Honeydrops Ahoy!
The sky above is blue,
A deep-sea blue,
The bluest blue
That had ever been blue.
The clouds are white,
But not only just white,
They’re fluffy and white;
Pure, soft and very white.
These fluffy, white clouds
Are sun-kissed clouds,
Honey-tinted little clouds
Which sail the horizon;
These honey-tinted clouds,
Are weighed down by icy tears
Droplets and droplets of them
Which gather in the horizon.
The sun shines bright,
Oh, beautiful, golden daylight!
It heats the icy droplets up
And turns them into air;
Up into the chilly wind,
Up and away with the chilly wind,
Up above, where the honey clouds live,
To gather in the cloud-filled horizon.
The sky above turns dark,
A scary, midnight dark,
The most ominous dark
That had ever become so dark.
The clouds become gray,
A fish-belly gray,
The most sickening sort of gray;
A lonely, tear-jerking gray.
But darling, never frown,
Keep the smiles upon you!
For the sun, it still shines bright -
Oh, beautiful, golden daylight!
It brightens each drop of rain,
That monotonous staccato of rain;
And thus, a beautiful, golden rain,
Engulfs the honey-filled horizon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The poem was Okay, but I have to agree with the other comments. The poem needs to be a bit more imaginative. The readers need to want to read the poem instead of tear it apart. So just try a little harder, because you do have talent. Your just a little ruff around the edges.You are rather good at describing what everything looks like.You paint a pretty clear picture.
What is the purpose of this poem?
Almost everything, save the one glaring exception ('honey-tinted clouds') is the perfect cliche. It slides off my tongue, absolutely tasteless, adds nothing to the image and provides me with no emotion or thought.
The sky is deep blue like the sea. Ho hum. Heard that too many times.
The clouds are white and fluffy. And so? I'd say to save that one for the kindergarteners.
Okay...so you make a half-hearted attempt to spruce up the clouds a bit - they're honey-tinted. Oh, fantastic. Isn't there something else you might like to tell us? In what way are they like that? Why? What character does it add to the narrator, what exactly is the STORY behind this, save a straight description that doesn't serve to enlighten me in the slightest? (Note that you did put it in the 'narrative poetry' section after all - I really don't see the story).
I read on. The sun is pretty, there's icy droplets in the air, the wind is cold, the sky is dark, the clouds are grey and.....wait for it.......they're a fish-belly grey! Finally, another interesting description! And then we dive into some more cliche descriptions, with a brief repeat of 'honey,' which doesn't really stand out that much on the fourth time, but instead makes it seem like you really weren't sure which other adjective to put in there.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with providing us with a description of the sky. As long as you do it DIFFERENTLY to how we've always seen it done before, it will be enchanting. And I'll admit, had this poem revolved around the 'taste' of sky (in relation to the honey idea, alongside the fish-belly image), it might have had a lot more impact. Plus, I don't really see any solid narrator here, and nor is there any change, any progression, much of a story. It's a sunny day, that gets dark.
I'd suggest doing a rewrite. A big rewrite. With something beautiful and new and exciting. Because you're certainly capable of it - it just needs to be focussed on a bit more.
ok so I would also give you a 6 out of ten
Hope i helped
A. S.
Hi!
Sorry that this is going to be a short review, but there was only one minor thing that irked me. Okay, so I'm not sure what to think about this! You've got a lot repetition going on throughout the stanzas, and even if it is intentional, it doesn't really work for you. If you want stanzas to relate to each other in what you're describing (for instance, take dark) there are a handful of synonyms you can use for dark!
Thesaurus.com would be a really good resource. Not only does it give you synonyms, but it also gives you antonyms and definitions! Check it out; that way you'll find ways to tell us the same thing without the reader getting bored.
Otherwise I rather liked this poem. I'll give it a 6 out of 10.
PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo