Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
it'd be cool to chemically castrate time.
if it were to no longer produce
moments that are only milliseconds
in comparative time,
i could turn every frown i see
into crap-eating grins,
walk on water without
the fear of drowning,
and outlive all my friends.
life may be beautiful,
but if i could change
one thing about it,
it'd be the word
"temporary";
as bodies deteriorate,
but fossils don't.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
~of The girl I am attracted to likes Harry Potter and piano music therefore I also like Harry Potter and piano music~
Hey there! ＼(^。^ ) Shey here for a review!
Nice poem you have here! I really enjoyed it, and I haven't got much to say about it. That is always a good thing, because I'm a picky reviewer. The fact that you can shut me up when reviewing is pretty impressive. Good job!
I do have one suggestion. While this isn't a necessity, I would suggest adding a bit more formatting. I say this rarely because usually I see people doing too much formatting. However, for this specific poem, I think it would go a long way. Right now, this poem can be a little boring, because it's so plain. Spice it up a little, add some indentations. While you don't have to take my suggestion, I would. It can be bad to have too much formatting, since it'll focus on the format and take away from the story the poem is showing. However, I think here it will do more help than harm. You decide.
Anyhow, awesome poem! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more!
[center]-Shey
Willard, I love the title of this so much. It could be a piece of poetry by itself. It definitely made me want to read this, so it did its job. I just wonder what it's got to do with the actual poem.
The second stanza was very powerful. You bring up a good point, that fossils exist forever. Someone could exist forever, technically, if they became a fossil. The first stanza, though equally lovely if I read it separately, was a bit foggy because I was trying to relate it to the title. I think you're saying that the world could be a better place if things weren't so temporary and we valued things more, tried to make them last longer. Perhaps the title relates to wanting to make people happy (those crap-eating grins). Whatever, people can interpret poetry however they like, I suppose. Anyway, my one suggestion is to possibly relate this to the title more. Or don't. XD Happy Review Day.
Hello, Wilard. Steam1244 here to give you a review. There is nothing really that I could critique. The only thing I notice is, capitalization. Like at the beginning of the poem, it'd should be capitalized. The words at the beginning of a new stanza should be capitalized. Yes, I know, everything will not be perfect, nor it will ever be (for everyone, not just you). Sorry, for sounding really picky, I didn't mean to be. I love your poem by the way. I hope you have a nice day and thank you for your time.
Keep Writing,
Steam1244
stylisticchoice, thank you for the review!