Drunk Santa Claus lets kids
on his lap and screams in their faces
about white elephants and Hemingway.
Mall Christmases are the best Christmases,
acknowledged by the couple who bounce around
the cheap chair, holding hands and ignoring
the time that is quickly passing by.
Champagne dreams and actions
make a bittersweet, summerish aroma
that fills the two-story atmosphere.
A sot and two tipsies both wish
for the sun to shine once again,
but they settle for patience
instead of pure luck.
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hiiii. First of all, I'm strwbrryyy, your friend
Nice work. Just need to polish it a little bit.
This is a simple poetry of yours. I may say that you're having time to brainstorm words with yourself and, that's pretty good. I have some advice and hope to not hurt you.
Maybe you should use some words that will truly fit your idea. By the way, it's still great.
For these lines,
"Drunk Santa Claus lets kids
on his lap and screams in their faces"
I could appreciate your words but, I think that it's more likeable to read when the thought was flowing in a right track. You can use compound sentence instead of a simple sentence. It's better to break down a compound sentence into two parts unlike the simple one. We all know that simple sentences include one thought or idea therefore, we shouldn't break them apart even though we're doing it in poetry. That's all I can say.
Hope you can find the happiness in writing. Love it.
-strwbrryyy
Rightness is subjective(????)
I dig your jams, man.
I feel like this is somehow off-- with the transition between the statement in the previous line. Perhaps you could put the previous line in quotes and reword this line to be more ~Christmasy~. Something like "sing the couple prancing around"Each stanza is a thought. Not really a complete thought, I feel like, but more than complete? Like when you're thinking about one thing and you're trying to drag that one thing out of your head but it's like you stuck tape down on a sweater covered in dog hair trying to get just that one hair but you get five. So you have the main hair, but there are other hairs stuck to the hair on the tape.
I hope that made sense because it barely made sense to me. Ha.
I really like this, and also your double meaning white elephant thing going on in the first stanza, especially. I'm just going to put down some of my thoughts and hope that you can sort it out. I'm in a weird mood.
I like that it's drunk santa, not just regular old sober mall santa. I mean, let's be honest, mall santas could definitely all be drunk santas, with their rosy cheeks and tolerance for anything. I bet they're all underpaid. Also this drunk santa must be pretty smart to understand the Hills Like White Elephants reference. Good play. Good reference. White Elephant gifts... wait, is the play where that term comes from? Gifts that you don't know what you're going to get? Like a baby? What a terrible gift. Which brings it around to kids again. Wait a minute... does this mean that drunk santa hates kids? Does this follow the theme of Hills Like White Elephants? >.> Are you tricky, or am I looking too far into this?
And while I like "cheap chair" for its alliteration, I feel like "cheap throne" is more of a nice oxymoron, and more accurately conveys the sense of commercialization of Xmas.
Ok so I really don't like adverbs. It means that the verb could be stronger. So instead of passing, you could use "skittering" or "slipping" or "galloping" (like a reindeer!) or something like that. Use a stronger verb and get rid of that "quickly" in there. It weakens the line.
What actions? Tell us what these actions are. Champagne actions? But what are they? It's killing me inside.
This passage is wordy. Try this:
Why is both in there? Doesn't that imply two when there are three?
I like the end. It's a nice cap on a dancing, delirious poem. Like a dancing, delirious party, the sun will always come up and put a stop to the festivities.
Altogether, nice job. I like this new stuff you're putting out. Hope this turns out to be useful! Happy poeting!
This has a different sort of tone than yours usually have. I like it, though I can't put my finger on what it is. I appreciate the Hills Like White Elephants reference. Sounds like Santa didn't live up to his potential.
A Fahrenheit 451 reference, maybe?
Haha, not at all. The title is 4:51 because that's the time I wrote it, haha. I ripped it from my Christmas writing thread and realized that I didn't have a proper title for it so I took what time I wrote it at.
Oh wow, that's funny. xD
I was just about to say that, Wolfie ^^
Aaaaand your works get stranger and stranger. xd
I love ittt