about to happen. I have just a few nitpicks which might help you make this chapter even better.
Just kidding, but you should say that it's her foot she's tapping, not just a foot.
It took Cass nearly 20 years to reach this point in her life and one wrong move could make it disappear.
This is just a case of rewording. To make it sound correct, you should rewrite the start like this: It had taken Cass...
Asked an older looking woman who stood next to Cass with her arms crossed, tapping a foot.
The woman went to a two dollar store, bought a rubber foot, then tapped it on the ground.
Cassandra looked down and grabbed the envelope, looking inside she gave a small gasp her right hand reaching for her heart.
You just forgot a comma inbetween gasp and her.
Those are all the nitpicks I could find! Let me know when part two is written and I'll gladly review it for you.
Hello. Magenta here for a review!
I am in love with short stories. I've probably already said that, but I'll say it again anyway. I really like your title. It's dramatic and mysterious and catches my attention.
Great opening! I'm finding it hard to critique this though.
There are only a couple of thing that I would change. I would first, change the number 20, to be spelt out, since it is less than 100.
The word mom here, should be capitalized, because that is the name that Cassandra refers to her as. And for this quote and for all other parts of dialogue, the letter directly after the quotation is not capitalized. There should also be a comma after Cassandra's name.
Nit-picks. You forgot the space between her and eyes. Then, place a comma after that and change the semi-colon to a comma, as well. You don't really have to listen to my instructions, but they were just little things that I saw.
I really hope that I helped you.
-Magenta