Published May 7, 2010
~Gone
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
Thank you Snoink and Elfwriter97 =) The same with the other poem, I'll try to revise this on the weekend with your advices ^^
Kyousuke:
This was amazing. Your descriptions were awesome, and the rhythm was flowing and free, as was your rhyming, which in most cases, tends to seem forced, and not natural.
There were only a few things I would like to say; critically at least.
-For poems like this one, I tend to find it more becoming when the lines in a poem are double-spaced, as opposed to small paragraphs.
-This is very optional, but a lot of people find more in a poem if you add a picture; if it was a depressing story you might do a closeup of a crying eye (etc).
PLEASE keep posting!!! We love you!!!
--Elfy
Hey, Kyousuke! Saw you reviewing, so I'd figure I would swing by.
I noticed that you had to tell what your poem was about at the very beginning and you had to explain its origins. Instead of doing this, consider showing in the poem that it's about betrayal. That way, it'll become less abstract and more real. And let's face it... the more real it is, the more powerful a poem it'll be.
Thanks you guys a lot ^^ Kept me trying to write poetry despite all my self-awareness of how much I'm bad at making it rhyme when I want to put my feelings into it.
I certainly could try writing a non-rhyming version, just that'd take some time too, because here we all have written deep in our minds that poetry usually has to rhyme.
Once again thanks =) I'll keep trying to improve my poetry!
Kyousuke
Ky:
I like it a lot. I was wondering if you'd think about writing a non-rhyming version. Just for comparison. I like it as is, but I was just thinking it might be even better if you considered just writing it without the rhymes. If this isn't something you want to do, I don't think it's that important.
Sarebear
This is good. I write a lot of poems but I couldn't ryhme evey other line and have it actully make sence. the only thing about it is in the last stanza. Remedy and rowdy my end in the y sound but it doesnt really sound right to me. i guess mabye im just being to picky but over all a grea peice