Lol lemme tell you I've literally been working for 5 days
Dude I really dig your jams. I especially like (and I'm a total nerd for liking this) the meter of the Native American part. The stresses make a pleasing pattern. (NATive aMERican UNder afFIRmative ACtion). I wish that more of that meter was showcased throughout the poem. I think you've got a great handle on imagery and theme, but it's time to push yourself into unfamiliar lands. More meter!
Moving forward, I think that there's a lot of sun/sky imagery, and I wish there was more imagery specific to Nevada. I've never been to Nevada, and I want to get that flavor, since so much of this poem has to do with the setting, which seems to be the setting (or at least the mental setting). I'm not saying that you should take out the sun/sky mentions-- they provide a framework to the poem, starting with "waking up in the morning," and moving into midday, the "shining in the Nevada sun" and then the narrator thinking about their friend and the sunset. But give me some outdoorsy things other than the sky. And let the narrator's friend show through the imagery. It's about the friend, but I sense it's also about place.
While I think the joke in the beginning was interesting, and made me chuckle, to be honest, I don't think that it fits in very well with the rest of the poem. I think that it would serve the poem better if you started it with "in a sense I'm perfect."
But the mental picture I have of their heart
has stopped beating,
heart failure at a young age,
I feel what you're trying to say here, but the delivery seems clumsy to me. "mental picture" weakens what you're trying to say, as well as the repetition of heart. If I was the poet (which I'm not, so feel free to disregard, I suppose), I would ground this in a place. You just switched from waking up in the morning to photographic memory, and this puts me in a place where someone has a picture of their sweetheart on their bedside table. So I guess I would say something like
The framed picture of their heart
I keep at my bedside has faded,
stilled, failed at a young age.
and the smile of a
I get why you broke the line there, but I wish you hadn't. I really think doing something like this would work better here:
and the smile of a once-colleague-
now-good-friend remains
shining in the Nevada sun
I think that it creates a bit of visual suspense as well because the reader wants to know what the person is now that makes them not a colleague anymore.
"Cool" is certainly a choice that you've made there. I'm not sure that it's quite the right one. But then again, it makes the stanza slower, more grounded than the emotion of the previous stanza. I just feel like maybe the momentum was hindered too much.
Altogether, I really liked this. You're a goodo poet, Willard.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. If you have any questions, like always, ask me Happy poeting!
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