Young Writers Society

Okay, so I know this poem has already got a ton of reviews, but I just loved it so much so I have to put in my two cents.

Kill me,
paint me,
love me,

dress me like a French girl,
or someone worth your time.

I really like this bit. Like, a lot.

realize that the midriff I saw
one carnival night
would haunt me months later

This part, although I liked it, was the only thing that felt even slightly awkward to me in the entire poem. I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned it.

The feelings you've evoked in this poem are insurmountable. There's contempt, but also nostalgia. Stuff like this is why I visit this site. (I mentioned this poem in my most recent poem, because it's so good)

-Grace

Well, this gained likes quickly--and for good reason. This is Nikayla here for a review!

The structure at the start of this poem feels a little odd to me with the first and second stanzas being separated from each other or at least the first five lines here:

Kill me,
paint me,
love me,

dress me like a French girl,
or someone worth your time.

I mean I can get why you separated them, but I don't know why you connected them because they didn't really need to be? I think the first three lines can work just as well if they have a period after each one and then have the "dress me like a French girl," line be a new line. This is something that I can see being played around with more structure wise and it doesn't matter all that much in total but it's something that I think you consider or think about when revising.

I just wanted to say that I didn't really have a problem with the actual lines and lines four and five here were actually some of my favorites from the poem and some of my favorites from you in general. I thought that it was interesting that you used "dress me" instead of "paint me" here as it adds a personal touch to the poem and differentiates itself from the original line where you seemed to pull it from, but in general, they felt really strong.

Drench the snow albedo
in pulpy red
and whisper the words
"You're so pretty"
into my ear.

I'm a bit iffy on the first two lines of this stanza and I'm a little confused as to what they meant. The only things I could really think of was a murder and it being sometime in winter where the blood is bleeding into the snow but I'm not quite sure at this point. The other thing that makes me think that is the words that are spoken. I felt a lack of commas in this stanza and I think at least one or two would help the flow out, at least from how I'm reading it which seems all at once but that gets across too quickly so I don't know if it's intended for the reader to pause after each line or not. This is probably one of my least favorite stanzas of the poem because of the lack of clarity and because I think the others are stronger.

I don't want to go back to
Sacramento, California,
and watch drunk people dance
around in baggy football jerseys
and ripped blue jeans.

I don't want to cry and throw up
in a hot tub again.

Emotionally, this is one of the places that hit hardest in the poem. It's relatable in what it's saying as I think a lot of people can get behind these types of moments and these types of nights. I think that something to be considered is to put a period after "California" in line two and then start line three with something like, "To" or "Just to" to give more of an emphasis on the first two lines, but it's really your choice with that one.

I want to frolic and make
blueberry smoothies,
realize that the midriff I saw
one carnival night
would haunt me months later

and Sacramento is more
than two hours away.

The lines aren't all that connected in this stanza though I do kind of see what you're aiming for--it doesn't quite get there. The first two lines don't really have a connection to the next five though they do sort of make me look back to the last stanza where the speaker threw up in a hot tub. I sort of realize that you're trying to make it so that the last five lines in the poem mean that the speaker wants to realize that the midriff they saw would haunt them and that Sacramento is more than two hours away.

It's something that I think I kind of got lost on because of the wording and I do suggest you reword and rework this last stanza though the last two lines really are powerful--you shouldn't have to change them I don't think, nor should you. The last thing that I wanted to touch on here is the speaker seeing them midriff and I wanted to know if this poem could also be taken as a sexual encounter with the "dress me like a French girl" lines. Not only that, but the "pulpy red" could be taken as lipstick and this ending points at the speaker saw someone's midriff or saw something they didn't want to see. Just some pondering because I'm easily lost in terms of interpretation a lot of times and I like thinking about the different ways and perspectives it can be seen from.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

<3

dress me like a French girl,
or someone worth your time.

i legit want to steal those lines and write something with them they're so good. mmmyes <3 you're such a wonderful poet. i cannot even begin to describe how much i love this.