Ghosted - Chapter 2 - Funeral

by Willowbranch

Published July 15, 2024

E - Everyone

In Ghosted

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It was a week after finding his body. Lifeless. Unblinking. Terrifying. But this was unlike a normal death. He was ran straight through. With no blood, just a hole in his chest. The cops couldn’t even figure it out, or even the circumstances. At first they believed it to be a suicide. Then the single most unbelievable story I had ever heard. He was walking to meet me while buttering toast, had a heart attack, then fell on his knife.

You would have to be the single most idiotic human being in the universe to believe that story. The cops, news outlets, and his family happened to be those people. So here I was brushing my blond hair with faded out red dye, awaiting the funeral of my best friend.

The red tips fit. I had blood on my hands if i just didn’t meet him or something, none of this would have happened. I stood up and stared at myself in the mirror. I had eyebags about as deep as the Mariana trench, despite my efforts to hide it with make up. I fiddled with the collar of the dress my mom gave me.

Funerals were never my thing. I had been to several and all of them felt fake. All the “Sorrys" and “They’re in a better place now”. Only made my blood boil thinking of how you could just erase someone's memory like that.

But here I was. Sitting through a priest's lecture tuning it out. A few speeches went by. Eventually Stacy walked up to the podium. She sniffed and whipped her eye with a handkerchief

“My brother;” she paused, “was just so, so, so kind. And he was never mean or, He was my best friend. We would never fight. I loved him so much and-” She broke, slamming her fist on the table screamed, “and I curse him for ever trying to butter his toast, why why!”

She was balling for a second then collected herself and breathed. She looked perfectly poised and happy as if nothing was wrong, “That is all.”

As she strutted down to her front row seat, I was made grimly aware that it was my turn at giving a speech. I walked towards the podium lightly clutching a few note cards. I stood a whole crowd of people's eyes staring at me.

“I-Uh, I,” I breathed, I was in panic. I had no idea what to say. The speech I had prepared made no sense, and was sure to have a slew of grammatical errors. “Nathan was”

I gasped, staring at the body, my brain flashing between it peacefully in the coffin and the jumbled, scared mess from a week ago. I could feel my face getting hot. My heart, beating in my throat.

I panicked. I ran. I felt the warm tears streaming down my face as I solved into the bathroom. I switched on the cold water in the sink and submerged my face. As I came up for air I breathed in deep. I opened my eyes staring directly into the mirror.

That's when I saw it. A boy. He had shaggy brown hair that was in need of a haircut. He wore a short sleeve flannel over an off white turtleneck. He had a pair of plane jeans and black converse. He almost looked like a normal guy aside from the gaping hole in his torso. He looked like Nathan. Specifically him the night he died.

I screamed, shoving myself against the sink. Hoping whatever sick prank this was would go away.

“Why are you doing this?” I inquired.

“Why are you screaming?” He snapped back.

“Why are you dressed like Nathan!” I retorted.

“I am Nathan,” The boy stated.

I giggled, then changed my tone to be harsh knitting my eyebrows, “What kind of sicko pretends to be someone at his own funeral. Did Stacy put you up to this or something!”

“No Opal it’s really me, and I just woke up like this and-” He was cut off by a knock at the door.

“Opal, we got kind of worried about you,” A tall girl with tanned skin stepped through the door. She had long curly black hair with light brown eyes lined with thick eyeliner. She wore a long black dress reminiscent of something Morticia Addams would wear. She had a resting face that looked like she would fight you if she had the chance, exemplified by lips lined in black lipstick with an eternal pout. To most she would be intimidating, even scary. To me she was Penelope Vishna.

“I thought maybe you could use a check in,” she paused making direct eye contact with me, “It’s not like you to run away.”

“Well you would be wrong about that. But-uh, do you see this!” I gestured heavily at sicko fake Nathan. Him waving awkwardly at Penelope.

“Yep,” She said simply. I smiled, relieved, as she began walking towards me. She grabbed my face and wiped something from under my eye, “Your mascara's running. I wasn’t going to say anything before but,” she shrugged, “You know.”

Penelope backed away, as I stood there my mouth gaping. How did she not see him? And what in the world did that make sicko fake Nathan? She stood there staring with her same going-to-fight-someone face. Which could mean anything from her.

“Aye- uhm, thanks.” I said, my brain still racing about what this meant.

“You’re welcome,” her lips curled into a smile, “Just come back when you're ready. Cool!” She gave two thumbs up as she made her way out the door.

“What was that?” I demanded, my body shaking.

“I don’t know. But whatever that is has been happening this whole week with everyone but you.” He said. I started to believe this really was Nathan.

“So you’re Nathan?” I queried.

“Yep.” He stated.

“So who killed you? Because that dumb toast story is not going to cut it.” I retorted.

“I don’t really know.”

“How do you not know?”

“Well I went to bed on September twenty third and woke up on October first like this.”

“Oh great, so no leads. No knowledge from the dead guy. No confirmation your real. And no reason to believe I'm not insane.”

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
gruzinkerbell
Review
gruzinkerbell wrote a review Review · Jul 16, 2024

Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:


The Good Stuff
- There are a lot of strong emotions packed into this chapter which you wrote beautifully. There's a great transition from a dull sadness to anger mixed with shock, and the fact that you kept a tone of humor throughout with the toast stabbing is just amazing.
-We get to see more of everyone's personalities and a new character.
- The Ghost pun in the title is working great!

Room For Improvement
-The characters' speech in your writing sounds nice and really organic, but you often end their sentences with incorrect punctuation.

“What kind of sicko pretends to be someone at his own funeral. Did Stacy put you up to this or something!”


I've noticed a couple of times that whenever Opal is stressed and asking a question you simply end her speech with an exclamation point. Whenever this happens, makes to end it with a '!?' instead.

“Aye- uhm, thanks.” I said,


I've also noticed that sometimes when you end speech with a 's/he said' transition, you still end the sentence with a period. You would actually end this with a comma since it's not an abrupt end to the sentence (because you used a transition).

“Nathan was”


I've also noticed that a few times when a character abruptly stops talking or is cut off you forget to end with a dash. Just make sure to have one.


You would have to be the single most idiotic human being in the universe to believe that story.


Since this is a first-person story, you wouldn't use the word 'you' unless someone is talking (or they're thinking and we read their thoughts)

Overall Opinion
- Overall this is a really great second edition to this story! I will definitely be coming back for the following chapters. This had great shock factor, a lot of different emotions, and I thought it was really great!

Keep writing!

Serrurie

:elephant:

creeperfeverdreams wrote a review Review · Jul 16, 2024

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?


Top Graham Cracker - Nathan is found dead, but there isn’t even any blood. Just a hole in his chest. And even then, the cops come up with a laughable explanation for his death: He was buttering toast while walking and the knife went straight through his chest. It was something else that killed him…but what?

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you meant to write “makeup” at one part, but that’s just one little thing.

Chocolate Bar - I like how even Opal questions whether Nathan is really there. It shows that she’s not quite believing in her own sanity and that she very well might need a push in the right, ghostly direction. I also like the description of Penelope, she seems like she’d be a good friend!

Closing Graham Cracker - Nathan may be dead, but he sure isn’t gone. That toast thing definitely isn’t true, so then what is? What had killed him? I have a feeling that whatever did is a malevolent force…or maybe not. I’ll have to see.

I wish you a fabulous day/night!

User avatar
Stickles
Review
Stickles wrote a review Review · Jul 16, 2024

Hello there my name is Stickles of the ST Brand Story/Book/Poem Review company or better unknown as STBPR. Today i am here to review Willowbranchs your story titled Ghosted.

To start lets discuss your writing technique. The double spaces gives the readers times to read there next linjes which for people like me who give the characters voices works fantastically. However i would suggest using the double spaces to your advantage, with it being common use maybe even have certain places not double spaced to create a suspense factor with technique rather than words or atmosphere. All in all however i rather liked it but watch out for using to many spaces and use combining words like "and" to let readers not continuously need to pause. But for a novel it should be fine.

Next we need to review the story as a whole. I understand that this is a chapter by chapter basis so i cannot review the story as a whole but what i got from ch1 and 2 if you make this a full novel i would love to read it in its entirety. The characters are given such a non empathetic look on death even as much as to lie and use it for news coverage than actually mourn and weep giving a good perspective for what the irl news does anyways.

Almost done cause next we have to look into the dreadfully boring grammar and spelling (not that I know how to spel). All in all looked fine. Just like i said before watch out for close sentences and use more combining words like and to combine two sentences because periods are used to pause the reader or even end a point but overdoing it makes it feel like your in a go kart race where some teenager working the kart machine keeps hitting the yellow light to answer there phone.

Finally I wanna talk from the heart and tell you what I as a reader think is great and what needs to be worked on. This final part is more my opinion than actually anything so dont worry your pretty smart head. This is the beginning to a fantastic novel, What i would suggest is continue on with your chapters and techniques in a similar style but always remember you can and will improve. Not that the story is bland by any means it just means that you should look on what you can improve personally so you dont beat yourself up later for doing something that you cant change after the fact. (Ive done this many of times with Seethrough being the best example)

Your final score is /20
Writing 3/5
Story N/5
Spell/Grammer 4/5
Personal 5/5
Grand total 12/20
"N= Null in void because the story isnt complete"



Have fun writing. -Stickles

User avatar
Secretwriter16 Comment
Secretwriter16 commented Comment · Jul 15, 2024

I really like the story. It is interesting. I love the suspense. Keep it up

User avatar
Secretwriter16 Comment
Secretwriter16 commented Comment · Jul 15, 2024

I really like the story. It is interesting. Keep it up. Thanks for sharing



Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia