“Nathan you better pick up this time,” I hissed under My breath. It was October first. Nathan was supposed to meet me thirty minutes ago, in the alley way. I had called him so many times he would have, even if irritated, called me back. Had he stood me up? But this was Nathan. My best friend. He had hid every details as to why he wanted to meet. Saying I would think he was insane. The moment I saw him I would happily partake in driving a stake through his heart.
“Your call has been forwarded to an automatic-” I hung up on the robotic voice stating the obvious. I balled my fists. I sent a text simply stating ‘pick up your phone. Now!’
No response. I scrolled through my contacts looking for my last resort. Stacy. Nathan’s sister. They would rather kill each other than admit they cared about the other. Stacy at one point, locked him out of the house after he ate the last breadstick, in the middle of January. With Nathan caring about me, Stacy hated me.
I sighed and called her.
“What do you want?” She snapped.
“Do you happen to know where Nathan is?” I asked.
“Why would I know? I don’t care what he does with you, and your little freak squad," Stacy retorted.
“Well he was supposed to meet me, 30 minutes ago!”
“Huh, well if you must know he left the house over an hour ago. Seemed paranoid. Granted, that's normal for a social inept idiotic-”
“Thanks Stacy!” I cut her off, hanging up the phone.
An hour. It takes barely fifteen minutes to get here. Did I have the wrong alley? No, I’m sure of it. Did something happen to him?
From just outside of the alley I heard sirens. I whipped around police cars followed by an ambulance. As they whisked down the road I had a sinking feeling that something had happened to Nathan that he was who they were trying to reach. The cars ,obviously being faster than me, reached their destination a solid couple of minutes before.
Caution tape was up. A police officer was talking to a man with a thick beard. I approached the tape scared, waiting to find the inevitable. Maybe it was just a random person. Or a stolen car. Or-
Any last minute hope had disappeared, as I looked down at a body. Nathan’s body.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Ghosted - Chapter 2 - FuneralPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello there my name is Stickles of the ST Brand Story/Book/Poem Review company or better unknown as STBPR. Today I am here to review Willowbranchs your story titled Ghosted.
To start lets discuss your writing technique. Very spaced out, but used in a good way, this could be a burden though if used to much in future chapters so watch yourself.
Next we need to review the story as a whole. Hope, gone but in a instant, it really pushes the idea of death and how fast it could be. However I would've added some after text instead of ending it on such a dark note.
Almost done cause next we have to look into the dreadfully boring grammar and spelling (not that I know how to spel). Short sentences. very common btw but remember, periods are more used for a reader to pause than to end a point, use combining words.
Finally I wanna talk from the heart and tell you what I as a reader think is great and what needs to be worked on. This final part is more my opinion than actually anything so dont worry your pretty smart head. It seems that this story is good for a shorter story rather than a novel, this is cause there's many novels with this type of story, so make sure yours stands out, i believe in you
Your final score is /20
Writing 3/5
Story 3/5
Spell/Grammer 3/5
Personal 4/5
Grand total 13/20
Oh and a great bonus with being Reviewed by STBPR you get a audio book of your story free. It will be posted on (08/06/2024) via this link located here.
https://youtu.be/_DA9pYw3NQE
Have fun writing. -Stickles
Hey, it's Serrrurie! I've seen this for a little while but never got around to it. Let's dive in:
The Good Stuff
- That twist was super unexpected! I think that was really well done.
-Stacey has a really strong personality, which always enhances the plot, and it enhances her speech.
-Up until I read another review, I didn't realize what the title meant. I think it's a great opportunity for some foreshadowing, however
Room For Improvement
- There are a few typos I'd like to help you correct:
'hopes' doesn't need the s. Since 'hope' is a collective noun that can mean multiple things, so the 's' isn't needed to multiply it in this context. The comma also isn't needed. If we're looking at 'FANBOYS' (a list of different conjunctions), we would use these for conjunctions: 'For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so'. Conjunctions don't apply with things like descriptions (i.e. saying something like 'warm, cozy blanket') or two independent statements that work better as a single sentence. But, since you're using 'as' as the word in the conjunction, a comma isn't needed. This covers multiple typos in your chapter, so I won't list any more of those.
-
I think you mean 'granted', not 'grant it'. I would also suggest putting commas between 'social', 'inept', and 'idiotic' (as you use commas in a list as well).
- This story had a lot of suspense and I'm curious to see where it goes. I hope my review helped you.
Keep writing!
Serrurie
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mutated S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Opal was supposed to meet up with her best friend, Nathan, in an alley thirty minutes ago, but Nathan didn’t show up. She calls Stacy and asks her where Nathan is, to which Stacy said that he left over an hour ago. Then, Opal makes a horrifying discovery…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that the comma could be moved closer to the word “cars”, but those are just my thoughts.
Chocolate Bar - I like how the title “Ghosted”, is a reference to how Opal thought that she was being ghosted by Nathan and the fact that Nathan may now be a ghost himself. I also like that it’s October first because, well….Halloween. ^v^ It seems like there’s going to be a lot of mischief and mayhem to come!
Closing Graham Cracker - With Nathan gone, there’s something uncanny running about in Opal’s town. She might have to stick around Stacy, a girl who despises her. Will they be able to get through what has befallen their town or will they crumble to the ground, just as Nathan did?
I wish you a fabulous day/night!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is quite the first chapter you've got right here. I think it does a great job getting us invested really building up a powerful hook right away with this very mysterious passing.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well this is quite the terrifying point to start on. Although also relatable at the same time. That moment when a best friend isn't picking up and you're getting so worried for them that you're just trying to mask it with anger. Of course it could be actual anger too. Either way, lovely place to start here.
Well looks like a typical case of sibling rivalry there only this one is really extending right into the entire friend group, which isn't unheard. Definitely shows you how desperate our protagonist here is getting when it comes to resorting to calling her.
Well that's definitely troubling news. I love how the sister is being very much rude to everyone and her brother but does provide that information showing just a touch of care. And of course it all comes together with that realization to show that something has to have gone very wrong here.
Well that was about what I expected given the heavy hints that something was wrong and of course the fact that that chapter title there isn't exactly being subtle. Lovely place to end there, pays off all the tension built up earlier but in a way that only makes everything that much more mysterious.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've done a great job building this up here, really bringing in quite an interesting mystery. The building of the tension throughout was also very well done. Looking forward to seeing how part two plays out.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate