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by fortis

Static fills my house because,
in the middle of nowhere,
radio-waves don't quite
reach far enough to
brush against 
the receiver

So the sound, like rain and
white noise, fills these
wooden walls while
I sweep the dust
that fell from
all the stars
last night

And I always like to pretend
that I can actually hear
the fading notes of
a Russian waltz
dissipate into
the breezes
and static

I slept in again
this morning

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471 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 471

Wed Apr 01, 2015 12:46 pm
Lightsong wrote a review...

Hey Widdershins. I'm here to reply back the favor! You've helped a lot. ;)

I like this poem. As a non-native English speaker, it eases my mind reading a simplistic poem. While I am not an expert of poetry, I can understand this poem... but maybe just the outer layer of it. All I can guess is that there are many symbolic meanings in it.

I do think the word "static" has double meaning here. I interpret this poem as the persona having a writer's block.

You describe the sound of the radio perfectly with "rain", but I don't get the "white noise". As far as I'm concern, white does not indicate any sound. Monotonous screeches, maybe? Eh, who am I to suggest changes of words, given the amateurish poet I am.

The persona sweeping the dust from the stars seems like she is removing the precious moments or ideas she has. Like a writer keeping their past awesome ideas as just that - past awesome ideas. I wonder how long it took you to come up with this imagery. I applaud you for this.

You keep all the stanzas have each line less syllables than the one before. It gives quite an impressive view and subtle intelligence on making it works.

Good job, anyway, hoping to see more simplistic poems coming from you. :)

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878 Reviews

Points: 35199
Reviews: 878

Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:35 pm
Demeter wrote a review...

Hi Widdershins!

The title caught my eye - I love it!

The line breaks and rhythm is really interesting here, because I thought it was way off/disturbing in the first stanza, but in all the other stanzas I liked it. I love the way it looks on the page as well, like little stairs or bookshelves attached to a wall!

My favourite stanza is the second one - I love the way it ends. I don't really actually have many problems with this poem at all, and the ones that I do have all have to do with individual words. Firstly, the word "static" is used twice, which I think sticks out a little as this is such a short poem. I can't really defend it with "maybe you wanted to start and end the poem with the same word" because the poem isn't quite over yet at the second static.

The other words I'm not sure I like are "quite", "always", and "actually". To me they didn't bring anything to the poem on their own and were just unnecessary fillers.

But other than that, I did like this poem!


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207 Reviews

Points: 2577
Reviews: 207

Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:58 am
Rin321 wrote a review...

Hey! CHRISSY here with a review!
*Happy Review day*

Ok, Just want to say one thing most importantly- this so so creative! We all live with this burden- the clock. I feel like you really just pulled it out of something you do in your life, and is ver unique, and totally different idea!

Ok, now for some fixes. When there is that last lines, why is there those marks? :


I slept in again
this morning

Those dots- what purpose do they serve? I just think they are a little out of place.

Also, you have too many commas in places that are not needed! So you may want to fix it.

Ok, that is all for know, so overall, great Job! You just may want to fix the things I pointed out- but that is all! Keep Writing- and happy Review day!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:19 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hey there Widdershins! Niteowl here to review for Team Blue Moon this fine Review Day!

As usual, this was lovely and I don't know what to critique about this. I liked the punchline at the end. It was just like "waking up" from all the dreamy images.

Nitpick: you don't need a comma at the end of the first line.

The third stanza is my least favorite. I like the image of the fading waltz, but the first two lines seem a little clunky, like you were trying too hard to make them long to fit the structure. Maybe just one line "I like to pretend I can hear" would still fit the structure while sounding a little nicer.

The structure unravels a bit again at the end--"the breezes" and "and static" have the same syllable count, plus seeing breeze in the plural is rather strange. Maybe "the staticky/breeze" would be better?

Overall, this is great and I'm stuck being nit-picky. Keep writing! :D

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212 Reviews

Points: 13620
Reviews: 212

Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:23 pm
birk says...

Just dropping in to say I love the title you wrote for this, fort!

Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!
— Allen Ginsburg