Published November 10, 2007
The air was brisk and refreshing; the cold, clean but smoky perfume of a Winter midnight. The trees swayed gently with the frosty breeze and the moon shed a crystaline glow from it's lofty perch in the rose-coloured twilight.
I stood alone, a still figure amid the sea of short, well-trodden grass. And although the stars were lost in the faded, wispy clouds, every detail of the park was clear and bright, edged in silver.
I inhaled deeply, relishing the intense cold as it filled my lungs and throat. My hair floated on the wind, whipping around my face, as I walked under the cover of the trees. In the shadows, I felt safe. The darkling shade swallowed me whole and steeped me in the deep mystery of the night; I felt alive like never before. Never had the grass felt so soft beneath my bare, frozen feet, never the moon so bright, cradled between the barren branches of a tree.
I felt the urge to run, and, with a last look at the darkness behind me, I sprinted across the field as if on winged feet. The sky deepened on one side to a purply-grey; the somber velvet that hid the stars in it's murky depths.
Too soon, the white boards of the hockey rink appeared before me. I slowed to a stop, a smile spreading across my face. It was so good to be alive.
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140,909 Literary Works • 673,726 Reviews
Canis, I see what you mean about the purpleness. Bleck. I need to change that 'lest it will plague me forever.
Nice, but I agree about making it longer. Also, is it Midnight or Twilight? I see how its possible for it to be both, but it still was confusing when I read it. I think a little revision would be nice. I also, to tell you the truth, found this to be a bit purpley. (purple prose)
Try using a little less of the dramatic descriptions, and a little more of the subtler type.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks everyone!
Once I do my mini math exams (a series of tests) I will be adding to the following pieces:
-City of Ashes (I'm making a part 2, because I think I might have dreamed more)
-My attempt at poetry
-Wolf Heart- read me
-And this one too!
Thanks again!
Great imagery. I like it.
The imagery is great. Sorry it's been awhile since I've been critiquing, but I'm back now. I think we can all agree that the length is a little too short. Your use of description, though, magnifies that. It'd still be short, but becuase you have written this so beautifully, it only makes it seem shorter. I understand that sometimes, it is what it is; there is no more. Seems to me that what this is. So, with all of that said, it was great, just short.
Thanks for the critiques!
I might make it a little longer by writing what else I did when I was out, so I'll PM you when I add that^^
P.s.- The picture is cool, eh? Kind of freakish, but I love it anyways! xD
DesperateRomantic is right. This is a little short. But what I read was very good. The descriptions were great. I don't have anything else to say because it's so short. PM when you post more please.
PS: The picture owns! Love it.
FlyingDream
This is really short! Make it longer and pm me. I'll then give you an indepth review.
That's what I am here for
I guess...
Thanks
Yeah you're right; I used 'slow' and 'slowed' alot. I'll just go fix that...
Nice. It reminds me of some of the nights at your house
I love the night.
I have one tip
[b]You said:[/i]
I slowed to a stop, a slow smile spreading across my face. It was so good to be alive.
Its good but you said slow a little to much.
And I think you should describe the hockey rink a little better!
Other than that it was nice. I like how you used another way of writing instead of using she he etc. all the time you said I more. And that is fun. It puts you in the characters shoes.
Good work. Its not your absolute best but I like it
~ Gwen