Published December 27, 2007
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140,527 Literary Works • 673,392 Reviews
Dang this was pretty cool. Sounds like a real Hell. So is this like a falling star or something? Anyways, I really liked it.
Thank-you all for your comments!
ThanatosPrinciple >> I got the title 'Master of the Forum' for having 1000 posts. And you can find your saved drafts here. And thank-you for the comments! =]
enjeru >> Hehe, thanks! It is abstract.
Louisa Clack >> This isn't really meant to have character development or plot, but I see what you mean. I wrote it more of an exercise for abstract imagery and such, but I appreciate your comments!
Cheers,
Camille
I liked this, its really interesting
Not sure hwre its going though and there are no senses of character or plot really. If you made it more into a poem it would be ok, but if its a story idea, make it more of prolouge style? =)
Good work
x
very abstract...but i like it. ^_^
there's alot of imagery about snow. it makes it seem kinda cold. *brr* but it also seems beautiful, if somewhat fierce. like snow.
its an overall good job. i like your description. keep it up!
but for some reason it was a little hard to read the first time around. I think it should be a little more clear and the paragraph should be less huge and crowded. Otherwise it was very good. Oh, yes, and what does Master of the Forum mean? And how do you find a saved draft on YWS? (im new)
Thank-you for your comments, everyone!
I'm thinking of using this in my novel, and if I do, I will definitely be adding character development and all. But for the time being, this will just be as it is.
Anyways. I'll proofread this again to correct the tense mistakes.
Thanks for the help,
Camille
I don't know how to feel about this...
I like the idea, and would be very interested to see if you can make a novel from this!
There are a few places that you change tense, I'm not sure if that's intentional but it can be verey tiring to read, especially with such strong words, mtepahors etc.
There are a few wurstions that intrgue me - will there be any plot? Will you include character development? Will this just be a long poem story?
I really like the imagery, you seem to know what you're doing, which is something thes days!
Let me know if you post anymore, I'd like to take a peek.
your can really write poems! although, this confused me, i didnt know wht was meant to be happening. but it was written well
___________________
Four towers, three friends, one destiny
The Quest for Flight
Thank-you so much, Jared!
That is exactly what I'll do for the 'green trees white snow red blood' line! It totally fits.
Anyways, thanks for the critique! I really need to comment on something of yours.
Cheers,
Camille
Hey! I agree with Azila, 100%. I really like the effect you are going with here. I can totally see it in my mind. so, I think that this should read:
This will give the reader the inference that there is lightning, which you are going for. Or, if you want it to be a little more clearer, make it read:
But then again, it's up to you.
As the many others said, this is very confuzzling, and I think that it's awesome. It gives us the sense of mystery and vagueness that you were hoping for. So kudos for that!
Your grammar was pretty good, and the line that I pointed out up there *points up* is the only thing that you need to change.
Well done, Ayra. You are indeed a talented writer! Keep writing!
BBB
Azila: Thanks for the tips! I did write this just...randomly, because I was struggling with writer's block and felt that I should write SOMETHING or I would go insane. :} I'll probably use some of the metaphors/similes in other pieces.
~Volant~: Thanks for the encouragement! =]
oooh, I really really like! This is good, mate!
Yes, I liked it. Great imagery, and it's sort of something that you have to read again. Something about life being odd, death being painful, and the beyond death worse. It's interesting. I enjoyed this very much!
Thanks everyone!
Maybe I should get this moved to Other Fiction, though, because its flash fiction. But I am considering incorporating this into a large story...if that is the case, then I'll develop my characters more and all that. :}
Actually, I might add a teensy bit of characterization into this! 'Twill be fun. I'll see what I can do.
Any ways, thanks for the advice! The edit will be up shortly!
- Camille
Hey Ayra,
This was really good, don't get me wrong, but like the other people who reviewed this, I'm a bit confused. I think I get it, but most people wouldn't really understand the meaning of this. I love your beginning, I think it's gorgeous. But the rest kind of lost me. This would be great if you incorperated this into some kind of story.
Right now, there aren't any characters that I care for, there isn't really a clear plot that I could see, and it just seems like a random kind of thing.
I know you said that you were trying to be vague, but, you should explain a leeetle bit more. People like me don't like to be left hanging!
Otherwise, it's a good start and it got me thinking.
Nariel
Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended
Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended
Thanks for the review! =)
Its supposed to be vague, though. But I might explain a tiny bit....
Im not one of those people who go around editing for people. and i sometimes piss people off because i am so candid about what i think, no offense. okay overall imagery is good, but could be improved by explaining what is going on. Are they climbing a cliff on a shore? who is we? a bit of conclusion there about what is going on.
Mmm... I'm not sure what to say. I guess it's good--no, probably great--for what it is, but what it is just... isn't my cup of tea. Did that make any sense?
I think (as, apparently, does The Morrow) that you could use to define the message more. I mean, it seemed like more of an exercise for description than a work of art. But don't take that too harshly! 
I'll clarify: I understand that your goal was to write something that is vague (possibly meaningful) and beautifully written. Well, it is all those things (except, perhaps, the second... but that might just be me) and you did them well. I'm just not sure I liked what you were going for.
But that's me, not you.
I think what's wrong with this sentence is that there isn't punctuation. Maybe put in commas? Dashes? Something.
Also, you should fix the format...
Overall: if that's what you were going for, good job! But it's not my favorite of what you've written.
Hope my ramble helps a tad...
~Azila~
Ok, I edited this a little.
I've fixed the tense issues, but I've decided to keep the 'green trees white snow red blood!' line the way it is because it reflects the 'lightning strike of colour'. Vous savvy?
Cheers,
Camille
Thanks!
Wow, my little 'ole piece is getting tons of review today!
And oh yeah...I probably should change it to 'lie'. Lol.
There is some very interesting imagery here. I'd like it to have less vagueness, even though it is supposed to be like this.
I think if you use more interesting adjectives, that like of "Green Trees White Snow Red Blood!" will be better. Or perhaps expand that line into one for each picture?
Also, last sentance I believe should be 'lie', not 'life'? I think everyone else has covered most everything.
Thanks!
The piece is meant to be vague, but I'll definitely fix the tenses. *smacks head* How could I have made so many stupid mistakes?
I will remove the exclamation point, but I want to keep the line. But do you think it would be better if I used more interesting adjectives to describe the tress, the snow and the blood? Hhmmm....
Anyways, thanks for the crit! Now *evil laughter* I will go review something of yours!
I enjoyed the imagery, and there were a few sentences that resonated well:
The surreal, reminiscent mood were effectively conveyed.I too am somewhat confused as to the meaning of this piece...though that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not there or not apparent to a keener eye, but double-check to make sure that it is indeed conveyed, and that a reader who has only the words of the piece can glint it from them.
I'm also confused by the visual structure of the piece. You may want to double-space between paragraphs for clarity, or indent the start of new ones, because I find it difficult to see where one ends and another begins. Also consider why you make new paragraphs where you do. Perhaps you can make the entire piece a single paragraph.
While this juxtaposition of adjectives is creative, the exclamation point kills the line. This entire line could probably be deleted--the adjectives are weak and it interrupts the flow, and it doesn't seem to have a function other than to startle the reader.
Though perhaps intentional, it is confusing, in any piece of writing, to shift your tense sporadically like you do here. I suggest keeping the imperfect tense (when you use "would" as "used to"--anybody correct me if I'm wrong), past tense ("he walked"), or present tense ("he walks").
The following excerpts see the tense changing to present:
Thanks canis!
I am going to revise this...*shifty eyes* but not right now 'cuz I'm sneaking on the computer...I'm still grounded. >.<
Hmm, I am kind of mystified by this... What is supposed to be happening? I can see some very refreshing descriptions coming through, but it needs more clarity.... The other thing was that there are lots and lost of tense issues... You need to decide whether its in past or present tense, and then edit it.
PM me if you decide to revise this, because i think it looks very interesting.
Good luck!