Hey everybody, and merry Christmas Eve ^-^ I wrote a song a few months ago, to my father, who sometimes...well, let's just say that we've had a rocky relationship these past few years. Anyways, I wrote this song for him and gave it to him, but it was a waste of time and effort. He never said anything and nothing has improved. But, I thought that you guys would like it, so voila! Here it is! ;D By the way, since this is a mixtape, I just borrowed the chorus of Becky G's song "Grow Up Girl."
[Chorus]
Just grow up
Just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
[Verse 1]
I know I’m not the perfect child
I’m expected to be
I know I mess up sometimes
And you yell at me
But either way I love you
And either way you love me
And either way I know inside
You’re gonna have to accept me
I’m gonna make mistakes in life
And there’s no changing that
(Just grow up grow up)
I’m gonna screw up a few times
But no one’s perfect
(Just grow up grow up)
So maybe we could get along
If we sat and talked
Instead of launching diatribes
And punching the wall
But guess what
I’ve got something
For you
You’re gonna have to grow up now
Cuz I ain’t changing.
[Chorus]
Just just grow up
Just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
[Verse 2]
You don’t approve of the music
I listen to
But everyone’s got opinions and
So do you
I’ve been told that I’m not
Responsible
I’ve been told that I’m not
Careful
(Just grow up grow up)
But I think it’s time
The tables have turned
And I think it’s time
You should know
It’s about time that you grew up now
it’s about time that you realized!
It’s about time that you’ve figured out
That I’m still growing.
(I'll just let you know just got to grow)
[Bridge]
So maybe we could get along
If we sat and talked
Instead of launching diatribes
And punching the wall
But guess what
I’ve got a little something
For you
You’re gonna have to grow up now
Cuz I ain’t changing.
[Chorus]
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
Just just grow up
Just just just grow up grow up
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
(i'll just let you know just got to grow)
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That is absolutely beautiful. The only thing I can suggest now is to just write a tune if you haven't already. It is so heartfelt and though personal, I know that it can relate to a lot of people and it really is amazing how you did that with the chorus. I love it so much. Keep writing. Maybe try replacing some words if you were to publish it for real so more people can relate to it (relationship problems with like a boyfriend or girlfriend, which is just about all that is in the music industry right now!) Keep writing and good luck with your father.
-Wonderlandashes
Thank you!!
Yeah I've been wondering if I should post it on YouTube or something..... O.o
I hadn't heard Becky G's song before. The only song of hers I knew is from the animated movie "Hotel Transylvania," and it's hardly so emotional.
What you've written is quite expressive. And personal. I'm not quite sure I ought to review it - so, if you like, you can stop reading after the next paragraph.
I'm not a songwriter. Or mixer. Singer. Anything like that. But this is... beatific. That word mean blissfully happy. It was inspired by... desolation, I suppose. Which is what makes it so pleasant - so serene. It's... I don't know. An inspiring sadness. A sadness that feels like it has potential. I'm being sappy; but I don't really care. Regardless of your personal situation, you have written something extraordinary. Music is the most happy and beautiful of mediums. (One could argue that point - but I will turn to nothing else to console me.)
So that's a lot of gaff. If you made it this far, and didn't stop reading, I should hope my review is somewhat rewarding. Worthwhile. Here goes.
Technical whatnot: There's only one set of lines I didn't think flowed quite so well.
The word diatribes doesn't feel like it fits the context. If you're channeling some Becky G, consider what's appropriate diction. Additionally, she tends to rhyme or give shoutouts - much like a rapper, in general. And in both rap and hip hop, wordplay is ultimate. If you've ever analyzed any Eminem (I know - sort of stereotypical), you'll notice he does two major things: he uses absolutely wild metaphors and he somehow makes them flow together. You're pretty good on flow - mostly solid rhyme scheme, you rarely break between lines or chop verses. All you lack is the quip to match.
Upon listening to more Becky, I think my hunch relating her style to Eminem (on a very basic level) is valid. Of course, feel free to disagree.
Holistically, you do a great job of expressing disappointment, of evoking frustration and anger. But you make a very powerful shift - suggesting that the recipient of the song is the one needing to grow up, perhaps along with you. That you must grow together. You just make the shift too abruptly.
I feel I understand what you mean here - what I expressed above. I could be wrong, of course. But I don't think so. "I've got something/For you/You're gonna have to grow up now" - it just doesn't follow. Logical progression is broken a bit. You can bring it back sometimes - it can be done, and to great effect.
In essence, were any part of these lyrics to be revised, it should be the quote directly above. Perhaps the crux of the song, at the end of those lines -- and it doesn't come through. In a turn of phrase I'll admit is better suited to fiction: your apotheosis lacks punch. It's mainly a little confusing. And I hate having reviewers say that -- and you'll notice I didn't give any specific revisions to make. But I think if you can re-imagine the state of mind that wrought this piece, you'll see the disconnect, and understand how best to revise it. And in a way that's more you, and better for the piece, than anything I could come up with.
So that's that. I'm going to go like this now, and thank you very much for sharing it. I truly appreciated the sentiment. I truly enjoyed reading (or listening?).
Be forever hortatory,
And Merry Christmas
~Skorlir
Aww thank you
Yeah I didn't spend too much time on it and got stuck in some places.... -.- But thank you for the review!!! <3