Young Writers Society

Hi WrenZorya,

Mailice back with a short review!

That was an interesting chapter. I didn't think the story would change in this direction after the first chapter. I welcome this change (if you can even call it that) and I also love that you used a delicate subject matter in a literary method. I don't know to what extent autism will play a role in the story, but I think you've already taken a good first step towards creating a certain problem/conflict. I like that.

I liked the dialogues. Some of them had a uniqueness and flexibility in them, but sometimes they read a bit simplistic. The situation calls for giving some characterisation to the characters, even in such exceptional moments. Unfortunately, I did not find this in every dialogue. I also found it a pity that although you tell them that they are on a ship, you don't always add new information or descriptions to give the reader this thing pictorially in front of their eyes. I think you could expand on that a bit.

I thought the chapter was well written, with some minor details that need to be fleshed out, but in summary I liked it because you didn't beat around the bush.

Other points that caught my eye:

Farzeen jumped back in shock when she walked in on Verity rummaging through her drawers.

I don't know what I find so fascinating about this sentence because it doesn't really stand out at all and yet I think it has to do with this inverse use of "jump" and "walk".

Verity screamed and dropped a book. Why was she reading the Log?

I think here you don't necessarily need to say it's "a book". You can mention it directly as a log and rewrite the second sentence with a pronoun, or to make it even more mysterious, describe the log a little.

not here, not Verity!

The capitalisation for "not" is missing here.

"I wanted to make sure you were doing your job correctly, what with your mental disabilities and all. I'm not convinced an autistic could navigate this ship. Can you really blame me?" Verity's tone was sympathetic, but her words cut deep.

Even when Verity says it in a sympathetic tone, it is extremely rude to express yourself in this way. It's almost cheeky.

than a tribe of Flærkings* at dusk!"

I think you've done a great job of marking such information with an * and inserting it like a footnote at the end, but think you could note it through an Author's Note either at the beginning or also insert it as a short interline in the story. That way, the reader has to scroll back and forth to the end instead of having the info right at the beginning or right where it's needed.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hi it's Dossereana again back with another review for you. Now then let's jump right into it shell we.

Farzeen finished inspecting the ship in record time. It was always a tedious task to check all the ropes and sails, but it was a rewarding one. Now all she had left to do was to record their position in the Log, and she'd be free to finish her book.

It's so satisfying to finish a book, its the best feeling. That's mostly if the books really good though, if it doesn't get you hooked then well it ain't doing what it's supposed to.

Farzeen jumped back in shock when she walked in on Verity rummaging through her drawers.

"What... what are you doing here?"

Verity screamed and dropped a book. Why was she reading the Log?

"Farzeen...oh you gave me such a fright... do be careful to announce yourself next time!" Verity was clutching her chest.

My first thought, this is ort to go badly. then it's just like, well yeah she's going to give you a fright your going though her stuff, what do you think she's going to do hug ya.

Farzeen got a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew what was coming, but she couldn't believe it. not here, not Verity! No matter how much she pleaded in her mind, the inevitable still came.

Now this is getting some questions to come into my mind and wonder what is going on here. How's this all going to end.

"I wanted to make sure you were doing your job correctly, what with your mental disabilities and all. I'm not convinced an autistic could navigate this ship. Can you really blame me?" Verity's tone was sympathetic, but her words cut deep.

Wow that must have hurt Farzeen, shame. I'm not sure I like Verity that much she seams to be a little rude and nose, but a great character to have in the story. the drama is what's going to get me hooked.

She squeaked, "Sorry!" at the same time Morgan exclaimed

"Why are you crying?! Has someone hurt you?!"

"N-no... it's fine..." Farzeen sniffled and attempted to hide her face.

Morgan's gaze softened and she gave Farzeen a warm hug.

"Now, tell me what's wrong."

Aww Morgan's now being such gentle soul. Isn't Morgan sweet. Poor Farzeen I would've given her a hug as well. Verity really hurt her feelings and more that's for sure.

"I am not going to let her get away with this! It was uncalled for, and it was all lies, Z! The way she talked to you was loathsome! I refuse to stand for this, she can say whatever she wishes about me but no one speaks to you that way!” Morgan stormed towards the closed door, heels clacking on the wood.

XD I don't no I'm laughing maybe because Morgan's scarring me a bit right now. Gosh she's really mad. I was not sure what was going to happen here. I love the description that you gave of with this I can just hear her heels clacking against the floor.

"What are you all-" She was cut off by an encompassing purple light lifting her off the ground and throwing her into a stack of crates. She groaned in pain.

Well that when well, not, in fact its going really badly, Morgan's gotten herself in such a rage over all of this.

I loved reading this chapter and look forward to when you post the next one. I got some real good thoughts going around in my head about the characters. So keep up the great writing, I love where this is going so far.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaack to see this second chapter here...I think I remember looking through the first one...xD

First Impression: Hmm...well this look from Farzeen's perspective was definitely really interesting, it lets you get a second opinion of what all these other characters are like and that makes it a lot more convenient to try and judge what they are...hmm...well let's see as this continues I suppose.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Farzeen finished inspecting the ship in record time. It was always a tedious task to check all the ropes and sails, but it was a rewarding one. Now all she had left to do was to record their position in the Log, and she'd be free to finish her book.

Woohoo...getting work done quickly is definitely a very satisfying thing...that much is very true.

Farzeen jumped back in shock when she walked in on Verity rummaging through her drawers.

"What... what are you doing here?"

Oooh...okay...that looks suspicious...or is it?

Verity screamed and dropped a book. Why was she reading the Log?

"Farzeen...oh you gave me such a fright... do be careful to announce yourself next time!" Verity was clutching her chest.

Well..that does seem like a good idea on a pirate ship cause you just never know when the person coming to surprise you is also the one trying to kill you.

"Why are you in here? Why are you reading the Log? Did Idalia ask to see it?"

Verity hesitated for a moment.

"Well... I wanted to make sure it was being maintained correctly."

Hmm..okay...well looks like her position on the ship is being questioned here or something along those lines judging by how scared she appears to be about this book being checked here.

Farzeen got a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew what was coming, but she couldn't believe it. not here, not Verity! No matter how much she pleaded in her mind, the inevitable still came.

"I wanted to make sure you were doing your job correctly, what with your mental disabilities and all. I'm not convinced an autistic could navigate this ship. Can you really blame me?" Verity's tone was sympathetic, but her words cut deep.

Oh dear...well those words definitely are the kind of thing to cut deep, ahh...its the sort of thing that's uncomfortably close to how things sometimes in real life and just makes you wonder sometimes....really interested to how this pans out over the course of the story.

"How could you say that?! I've done a perfect job of navigating this ship, Idalia checks the Log herself and agrees with me! What have I ever done to make you think I'm unqualified?!"

Well that is some very well justified anger right there.

Farzeen bolted from the room before Verity could reply. She had worked so hard to prove herself, to make people realize she wasn't helpless, that she could go to school and have a job. And now VERITY of all people... but Verity had always been right before. Why would that change now? She had just confirmed what everyone always said about her. Blinded by her tears, Farzeen ran headfirst into Morgan.

Ohh...well...that's a sad thing to see happen there...also hmm...well this is going to be interesting...Farzeen...the kind and innocent one and supposedly Morgan was the bad one...well this should be interesting to see how Farzeen and Morgan got along so well in that previous chapter.

She squeaked, "Sorry!" at the same time Morgan exclaimed

"Why are you crying?! Has someone hurt you?!"

"N-no... it's fine..." Farzeen sniffled and attempted to hide her face.

Morgan's gaze softened and she gave Farzeen a warm hug.

Aww....I love warm hugs and this moment is far too wholesome for someone's own good here..ahh...this is a lovely little scene to see the crew bonding somewhat it seems...well let's see how this scene continues I suppose.

"Now, tell me what's wrong."

Farzeen tried to explain what had happened, but she couldn't get the words out. She buried her face in Morgan's arms instead.

"There, there." She patted Farzeen's head awkwardly.

Hmm...well the poor girl definitely seems to be effected very badly here and well that's definitely very realistic...this is definitely the kind of sadness you'd expect to see in such a situation.

Everything that had just happened came spilling out in miserable sentences. The whole time, Morgan stroked her hair and stood like a statue. When she was finished, Morgan's purple eyes blazed with fury and she looked ready to kill.

"Morgan-please- it's not a big deal. Just, just let it go. Please."

Oh that is a big deal trust me...I've a couple of friends who are autistic...and well I would definitely be doing exactly what Morgan is doing at this point...very much called for anger that one.

"I am not going to let her get away with this! It was uncalled for, and it was all lies, Z! The way she talked to you was loathsome! I refuse to stand for this, she can say whatever she wishes about me but no one speaks to you that way!” Morgan stormed towards the closed door, heels clacking on the wood.

YES....

Before Morgan could do something she'd regret, Ruri came around the corner, drawn out by all the commotion.

"What in the blazes is going on out here?! You two are louder than a tribe of Flærkings* at dusk!"

Uh oh...wasn't Ruri the character from the previous chapter that hated Morgan...this is going to get interesting now I see.

"Your 'friend' Verity called Z an-an- an autistic! And she told her that she was unfit for duty, she was going through her personal effects! I will not let her get away with this!" Morgan tried to sidestep Ruri, but she shot her arm out to trap her.

"You're mistaken. Verity would never say anything like that, she loves Farzeen! I don't know why you'd ever think that would happen-"

Oh well...Ruri refuses to believe that too...this is definitely going to end in some sort of fight at this rate...oh no.

"She told me herself, is that not good enough for you?"

Ruri looked hesitant, Farzeen never lied. She was almost painfully honest sometimes. But Verity couldn't have said those things...

"I...I...Farzeen..."

Well Ruri is definitely facing a bit of conflict there between her trust in here friend and her trust in Farzeen, let's see whose side she ends up taking I suppose.

Farzeen grabbed the back of Morgan's dress in dismay. Now even Ruri had turned on her. Was she really so inept that no one but Morgan was with her? No, Idalia trusted her. That should be enough for them.

Oh no, Farzeen starting to doubt herself like that is not a good sign.

Morgan tried again to wrench open the door to Farzeen's quarters, but Ruri snarled and gripped her sword. The door swung open and Verity stepped cautiously out into the ruckus.

"What are you all-" She was cut off by an encompassing purple light lifting her off the ground and throwing her into a stack of crates. She groaned in pain.

YAY!! Although know I suppose Ruri is definitely going to attack her and a proper fight is going to break out.

"How dare you?! Morgan Diellza, I'll kill you you arka völva!"** Ruri drew her sword and rushed at Morgan.

Oh dear...here we goo.

Morgan shielded herself with purple-black energy and countered with a slash of her own. Farzeen tried to pull her away, she couldn't bear to watch her two best friends hurt or potentially kill each other. Morgan shook her off and attempted another strike at Ruri. Ruri kneed her in the stomach and grabbed her hair.

Oh well, this is not a good sign at all, now this is starting to rapidly escalate...although the beats of the fight here are done pretty well, it definitely flows quite nicely here, can't wait to see what kind of fight scenes we might see in the future...this little taste we get here already seems pretty awesome.

"STOP! Everyone just stop!" Farzeen stepped in between Ruri and Morgan, both women panting heavily with dangerous looks in their eyes. "I won't allow this! You can't attack each other like that, it's not right! Please," she implored, "Please I can't stand this." She was close to tears now, and she hated herself for being so vulnerable.

Oh dear...the poor girl definitely must be feeling super conflicted at having to see something like this play out here especially between here two friends...hmm...well at this point yeah, those two fighting won't be helping the poor girl at all, they need to have a bit of a discussion with Verity.

They both looked ashamed. They refused to look at each other or apologize, but at least they weren't trying to murder each other anymore.

"What. IN EL'S*** NAME. Happened here?!" Idalia was holding up an injured Verity, looking uncharacteristically terrifying.

Well the captain is here to restore proper order it seems...now that is good captaincy, always a good sign to see in a story like this, a captain that can see when a fight is happening and immediately moves to neutralize it with authority rather than one that never seems to know what's going on.

Morgan scoffed and Ruri crossed her arms, so of course, it was up to Farzeen to explain everything. When she was finished, Idalia dismissed her so she could speak with them alone. Farzeen trudged slowly to the Crow's Nest, not wanting her friends to be in trouble. She could hear Idalia yelling far down below, but she couldn't make any words out. She stroked Bunny's fur and picked up her book, trying to keep her mind from spiraling down a dark path. She let the tears fall and held Bunny close to her chest, the skvader's breathing pattern soothing her to sleep.

OH well...they're getting yelled at and this girl is left to deal with all her emotions alone...that doesn't seem like a good thing at all....but I have to say I'm starting to like these characters so far...well obviously I don't quite know enough about them yet in chapter two but they all definitely seem to have fairly distinct personalities and that's the first sign that things are going well. Let's see as we continue I suppose.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this seems like a pretty solid second chapter so far, we now have a pretty good sense of everyone might be like and we have another sort of cliffhanger here....well I do believe I will read that third chapter too...whenever it is that it comes out. Till then...I wait.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry