1/3
"that was a horrible attempt at suicide".
laying half dead on my bathroom floor,
body contorted to the point where it mimics
a dog without a spine.
I stare into the disappointed face standing above me;
it lacks a sense of approval.
I beg it to drag me out to the triumphant sound
of acoustic folk, but my body remains in abstract shape
as we sit there in silence.
"It isn't pretty
as you might ex-"
"Horrible time to quote that".
The wait to get up
takes four seasons
and nine weeks,
yet the music continues.
Just,
in a more apathetic sense.
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Canary word: Present
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I was not expecting this content when I read the title and I absolutely love that.(hence why I rarely title my work)
there is nothing really to critique on this poem as you haven't made any grammatical errors and you didn't avail of any poetic techniques so there is nothing to comment on there.I feel this poem is more like a very short story.
I feel the first stanza really carries the poem.It really moves the reader but the opening is so strong I feel the rest of the poem fails it.Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to enhance the latter half of this poem but I'm sure if you dig deep you could balance it out, but that's just a suggestion.
keep writing x
Hey. Not sure if we've met before, it's been a while since I've been around.
I have to say, you've come a fair way since I first saw your stuff a few years back. Nice work, great to see.
As for this one, the improvement can be found not in what we add or what we change, but in what we subtract. All the best poems are very lean; the excess is trimmed away, leaving only the vital. Specifically, these are the changes I would make if it were my own poem:
The idea of a metaphor is to make an abstract concept less abstract. I.e., to allow the reader to understand a concept that they are unfamiliar with via comparing it to a concept with which they are familiar. I've never seen a dog without a spine, so as a description it's useless. After reading that line I knew less about how the body was positioned than before I read it, which is the exact opposite of what the line was meant to achieve. Go for clear and specific metaphors.
Delete this line. It contains nothing to advance the narrative, nor anything to enhance any imagery. Ergo, it's redundant.
I have no idea what that means. I know what triumph is, and I know what acoustic folk music is, but the two concepts have no obvious or immediate connection. You need to follow this up with a specific image or metaphor that reconciles the two ideas, and shows me how they're related. Don't assume every reader makes the same logical jumps that you do (because if they did, there would be no need to write poetry).
I dig this. Simple, but effective.
Be more specific. Exactly how is it more apathetic? Describe the nature of this apathy beyond the immediately obvious.
Also, think about your line breaks in this section. They're pretty solid throughout the rest, but could be stronger here.
Overall, nice. To go forward, don't forget that your writing is only as good as your editing.
K.