Note: This prologue has been re-written. The new version can be found here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=99774
Residue from the burnt city builds up in the bottom of the valley like dust on the boxes where peace is kept.
Scorched remnants of a forgotten civilization lie across the landscape, scattered in the tall grass by the whims of a long-ago wind; smoke rests undisturbed in the empty sky, signifying a time when the buildings below blazed with the fire of broken promises.
The sole inhabitant of the valley stares across the stretch of land, her eyes searching the horizon for movement. To the south is a sheer wall of rock and to the north lies the scorched remains of a village; behind the village towers the trees of the Forest of Blood, branches emblazoned with the reds and oranges of autumn. A few leaves hang stationary in the air, their fall interrupted halfway to the ground. All the east and west offer are endless stretches of open water; the sun is frozen in its setting, the calm waters forever reflecting patterns of red and orange light. For what she can perceive only as centuries she has stood in this valley where time has no hold, staring into the setting sun, her concentration never wavering. She does not feel the chill that rests upon the hollow she stands in, nor does she feel the soft rain frozen in its act of dripping from the heavens. These are only distractions, and distractions she ignores; all they will do is pull her away from her searching. She forgot long ago for what she searches; there is no longer evidence to suggest there is anything worth looking for, any goal left to pursue. There is nothing left to do but look.
And so she continues to scan the deserted landscape, if only for the sake of it.
If only because it is all she has left.
She once had grand motivations; once she was part of something important. Once, her searching mattered. This is recalled from somewhere deep inside her, from a place long forgotten. All that is left in her mind is the shadow of such thoughts, the immense feeling of loss, that there should be something where there is nothing. She does not know the details of these thoughts, nor can she detect the origin. She only knows one thing.
Once, she had a purpose.
All she can recall now is a need to search.
She hangs on to that thought, for it is what keeps her sane; it is the raft that keeps her moving along the thundering rapids of unwarranted existence, the string that leads her through the labyrinth of perpetual sentience. Without her searching, she is as good as dead.
With it, she doesn’t know that she’s much better off.
A sudden rise in wind pushes the rain into her face, blocking her vision for a moment. She turns her head to the side, brushing the water away with the sleeve of her cloak before returning to the task she must complete.
It occurs to her that she can move.
For the first time she begins to notice the cool touch of rain falling on her face, the chill of wind rushing past her, the sound of leaves rustled by moving winds.
She does not remember the last time she knew of these things.
She begins to turn slowly, suddenly noticing that she stands in tall grass, the dirt below it turned soft by rain.
Thoughts begin to crowd into her mind, memories scrambling for a place in the void of her consciousness, recollections of a time long forgotten, a past long left behind.
“It’s too early,” she says aloud.
“Indeed.” Tau walks up to her, his hood raised against the light rain.
“What does it mean?”
He pauses. “Something. Certainly not nothing. That is all I can say.”
“Something bad, then?”
He turns away, looking towards the sun that now sinks below the horizon, the first time it has done so in ages. “Something.” He steps up to the rocky precipice, running his hand along it. “Some balance has been upset; something that has stood stationary for ages has changed. What, or to what extent, I do not know.
“Come,” he says, stepping from the cliff. “We must meet with the King.”
She turns her head upward, feeling the cool mist on her face, something she has not felt for so long.
“He must be the first to hear the news,” Tau says, turning back to her. “We must inform him that his heroes have returned.”
End of chapter
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Well I'm having trouble forming an opinion about this work. At first it was a little . . . weird and confusing but then it became really interesting. What really grabby my attention was the part about the hero's returning. I'm having trouble understanding the setting. But this is just the prologue so there's time for me to figure that out. Overall this is an interesting piece and I'll probably read more just because I want to figure out what the heck is going on, but I don't mean that in a bad way, the piece is really good. I love the way you write! It's so dramatic and it flows really well. So yeah that's all I have to say, thanks for writing and good luck!
Okay, this was great.
You have a very interesting way of writing, I've never read a book written from this person, I'm not even sure what it's called . . .
Note: This is rather difficult to critic because of this.
Also, a slight technical problem, you give the impression that this city burned years ago, and yet, here 'she' is, seeing smoke . . .
Even though it may be tons of smoke, it will drift away in a fairly short amount of time.
Also, I like to include my main characters name when I'm starting a story . . . it's helpful.
Also, something great to add onto here, that would make it sound even more epic, give the name of the city, give something about it. It would really help.
Also, the first couple of paragraphs are rather difficult to read, really, they are. I'm not familiar with this type of writing, but those first two paragraphs need work for sure.
Note: Try reading them out loud to yourself, that really helps.
I didn't think of that, I was told to by a writers teacher. A professor.
Seriously, it works like a charm in editing your own work.
But this was great, it makes me want to keep reading, to find out what's going to happen later on.
Which I will do.
Keep writing!!!
pleasurable and Very descriptive!
I can't say anything other than it was great...and I liked the way you did with it which was first setting the background and then letting us know little by little.
It'd have been better if you would have done more when it comes to the characters, what is their relation with the scene and the sort.
I look forward to seeing more from you, this story has the potential to develop a great plot!
It did make me excited a bit to read some more which does not happen with me a lot, so you are doing great!
Hope my review helped!
Let me first say this to you: You are really good at writing. Most of the time I am confused. Especially in the beginning... but the way you give little hints along the way and slowly reveals more and more of the situation is great. It works. It kept me interested. Also the fact that you mention the king's heroes in the last sentence. It makes me want to know more - what did they do to become heroes? What kind of world is this? Good job. I don't think you should make it more clear. The fact that I'm a little bit confused is what I like. It always takes some time for the reader to know what kind of world it is - so don't worry if people say they're confused in the beginning. It's only natural and perhaps even a good thing because not knowing everything there is to know keeps the readers interested. Also the fact that the point of view is confused is really interesting.
I'm sure you'll become great writer someday. You're good at grammar and good at making a story interesting... Now I'm just interested to see if your world is good. Creating a world is really difficult. I've tried it a couple of times and I have dumped both worlds because they reminded too much about other writers' worlds and weren't complex enough. I'm hoping your world is everything mine were not.
Hey that was good! though I gotta say I was a bit confused about the time. At first I thought she was returning to a place in her past but thats actually impossible now that I think about it.
I like how you written it. It's good that your info isn't direct.(I gotta work on that too.shhh don't tell.) Your words gave me a good image of whats around so I could actually see it and the layout is spaced out nicely so it maks it easier on readers.
I don't think I quite get your simile at the top about the dust collected on the box. I get what you mean but to me it doesn't make sense. Maybe it's just me.
Anyways Keep it up!
Thanks. The simile is a bit confusing. It's sort of referencing the fact that the village burning caused a war that has gone on since then, making there dust on peace because it hasn't been touched for a long time...but yes, it is a bit confusing. I'll try to make it clearer.
Hey there!
I like that this story was written in this present tense. And somehow it gives a feeling that this will turn into a fantasy story. From all the description that you give and the style of writing here, it certainly seems like an extract from a fantasy novel.
With such little dialogue but lots of narration, it was easy enough to grab my attention. Normally I would be bothered by the overload of narration and description but I enjoyed yours. The setting itself gets me interested, the ruins and all, like something is lurking there. At the last part you do reveal something about heroes returning, and that's like the hint of continuation to the actual plot. It's good not to let the reader know everything in a shot.
The characters here are pretty quiet and don't speak much. I want to know more about them. Their history, or their personal attachment with this place. Talk about what happened in the past that led to this, and how they may have been involved in it. I want to get to know the character more instead of just knowing her.
I look forward to seeing more from you, this story has the potential to develop a great plot!
Hope my review helped!
Thanks for the advice. I'll make sure to take that into account and perhaps add in some more dialogue or backstory.
I applaud you, good writer. I have always found it ridiculously difficult to write in the present tense. It has angered me so! Because of this anger, I have often avoided reading things written in the present tense. However, I'm glad I read this.
With this prologue, you have the ability to grab the attention of any reader. A forgotten civilization. A destroyed city. A King. Heroes. However, I think you need to add a bit more action and information about the characters. I realize that prologue's do not have to give the entire plot. Nevertheless, the way you have written this prologue, you need more detail concerning your main character. I am guessing that this girl is your main character. I don't feel any attachment to this girl, which a reader needs to, because I didn't hear enough of her thoughts or see enough of her actions. Give her more dialogue with this Tau character or have her think important thoughts to herself.
Overall, this story definitely has potential and is going to turn into a great story. Keep me posted. I'm interested to find out what happens next. Happy Writing!
Thanks for the review. I'll make sure to add more in about the characters. Happy writing to you as well.