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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, @Wolfical! I'm Vilnius, here to review your work!
I think this is a great poem that you've crated here. The imagery and thoughts you've expressed are strengthened by your background. You've made me feel like I'm among a group of pioneers, traveling paths that Davy Crockett could only dream of!
I really like this poem, and I plan to read some of your other poems during #RevMo .
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Hi Wolfical! Haraya here with a review.
This was a great poem. The imagery is wonderful and the layout of the poem was intereseting. Here is my critique.
Imagery:
Generally your imagery was amazing. My favorite is the first stanza, which I think was the most vivid. However, some of the lines in the proceeding stanzas seemed vague and confusing.
"Nightfall rapid steeply snared our search"
I felt confused because you didn't leave any more details about the "search." What was the speaker of the poem searching? Was it the view? At its worst, it felt like it was just there to complete the alliteration in the line. If we interpret that the speaker is looking for this beautiful view I think this wouldn't make sense since the speaker already described it in the first stanza. I wish this would be clarified, but even so, I don't think this damages the poem heavily.
"Today this savage key to realms uncharted
glimmers from my grip half-hearted"
Another small word made some confusion for me here. Because you said "this," you could have meant something you've been talking about or something you are holding. If you meant the first, I think it would have made more sense since you may have meant the forest is the key. However, you said it's in your grip so it wouldn't make sense to have the forest in your grip. If I try the second interpretation, you are holding a savage key in your hands. My problem with this is similar to the one I tackled earlier. It was kind of just mentioned in passing. What is this savage key? It should be important since it connotates importance. I wish there were more details about this.
Structure:
My understanding of your structure is you are following the course of the spring. I think this was very creative. However, I think this interesting structure could have enhanced. Since you are portraying the flow of water, I think it could have been better if the transitions between your stanzas flowed very smoothly. I think what you did was introduce a different aspect of the forest in each stanza, which was all right, but I think it didn't use the structure to its fullest potential.
That's all I have to say! I still think this is a good poem and very interesting. Hope my review helped out! Best of luck to you in your future works!
This is a great review - thank you so much for your thoughts and recommendations!! <3
I'll clarify some things!
- They're searching for new land, specifically the land that's "teased" beyond the "bars of bony birch" shown in the painting
- The "key" is an axe! This is suggested by the last line. If the line of trees is a door, you need that key to "open" it. I understand what you mean about the "this" being confusing
- I dig the interpretation of the structure looking like the spring! But I mostly just did what I thought would look good over the painting, or what made sense visually for the individual line
Hello Wolfical! I saw this poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!
I love how you used the painting as a background and inspiration for a poem! The language and imagery that you used in the poem beautifully complements the tones and brushstrokes in the painting. I like your choice to avoid punctuation as it lets the words sort of blend in and feel like part of the artwork - allowing the painting to act as punctuation on its own, even. And the way you formatted some of the lines like
and
was really visually appealing!
I also really loved how you used a bit of an oxymoron in the first line,
It gives the reader a beautiful image in their mind, even though technically water can't really be dusty.
So overall, I think that the imagery and formatting in this poem was really strong!
That being said, I do have a couple of critiques. First, your rhyming scheme isn't super consistent; the pattern is
abab
ccc
dd
eee
f
It's not a huge deal, but I personally always recommend trying to keep a rhyming scheme consistent if you're planning on using one. (If this is a structure of a specific type of poem that I just don't know about, please ignore this and pardon my ignorance.)
My other critique is very minor and just has to do with one of the lines.
The above line is a bit confusing, and I think it's because of how you ordered the words. It would probably be clearer if you worded it like so -
But again, very minor.
All in all I really enjoyed this poem! The imagery was really gorgeous and the rhyming felt very natural. I love it when different forms of art such as painting and poetry are combined, and you did so very skillfully in this case!
That's it for my review, hope you find it helpful! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
Aaa such a good review! Thank you! <3 I like the "Rapid nightfall" suggestion a lot.