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Escape

by Willow


Yes, it is him, the man with the silver eyes. He’s tall and imposing, intimidating in the least. His shaggy mane of hair was a sickening brown. He inspired fear to the most people, yet the thing that fears me most though, is the long sword that gleams in the firelight. The one that impaled Michael.

I should have been the one to get speared. Everything was my fault. Because of me, my whole family was in mortal peril. I had already lost a friend so close it felt like my heart had stopped beating along with him. Now along with all my convictions, I have guilt tearing at me from the inside. The man keeps my family away from me. In a room that is so small, you can not sit down. It was all because of my greed.

The man has thus far kept me alive, why I don’t know.

“So much fear, these last few days,” the man said, his voice rasping at my bones. “I can smell it, but not from you. I’ve killed your love, and will surely kill your family, and yet you do not fear me?”

“Hate overrules fear,” I spat at him. It was true. I felt no fear, only hate and pain. My wrists were worn through where the chains cut them. My arms were aching with effort.

“You hurting pretty one?” he said. No compassion, just amusement. He fingered my black ponytail. I kicked him away with as much strength as I could muster.

“You always were stubborn,” he said turning away.

I looked around the red cave again. Torches spat light, casting shadows deeper than the pool on the right. It’s the pool he threw Michael into after he’d killed him.

There was no escape. Two guards in ebony cloaks stood in front of the only exit. They had dressed me in an ivory colored tunic before they strung me up. It was all part of his sick game.

“Since you were little, your will was out of control,” he said. I didn’t know what he was talking about. How could he know what I was like when I was little?

“You never did what you were told, always running off to your little friends,” he went on.

I was still looking for a way to escape; any opening, any rift.

He walked to one of the guards and pulled out a dagger, and threw it straight at me. I ducked my head just in time.

“Ah, there it is,” he said. “The deepest fear, fear for one’s life.”

“The only reason I want to live is to make sure you don’t lay a finger on my family!” I yelled at him.

“Oh, don’t worry. I won’t lay a finger on them. No, that sort of thing is beneath me. I’ll let my guards take care of them,” he rasped.

At this my anger increased to a level that made me feel as though I could rip the chains right out of the wall.

“Why are you doing this?” I screamed. I couldn’t get my voice to a normal volume, neither did I want to.

“Because you were supposed to be mine!” he yelled back, making the cave tremble.

The guards jumped forward, as though to protect him.

“Leave me, it’s nothing,” he told them.

The guards left the room.

“What do you mean; I was supposed to be yours?” I asked.

He looked at me puzzled, and then he looked amused again.

“Your parents didn’t tell you?” he asked with a bitter smile. “Trying to protect you were they?”

“What are you talking about?” I asked again.

“Your father owed me his life, but the sniveling coward drew back at the last moment. He promised me his first daughter instead,” he rasped.

“My father isn’t a coward,” I said, every word filling me with hate.

“He is. When the time came to hand you over, he made another bargain. All his wealth and possessions. It was a fair bit, but it wasn’t enough. So I bided my time, until you came to me, and to my amusement, you are just as power hungry as I was,” he went on. “So I set up a plan, one to lure you into my midst. I knew your parents wouldn’t agree if you came to such a place. I just didn’t count on your little boyfriend.”

“What did you want with me then?” I asked.

“I wanted a daughter of my own!” he said. This made no sense.

“Why didn’t you just get a nice little wife and make a monster like you?” I spat.

“Because your father killed my nice little wife and turned me into the monster that I am,” he said this with a bitter smirk.

“So adopt! Just let me and my family go,” I begged.

“You’ll have to pay the price of your father’s mistake,” he whispered in a dangerous voice. By now the guards had come back. “I’m tired,” he told them, “Take care of her.” With that he left the room.

“Now, amuse me,” one of the guards said walking over and undoing my chains.

I rubbed my wrists. My arms felt numb from having them strapped up for so long.

“You try and make an escape, if you can get past me, you’re free to go,” he threw a sword at my feet. The guards were obviously looking for a little fun.

“You expect me to fight with this?” I asked, playing for time.

“It’s rather light,” he said lazily. “You should be able to pick it up, unless your parents raised you a weakling.”

I picked it up and ran at him. He struck my sword out of my hand in one blow, and punched me over my face. I fell to the floor, tasting blood in my mouth.

“Get up weakling,” he said taunting me.

I got up and aimed a punch at his stomach. I hit it, but he hardly flinched.

“It’s going to take a lot more than that to get past me missy,” he said, and aimed another blow at my face. This one threw me flat on the ground again.

I glanced around. My sword was laying a few feet away from me. I measured up the distance and decided I could almost reach it. I heard him coming nearer. I waited until the opportune moment, groped for my sword and thrust it upwards as hard as I could.

Cold metal pierced his stomach, making him fall backwards. His sword had been raised, ready to strike. Blood poured over me, staining the ivory tunic crimson. I stared at the (now dead) guard, hardly believing it.

Then I turned and ran.

I ran straight into the spear of the other guard.

“We will have our revenge,” the guard said. My blood now mingled with the guard’s. I was afraid to look down, but when I did, I was relieved, if you could call it that.

The spear had only pierced my left arm.

I was at a point where I didn’t feel pain anymore. I forgot about my wrists, my mouth and my arms. I was numb, numb with hate.

I pulled the spear out of my arm. The guard was taken by surprise at this, and with a sick smile on my face, I turned and thrust it straight in his heart.

He sank to the ground.

I hurried through the unending red corridors and hallways. Torchlight flickered creating eerie shadows that made me think he was right behind me.

I followed the screams toward another dungeon.

Then I saw my family; my mother and father holding my little sister in their minute cage.

I rushed to try and free them, but I guard came out of no where and put a spear on my shoulder.

“Freeze,” he said dangerously.

“Or what?” I spat. What did I have to lose? I didn’t feel any pain anymore.

“Or your parents and dear little sister will never see your pretty little face again.

“See, that’s just the thing,” I said taking the spear’s point in my hand, and clutched it so hard my hand began bleeding. I heard my mom give a sob. “I don’t care if anyone ever sees my face again.”

With this I took the spear and slashed the guard over his neck. He fell to the ground, clutching his death wound.

I searched his robe for the keys, and found them.

“These guards sure are full of themselves, aren’t they?” I told my family.

My mother cried freely now. She hugged me and then my father did the same. Then we heard an angry yell, one so loud the rocks crumbled.

“I want her found! No excuses this time, she a girl for God’s sake!” the man shouted. He was just outside the dungeons.

“Through here,” my father whispered pointing to an almost hidden door. “I saw one of the servants use this door.”

We followed him out into yet another passage. My father was carrying my little sister.

Moments after we’d left the dungeon, we heard yet another scream of rage. This one was loud enough to make the whole cave crumble.

And sure enough, a few light rocks started to fall at first. Later accompanied by heavy ones.

We ran through the passages, searching for light. Finally we came out onto an open stretch. I saw the bridge the guards had hauled us over when they brought us to this hell hole.

I looked back and saw him leading his guards through the dark tunnel. My family hurried over the bridge to safety.

There was a load crack, and a rock suspended over the bridge broke off, crushing my only escape.

I looked back once more, just in time to see the entrance to the tunnel give way, killing about three guards who were trying to get out. The tunnel was completely ruined.

He was the only one who’d managed to get out in time.

“So you escaped?” he asked, rage drenched every syllable. “Your father raised you better than I thought.”

“He was the best father I could hope for,” I spat at him.

“We’ll see about that,” he said a smile twisting his lips. “Your father didn’t by any chance teach you how to fight?”

“I don’t need to be taught,” I said.

He swung at me. I ducked, suddenly knowing what to do. He took another swing, but missed.

I was a lot smaller than he was. He was fat and heavy. He tired pretty quickly.

He took swing after swing, and I ducked most of them. I aimed a few kicks at his face, but only connected once.

I tried to punch him, but he sidestepped it and grabbed me from behind.

He was fumbling in his pocket for something with his loose hand. The other one was around my throat. I looked down to notice that we were only a few feet away from the edge of the cliff on which the cave mouthed out. If I could only get him off the cliff, there’s no way he’ll survive that, even though his fat provided lots of padding.

“How does it feel to know you’re about to die?” he whispered in my ear. He was holding something in his hand. I couldn’t see what it was, but found out soon enough as something tore into my stomach, rupturing my organs.

“I don’t feel anything,” I whispered back.

I drew my remaining strength and flung him over my shoulder. I rolled from the effort, but ended just before the cliff did.

I looked down the cliff.

He was hurtling toward the ground, sounding one last furious scream, before landing in a jagged rock.

I winced.

I glanced down at my ruptured stomach. A silver dagger stuck in my flesh. Fool, I thought, silver only strengthens me. With that I let go.

Feeling seeped into me again like paint on cloth. I felt the searing pain in my stomach, I felt the hate towards him coursing through my veins. But most of all I felt the immense relief, in knowing my family was safe at last.


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Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:37 pm
Willow says...



I cringe. So much.

I wrote this when I was 12 and posted it when I was 14. It was the first piece of writing I ever attempted (they weren't big on creative writing in my school).

Again, I cringe.




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Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:41 pm
Horrorwriter says...



Cooll! very good.




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Mon May 23, 2005 11:53 am
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nickelpickle says...



Okay, I think Griffinkeeper got all the grammar. You wrote this very, very well but it felt like a piece of flash fiction to me. Write a prologue to it and then another cahpter or two after it and you will have an awesome story.




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Fri Apr 22, 2005 7:42 am
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Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Yes, it is him, the man with the silver eyes.


A few sentence later:

His shaggy mane of hair was a sickening brown.


We have a tense problem here. Decide whether or not it is in the present tense or the past tense.

I should have been the one to get speared. Everything was my fault.


Dialogue like this should be hacked to death and buried. I can imagine C-3PO saying this, which is a bad sign.

Because of me, my whole family was in mortal peril. I had already lost a friend so close it felt like my heart had stopped beating along with him. Now along with all my convictions, I have guilt tearing at me from the inside. The man keeps my family away from me. In a room that is so small, you can not sit down. It was all because of my greed.


This entire paragraph sounds forced, like you are trying to catch the reader up from an unseen part of the story. You need to go back and start at the beginning when this entire conflict begins or some period which would allow us a better understanding of who the character is. Speaking of which:

Yes, it is him, the man with the silver eyes. He’s tall and imposing, intimidating in the least. His shaggy mane of hair was a sickening brown. He inspired fear to the most people, yet the thing that fears me most though, is the long sword that gleams in the firelight. The one that impaled Michael.
I should have been the one to get speared. Everything was my fault. Because of me, my whole family was in mortal peril. I had already lost a friend so close it felt like my heart had stopped beating along with him. Now along with all my convictions, I have guilt tearing at me from the inside. The man keeps my family away from me. In a room that is so small, you can not sit down. It was all because of my greed.
The man has thus far kept me alive, why I don’t know.


In the entire exchange, you never told us anything of value about the main character. You mentioned things that happened in the past to her, but you didn't really tell us who she is. She might be a warrior or some barmaid. Not a good thing to do for the first chapter. As I said before, this looks like you need to explain the events coming to this point.

“So much fear, these last few days,” the man said, his voice rasping at my bones. “I can smell it, but not from you. I’ve killed your love, and will surely kill your family, and yet you do not fear me?”


Rasping at your bones? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Perhaps you mean "his raspy voice chilled me to the bone"? The dialogue is oozing drama from it. If this guy is ruthless, make him ruthless. Have him taunt her, not understand her.

“You hurting pretty one?” he said. No compassion, just amusement. He fingered my black ponytail. I kicked him away with as much strength as I could muster.


I don't know what this guy does (another thing you neglected mentioning) but he must be pretty stupid if he has taken a prisioner without the appropriate bindings. She is also pretty strong for being emotionally crushed.

I looked around the red cave again. Torches spat light, casting shadows deeper than the pool on the right. It’s the pool he threw Michael into after he’d killed him.


You mean we are actually in a cave? I didn't know that before. You might have mentioned this earlier, like in the first paragraph.

There was no escape. Two guards in ebony cloaks stood in front of the only exit. They had dressed me in an ivory colored tunic before they strung me up. It was all part of his sick game.


You know, black and white are perfectly acceptable colors.

“Since you were little, your will was out of control,” he said. I didn’t know what he was talking about. How could he know what I was like when I was little?
“You never did what you were told, always running off to your little friends,” he went on.
I was still looking for a way to escape; any opening, any rift.
He walked to one of the guards and pulled out a dagger, and threw it straight at me. I ducked my head just in time.
“Ah, there it is,” he said. “The deepest fear, fear for one’s life.”


No NO NOO! STOP!! We have a horrible evil overlord here. Your attempts to make him seem evil are making him look like an impulsive idiot!

“Oh, don’t worry. I won’t lay a finger on them. No, that sort of thing is beneath me. I’ll let my guards take care of them,” he rasped.
At this my anger increased to a level that made me feel as though I could rip the chains right out of the wall.
“Why are you doing this?” I screamed. I couldn’t get my voice to a normal volume, neither did I want to.
“Because you were supposed to be mine!” he yelled back, making the cave tremble.


Wait a minute: This guy went from cool and raspy to yelling? I think this is a rather abrupt change.

So I bided my time, until you came to me, and to my amusement, you are just as power hungry as I was,” he went on. “So I set up a plan, one to lure you into my midst. I knew your parents wouldn’t agree if you came to such a place. I just didn’t count on your little boyfriend.”
“What did you want with me then?” I asked.
“I wanted a daughter of my own!” he said. This made no sense.
“Why didn’t you just get a nice little wife and make a monster like you?” I spat.
“Because your father killed my nice little wife and turned me into the monster that I am,” he said this with a bitter smirk.
“So adopt! Just let me and my family go,” I begged.


Did you actually write this dialogue?

“You’ll have to pay the price of your father’s mistake,” he whispered in a dangerous voice. By now the guards had come back. “I’m tired,” he told them, “Take care of her.” With that he left the room.
“Now, amuse me,” one of the guards said walking over and undoing my chains.
I rubbed my wrists. My arms felt numb from having them strapped up for so long.
“You try and make an escape, if you can get past me, you’re free to go,” he threw a sword at my feet. The guards were obviously looking for a little fun.
“You expect me to fight with this?” I asked, playing for time.
“It’s rather light,” he said lazily. “You should be able to pick it up, unless your parents raised you a weakling.”
I picked it up and ran at him. He struck my sword out of my hand in one blow, and punched me over my face. I fell to the floor, tasting blood in my mouth.


You are writing the cliched "But before I kill you, let me give you one last chance..." idea. Kill it. If I had my evil guards "take care of her" their would be severe beatings, battery, and assault. Even Abu Grahib would look like child's play. Stupid excuse for a battle scene. If you can't think of a more original way to get her out of the prision without some daring sword play, try having a rescue attempt made for her.

I also find it entertaining how she could defeat them after being confined and treated harshly.

I rushed to try and free them, but I guard came out of no where and put a spear on my shoulder.
“Freeze,” he said dangerously.
“Or what?” I spat. What did I have to lose? I didn’t feel any pain anymore.
“Or your parents and dear little sister will never see your pretty little face again.
“See, that’s just the thing,” I said taking the spear’s point in my hand, and clutched it so hard my hand began bleeding. I heard my mom give a sob. “I don’t care if anyone ever sees my face again.”
With this I took the spear and slashed the guard over his neck. He fell to the ground, clutching his death wound.
I searched his robe for the keys, and found them.
“These guards sure are full of themselves, aren’t they?” I told my family.


First- I guard? Bad. A guard? Good. Second, what the heck was the purpose of the intermediate dialogue? Why is she wasting time with him when she could have just sliced his head off in the first place?

If you have a problem, it is this: the fighting is way too easy. Period.

You are way too easy on your character: the guards should demonstrate some intelligence, particularly by inflicting grievious torture on her, or killing her outright. None of this fancy speech stuff.

Read this page, it will tell you what not to have the guards do.

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html




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Fri Apr 22, 2005 1:32 am
Rei wrote a review...



As was already said, what is needed is more background. I didn't really get who these characters were. I mean, I got the basics, but they didn't feel real to me. All that can easily be cured by fleshing it out. Although I'm going to have to disagree with Nate and say that I didn't think the dialogue was all that good. It sounded forced. Just the typical words used in this situation without individuality. (though I am very picky about that, so don't take what I say about dialogue too seriously) Your narrative details are pretty good. There was a nice pace. All it really needs it expanding.




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Thu Apr 21, 2005 9:19 pm
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Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote a review...



this is great; but it could be longer. It would be evne better if you wrote about why her father killed the mans wife, and why her father adn the man struck the deal for her. there are things you can do better, but overall thisis really good! :o




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Sun Jan 02, 2005 6:31 pm
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Meshugenah says...



i followed it just fine. I do agree that your grammar is good, and backround information would be nice. i thought i saw a typo somewhere, and I instead of a, i believe, but i can't find it now... good job.




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Sat Jan 01, 2005 1:32 pm
Willow says...



Okay, thanks




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Sun Dec 19, 2004 1:35 am
Nate wrote a review...



Your grammar, I thought, is flawless and you definitely have a way of keeping the reader reading.

I feel, though, the your story needs more fleshing out. The beginning is good, but then I got to the middle and it just started making no sense. You need background information here; maybe a prologue to set everything up. For instance who is her father? Was he a spy or something? What time period is this taking place? At first I thought it was the 1500's or something, but then it sounded like the present. Who is the man who has her chained up? I really had no idea what was going on, and that frustrated me. The action, descriptions, and dialogue are all good, but you need background information. Don't just dump the reader into the middle of a situation.





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec