Big Fat Mouth

Hi, WordsOfLove!

This was a good start. Actually, I think the idea behind this is pretty awesome. But there's so much more you can do with it, I think, so I'll share my opinions here. But I must say that the tone of the speaker is awesome, and the story behind it is just as cool. So there's a lot you can do with this, and I'm excited to see this improve!

What I noticed as I read this was that there was more chorus than verse. Usually the chorus has the general gist of the song's message, then the verse goes into further depth into what the song's trying to say. That doesn't really happen here, and I think you could use those verses to not only rewrite the chorus but provide even more story or background or support to your message.

So I mention rewriting the chorus, but I don't mean that it's bad. It actually makes a really good verse by itself! It has a lot of good stuff, but it's not the kind of chorus that sums up the song or gets stuck in my head, you know? Make the chorus more catchy and/or shorten it, that way you can use the verses for the song's story. The verses provide much more fluctuation and more room for expanding the message of the song, so you might find you like that better.

Now, I also found the flow to be a bit broken in places. Know that I didn't hear this with the music. I could only read it! So this may matter a whole lot or not at all. But some of the phrasing and sentence structure is awkward. Check the transitions into each line. Maybe you just put in linebreaks in the wrong places.

I did find this an awesome start though, so I hope you rework it a bit. You might find it'll get a new look after an edit, but I think it would do your song plenty more justice. I look forward to reading more of your work! Welcome to Lyrics!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi there! Rosie here to review your work!

First off, welcome to YWS. I hope that you like it here as much as I do; my writing has improved vastly since I first joined, and there are quite a few amazing, helpful people on here who are always ready to give advice. If you've got any questions at all, feel free to ask me or anyone else on here and we'll help you out! That being said, let's move on to the review!

If you disagree with anything I write, please feel free to disregard it entirely as it's only my personal opinion. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is what matters most, and if you love this, don't change a single word. Your unique viewpoints are what's going to set your work apart from others, so never sacrifice them.

Frankly, I'm not a huge fan of this poem. In my mind, it's overly redundant and sort of one-note. All it basically speaks about is guns and telling people to "shut their big fat mouths." It reads like a jumbled, mediocre country song I'd only leave on because all of the other radio stations were playing advertisements.

So, I don't like this. Now what? When I offer criticism, I always offer my own opinion on ways to improve work. I'll do the same here.

My first piece of advice is to rethink what you're writing about. To me, this reads like a stereotypical country song about a one-note, gun-toting country girl. Characters that you write about should never be one-note or stereotypical. When they are, they become uninteresting, something no character should be. I'm sure you're not one-note, so don't make your characters be that. Create characters with depth. Even if you're writing about tough characters, you can make them have depth. Make them human.

Secondly, mix things up a little bit. Since this is obviously in song format, it's okay to have a chorus, but that chorus must be unique in order to keep readers (or listeners) interested for the entirety of the song. Use words that are vibrant and unusual, words that you don't hear everyday. One of my favorite tools is a thesaurus; I usually have a Roget's Thesaurus near me, but when I don't, I use thesaurus.com. A thesaurus is a valuable tool, and if you use it correctly, an invaluable one.

Lastly, keep at it! Writing takes hard work. Never give up writing because of what anyone says about your work, including me. Again, if you disagree with what I've said about this, don't listen to it! I'm just offering my opinion, and the last thing I want to do is offend you.

Always keep writing!

-Rosie