Your hands curve around the steering wheel
like these swooping telephone cables
that I always seem to find myself
staring at while we drive down
this monotonous expressway
of gray, overcast skies and
old concrete overpasses
that silence the rain,
creating a bubble
of quiet as they
pass over our
Volkswagen
Beetle
.
There is no deviation
one pole to another
and I can imagine
the impulses
squeezing
through
every
wire
.
The car radio is beginning to get
foggy again as we speed down
the highway at 20 miles over
and you’re reaching again
for the tuning knob and
all I can see are the
silent sentinels of
bars and cables
that seem to
be holding
up the
sky
.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,866 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Fort!
Ok, so I don't usually like concrete poetry for a number of reasons (mostly because it tends to force language into something unnatural), so take everything else with a grain of salt!
A couple things I really like: your last stanza, both the use of "foggy" and "20 miles over" because it's language that simply works.
Your middle stanza: it's a transition, and as much as you need it, it also reads as superfluous, I think. It doesn't move your poem anywhere, but it does link your first and last stanza, and is rather necessary for your structure.
"Monotonous expressway" - too easy. You can do better than that! Especially in light of your middle stanza - maybe take that idea and image and rework something into that middle stanza? It's conveying pieces of the same idea, but I think you can do it better and then keep the structure intact as well.
"Silent sentinels" - Foooort. Ok, I love the alliteration, but I do not like the application. It seems too much like a cheat. Give us something more than silent! It could be splintering poles half fallen from rain and wind and snow still struggling to hold up the sky, piercing (whatever color adjective whatever), tenting, etc. ok, I got a bit off track, there. But you can definitely come up with something more evocative, be it loudly or quietly.
Anyhoo! Fun read, Fort!
Hello. I can see that you have clearly thought a lot about the language and presentation of this particular poem. However, I am sorry to say I do not understand the significance of the stanzas being physically shaped in this way, other than it looking nice!
I think this can somewhat detract from your overall message, which is a shame because you have intelligently crafted a poem here that is not just about roads and driving and the power of speed etc, but it is also about control and passion - themes which stem into other areas of life and clearly reflect on the passion you put into this poem. Well done.
Hi forti!
I'm so clad you did a another one of these poems. I really loved this one as well! I found the ending profound, with the cables holding up the sky. Very well done. Throughout the poem, I get a very clear image and a grey feeling.
One thing I wanted to point out, however:
I don't really think that foggy works best in here, because how can radios become foggy? I think something like static or staticky would work better here, but it's your choice.
I really loved the lines descending to a point, it went really well with the words of the poem and made it beautiful.
That's pretty much it, as I feel like nothing much needs change here. ^-^
Keep writing poetry!
-Falco
I understand the structure is to help create the picture (and hey this has a way of showing climax), but it is overdone and diverting. Again the poem is rather prosaic; otherwise it's ambitious and contains some really wonderful descriptions.
I find that poems that lean toward prosaic tend to get their images across more clearly than those that use superfluous, florid language. I find I enjoy reading them more, and this leads me to write them more.
Thank you for your compliments.
Was about to review this, but then saw this, I agree with Chekwube.
Hey Fortis! Imaginator17 signing in!
It's been a while since I've worked on poetry, let alone review it. So bear with me haha
Well first of all i'd like to say that I really like this poem. As I ready it, I got this dark tone, and dark vision. Which is what I think you were going for? If so, then great job!
I really like the way you smoothly transition from talking about driving to telephone cables and wires and smoothly transition back. And the format was really nice too, it helped me visualize the picture you were describing.
I don't really have much criticism, I liked the poem a lot so if I had to nitpick it would be that it's a little unclear when you mention the impulses squeezing through the wire. What impulses could you be talking about? and what do they mean towards the whole poem?
Besides that I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more of your works.
Imaginator17 signing off
Keep writing!