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140,452 Literary Works • 673,211 Reviews
Hi Girly!
Here to review!
I have to admit, I was very very happily surprised by this poem. Your grammar was very nicely done, no spelling mistakes, and a nice idea. Here's the one problem I found with this. It doesn't have a coloring.
When I say coloring, I mean with your words. The words you've used are common words, words you use in everyday speech. You should try experiment a little. Choose on of those words in your poem. Get a thesaurus, and look up alternate words. It'll add a little spark to your poem, and make it a little more interesting to read. Also, maybe you should elaborate on your story line just a hair. We don't really get a feel for what the narrator is feeling WHILE she/he is telling us this. Are they sad? Are they regretful? Are they angry? Are they guilty? Are they blaming someone for their past, or themselves?
Write a little more. Think through your narrators emotions. Pick through them, find out what makes their minds tick, and why they're thinking this in the first place.
Decide what happened to make them think this way, how they think about it, what their body language is while writing this. Imagine someone sitting at a desk writing this. What they're doing as they do. Do they pause? Is this hard for them, or is it easy and just flowing out of them?
I promise, even if it's subconscious, it'll make a huge difference in the way you write.
Wonderful poem! Good job!
<3
thanks alot!!!