Let's kill three teens
during a drunk drive
and blame it on our influences.
Perfect excuse to redeem our souls,
spiritually run away and cleanse
our dirty bowels.
Stuck between a safety net
and a tall place,
regrets don't really exist.
Just, hurry up
and leave.
"Drained bank accounts
doesn't mean an escape route",
you are reminded of
as your feet remained glued
to the edge of the top story.
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Canary word: Present
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Heya, Stranger! Trelose here.
First of all, I like how it addresses the topics and expresses my thoughts on the situation. Well done on that.
I'd like if it kept a consistent rhythm, personally, but still... It's well done. It's very clear on its topic while still making you think, and not a bunch of nothing.
Keep on writing, Stranger!
Okay
Okay
hello my name is Hannah and here is my review
and I think you should listen to Morrigan down there they made some good points
I really enjoyed reading this poem I think its absolutely amazing and great to read.
There are no spelling or grammatical errors which is good and I also like how you have added speech marks possibly to show that you're quoting someone? anyway overall I think this is brilliant. keep up the good work
Uh
Heyo Strange.
doesn't really make sense within the stanza? Take out the of and it becomes more coherent.This review's going to get me my next star. Wheeeeee
So I found out what this was about because of the comment below. While poetry should usually stand on its own, I understand the importance that it plays in social commentary. That being said, maybe drop a link for people like me who don't keep up with the news? I didn't understand quite what it was about until I read up on it a bit.
That brings me to my next point. If you don't want to drop a link, this does need another leg to stand on. "and blame it on our influences" is nice, but maybe add more of a connotation to it. I understand this line at its basic level, but not in the situation as it is applied without background knowledge. So perhaps add something about parents shoveling money as permission into a black hole or something, or blaming it on being too rich, or even "and blame it on our affluences." That would be snarky.
Again, I think you should add a little more flavor here-- try flee instead of leave. Something stronger than leave that implies the story behind this.
I hope that this proves useful to you. I really like how your style is evolving, Strange. I hope you have a good New Years! Happy poeting!
Is this, by any chance, inspired by the "affluenza" teen, who was just arrested in Mexico? Just curious.
Ye.
Well then, nice job on writing a satirical poem about a horrible person and their actions. This poem is fantastic!