A/N: FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL AT HER AUNT'S HOUSE.
PART 1 of FIVE: THE GIRL IS SHOWERING AT HER AUNT'S HOUSE.
This night is hot
as the shower burns my chest.
This night is hot,
hotter than the rest.
Weekends at my aunt's,
filled with cheap Swedish food and crochet.
I beg my mom not to take me,
as Aunt Misty is very lame.
Suddenly, as the water hits my feet,
something breaks through the window.
A medium sized creature greets me,
he's dressed like a nun but he has sharp teeth.
"Whoa!"
I scream.
He hisses.
This is no dream.
PART 2 of FIVE: A VAMPIRE BREAKS INTO HER AUNT'S HOUSE.
"You're a vampire!"
I yell in fear.
"I'm a jesuit too" he replies,
"don't hit me".
"Don't worry,"
I say,
"I'm not Chinese"
and we laugh the night away.
PART 3 of FIVE: LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT (BUT WITH A JESUIT VAMPIRE :DDDD)
We stare into each other's teeth
as we try to be quiet.
It's a very romantic moment,
like something off of Seinfeld.
We smile, we laugh,
until he tries to bite my NECK!
AHHHHHHHHH!
NOT MY NECK!!!!!!!
PART 4 of FIVE: HE TRIES TO ATTACK HER, FILTHY JESUIT VAMPIRE MONSTER
I punch him
and he swirls and swirls into the sky
like a mixed ice cream cone
smashed onto cherry pie.
My heart breaks,
tears instantly fall down my cheeks,
and my world collapses,
all the pipes break/leak.
"Don't worry,
I'm not dead yet"
and he bites me with lust
as strong as an Army vet.
It was hot
and he holds me in his arms.
We dance until the sun shines again,
where there are no stars.
PART FIVE OF FIVE: TRUE LOVE
He disintegrates into dust,
and everything I know is a lie.
As time passes like a tornado,
I sit down and wait for the sun to set again
for my Jesuit Vampire to rise from ash
and greet me in the shower again.
MORAL OF THE STORY: EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS A LIE. YOUR LIFE WILL CRASH DOWN, YOUR WIFE WILL LEAVE YOU, YOUR BOSS WILL FIRE YOU BECAUSE APPARENTLY "NOT SHOWING UP FOR SIX DAYS STRAIGHT" ISN'T ALLOWED, YOUR HOUSE IS ABOUT TO FORECLOSE, SOMEONE TAKES YOUR CREDIT CARD SO NOW YOU HAVE NO FUNDS, YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR KIDS, AND NOW ALL YOU DO IS PLAY CLASH OF CLANS ON YOUR IPHONE YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE AND WRITE POETRY ABOUT LOVE YOU'LL NEVER RECEIVE.
thank you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
how am I now just reading this xD
Will why. Plz
-7/100 werew0lfz r better, could rlly use a 2st luv interest to spice things up thx
TEAM JACOB WOO WOO
Got it back in the spotlight xD
i think your a fraud mister. real vamps sparkle, evry1 nos that. this isnt real
3/10 not impressed
sadboi
Hello Strange,
My name is mwgoza97, and I think that the poem is off to great start. Here is some suggestions for you, in order to make it much it better.
First of all, you need to introduce the story a little more, by describing the protagonists, the Jesuit Vampire and the girl even more. This will make the readers get a better picture of what going. Describe the setting. Is this in Jesuit country or in the city? Also make the climax last a bit longer. This will make the readers more entranced.
Last of all, the title is extraordinarily long. Pretty much the readers can summarize the poem, by just looking at the title. Think of something shorter to keep the curiosity of the audience going.
Other than that I felt that the story and flow was really well-written.
I look forward to reading more from you. Keep writing and you will do amazing things.
Mwgoza97
it's a satire haha
My Jesus, what a title. I instantly knew it was you when I saw the title in the spotlight without seeing the author.
Hi there! I'm here to review this poem!
First off, this poem is very cool, like I read it twice and kt was even cooler when I read it twice. There are soem grammar errors, but I won't point them out because obviously that is totally unhelpful and this poem is too cool for me to be bothered by grammar errors and other small details that would contradict the coolness of the cool statement I just made.
oh, so yeah, this is cool. Really amazing job, beautiful imagery, I cried.
That's all I have to say.
Also, you have a typo. 'Leak' should be 'leek'.
This was helpful! Keep writing amazing poetries!
Yolo peoples!!!!! LadyRanicorn here for another AMAZING review!!!!! First off, I LOVE THIS TITLE!!!!!!! I know that that was COMPLETELY random, but that's what I'm like!!! 0.0, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! Sorry, this poem is WAY to awesomely funny for me to manage...XD That's what I LOVE about this piece of work, you put all of your time into making it so incredibly RANDOM that I would laugh so hard that I would stat to cry, I actually did... I also love the moral, mostly because I can see one of my friends doing just that, maybe except for the part about writing poetry about love that she'll never receive. Now for questions!!! What in the world did you mean by "As time passes like a tornado,"??? That's probably the only question that I have for this, consider it amazing that I didn't ramble this time. Until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!
*sees like count*
hahahHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
oMGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
this is the best thing that you've written EVUR. i didn't know that you actually loved vampirE ROAMNCES!!!!!!!
pls write a part six seveneight andnine pls plzz plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
your main character was so relatable!!!
I can imagine you just writing a normal sentence and then adding random typos in it, and its even more hilarious than your actual review.
wat
I'm sorry if I offend anybody, but am I the only who is surprised that people took this very, very seriously? Like, actually writing a review that treats the poem as a serious one? Especially since this is not in the normal style of the author and the author has directly implied that this poem is not a serious one? The intent of this poem seems to be more of a sarcastic answer to people who have trouble grasping the meaning of a complex poem than something serious, but hey, that's just me.
HOW DARE YOU TRASH MY NEW CHARACTER, TRY UNDERSTANDING JESUITS FILTHY IGNORANT JERK
Heya, Strange!!
This is Eros here to review your wonderful piece!!!
I loved this one. This was written really great!! I liked the way you have presented your thoughts. This was very good. The theme is fictious and supernaturnal. And I liked the title. It suits the main story. It has a moral too! That's just like a cherry on the top!
This is written is fluent style. The words glide on the theme. Ahh! It was really great!
The use of words is proper, and has a whole lot of meaning. The poem has a soft touch of romance.
Overall, a great work!
Keep writing!
Because we love reading such artistic works!! xD
we finally did it
/we finally got it into the spotlight/
Hey there!
Well what can I say about this. It was perfect! I mean falling in love with a vampire is a know story, but a vampire breaking into your bathroom that to the bathroom of your aunts house, well that was something! This vampire here I don't know why but reminds me of 'simon' from TMI ( just thinking out loud there). Anyway back to your work , the first line of the third stanza was really cool. I mean that was hilarious like staring into each other's teeth? Seriously?
I love the flow and everything else about your work. And the moral well that was really good.
So yeah basically what I want to say from this is that I loved your work! And want to see more of them.
Fangirl~
P.S- how did you know I'm a vampire lover? And if you write something more like this in the future please do tell me!
Best thing I've ever read since To Kill a Mockingbird, no joke. No complaints at all, extraordinary execution and clever jokes. 10/10
OOOOOOO YEAAAAHHH BUDDY THISS WAS A QUALITY WORK
9/10 needed more exclamation points thx.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!