I do not know for how long I have been falling.
The ocean of darkness enveloped me immediately, the cold air washing over my face. The emptiness has no visible boundaries; it offers no data for my senses to interpret.
For all I know, I could already be dead, floating in the void of my conscious.
Presuming that is not the case I wait, losing track of time, losing track of everything, my Shifting abilities the only things alerting me to the growing distance between me and the top of the shaft, hoping for Destiny to alert me of—
I feel a sudden jolt.
I Shift immediately, letting Destiny direct me north, and the world swings around me, light pouring into my eyes. I am thrown forward, and I hit frozen dirt shoulder-first, rolling over twice before coming to a rest.
I lie there for a for a few minutes, letting my eyes get accustomed to the light. When I can see again I stumble to my feet with a groan, looking around. The sun's light is muted by the wall of low grey clouds, but I guess it is midday. The hill I stand on is covered in a thin blanket of snow, but it has stopped falling. White hills roll off toward the horizon on all sides.
The clop of horses catches my attention and I crouch, peering over the crest of the hill. A dirt road lies down below, the snow cleared off, and along it rumbles a wide cart packed with boxes. It is going north, toward the city. I wait for the cart to pass, then climb over the hill and walk to the road, wrapping my cloak around me and pulling the hood up.
After a few miles, small buildings begin to appear on the hillside; the farther I walk, the larger and closer together they become, until I see the city of Iare itself.
The city was said to have been majestic, once, before the 16th Imora.
There is no longer any indication majesty was ever present.
Dilapidated gates adjourned by two towers, one of which has collapsed, greet my entrance. They are connected to something that contains the idea of a barrier, but has not acted as one for years. The wall's highest is about ten meters, but it only comes to that a few times, preferring to stay around the two or three meter mark; in some places there are only piles of bricks.
The city beyond is a broken one. Buildings crumble beside cobblestone streets pocked with crater-like holes. Now, wooden shacks that have been erected along the roadside seem to be where most residence is.
"You can't imagine what it was like."
I spin at the sound. A boy, perhaps fifteen, crouches to the side on the roof of a crumbling brick building, dressed in a dark cloak, a stuffed satchel hanging over his shoulder.
"They all look at it that way, you know. They live in places that fare no better than this, but they come here, thinking, no, not Iare, it couldn't have been destroyed." He shakes his head. "Well, they're wrong. Even the best of us fall.
"So, where do you come from?" he asks.
"Kar," I say. He frowns. "It's in the Far East."
"Ah. You're with family, then?"
"No."
He looks at me quizzically.
"They're dead," I say. "Lavaeran soldiers."
"Oh. Sorry." Then his face wrinkles in confusion. "Why would?...The only Lavaeran out there...Well, there're the ones that killed the Sentinel."
"What?"
He frowns. "You didn't know? News came last night, from one of the Half-Essences. Lavaeran attacked the Sentinel's town and burned it to the ground. The Watchers didn't have a large enough force to stop thme. There were no survivors."
Just another one to add to the ashes.
"I don't really find it all that important, but the people do. That's the only reason the Watchers were doing it, you know," he says, "the people. They wanted to give them hope." He snorts. "Don't know who they were trying to fool. We all know there isn't any Essence left. No, this blasted country's beyond saving, now.
"So," he says, "You came. Why?"
"I have...business. In the Canyon."
"Business, eh?" he says, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I'm going there too, so you might as well come."
"That's nice of you, but I can—"
"No, you can't. Come on." He leaps down and sets off into the street, waving for me to follow.
The street is moderately full. Most people are dressed similarly, in simple, colorless clothing. There is some sort of market on the street we walk down, with salespersons calling out wares. I look at a fruit stand as we pass; most of the fruit is bruised or rotten. At least they have fruit, though. We rarely had anything of the sort in Kar.
As we walk the boy introduces himself as Rase Emeron. "And you?" he asks.
I hesitate. "Aelie. Aelie Tol."
He stops abruptly, turning to face me. "Aelie, as in, the Sentinel?"
I nod.
He swears under his breath. "Well, that would be why you didn't know he was dead. Or, rather, you were dead."
"I...would assume so."
"You escaped, then? How did you manage to get here so fast?"
"Half-Essence. I can Shift."
A frown crosses his face. "How're there Half-Essences out that far?"
I shrug.
"Anyway," he says, setting off again, "I suppose that explains your business in the Canyon. I'm sure the people will be happy to hear of it. So, how does it feel, then? To be the Sentinel? The person chosen by Destiny to guard the people? Enlightening? Inspiring? Self-enabling?"
"Perhaps...oppressed," I say.
He eyes me.
"I didn't have a choice, see," I say. "I didn't want to be the Sentinel. I have no freedom; my fate is manipulated by Destiny, my actions influenced by others."
"But you still came here."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because...I can't be free, anyway. Destiny is going to force this on me whether I like it or not. I might as well do it willingly, right?"
Rase pauses for a moment, staring at me, then shrugs. "I suppose. I mean, there's also the thing about a duty to the people..."
"Oh. Well, yes, there is that."
"I still don't understand, though. There isn't any Essence left. Why do we need a Sentinel?"
"I...know less about this than you do, Rase."
"I guess. The people think Destiny and the Watchers are planning something. That they have...a backup. Well, here we are." The ground below us has turned to stone, and it drops off up ahead. Rase turns, sweeping his hand out behind him. "Behold, the glorious Canyon of Eternal Heroes."
HI!
This isn't a review. I'm not even going to read the piece.
I just wanted to say that this is the 100,000th piece on YWS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
COngratulations!
And isn't that exciting???
"For all I know, I could already be dead, floating in the void of my conscious."
Nice, I like this line. Brings in an excellent perspective to the piece. Well done there.
"fordestiny to alert me of.."
Minor typo, but there should be a space in between "for" and "destiny."
"The clop of horses..."
Not the clop of the horses, but the clop of the hooves from horses would be catching your character's attention here.
"it is going north"
i think you can find some smoother wording instead of "it is going," maybe say it's "trudging" north instead. Something along those lines, whatever works for you.
"Dilapidated adjourned by two towers..."
Excellent excellent excellent imagery and vocab here. Loved this line, great writing, well done.
Nice, I like how you've crafted the boy. He seems well done and has some excellent 'all knowing' philosophical statements. I just love those characters.
Ok, important plot with the bit about the Sentinel dying. Although you didn't ever describe his journey to the broken city as one that lasted less than a day, which I was a little confused. You'll have to go back to your writing and add some more info there.
""So," he says, "You came. Why?""
Add in a "the boy paused and looked back at me. "So..." Just to alleviate any potential confusion in the writing and dialogue.
I was surprised when you described the people in the city, especially because the first thing you described was the destruction of the walls and what not. Maybe add in some people wandering about just to help with clarity.
All and all a good piece of work, I'm a little suprised with how the boy just decided to believe Aelie when he claimed that he was the Sentinel. I certaily would have thought he was just feeding me a load of crap. I enjoyed this chapter, certainly can't wait for the next. let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Okay, he meets a new guy, and tells him who he is.
Isn't this in the middle of a crazy, chaotic war?
I sure got that impression. You, ahem, I, wouldn't go say 'I'm the Sentinel' to the first person I meet in a situation like that.
Seriously, that's illogical.
Dumb.
Whatever.
But anyway, your style has smoothed out a bit, and I was unable to find any obvious grammar mistakes (good work there), but I was able to find a lot of more logical mistakes (above) and speed mistakes.
Plus, you DON'T PUT IN ENOUGH DETAIL.
Am I correct in assuming that this is probably one of your first times writing . . . ?
Because events move to fast. It's just bam, meets a new guy, bam, he goes with him to the canyon, there's no detail in-between.
And it seriously needs it.
Sorry, I'm feeling like an arse being so critical to you.
But the detail, I want to know Aelie, I want to know what he thinks, what he feels, what he sees, every little detail.
I WANT IT!
Otherwise I can't live the story like I want too . . .
A good story should be one that you can immerse yourself in, a story that you can bury yourself in, become part of.
I want to be able to live as Aelie.
To do so, I have to know Aelie, what he does, sees, and feels.
Please, fix up the problems, and let me know. I'll re-review it. Seriously, this has enormous potential . . .
All you need is a bit more experience maybe . . . ?
So please, keep working, keep writing.
And I really hope you get over your problems.
Well, this was most definitely an interesting chapter, wind!
I was confused at the beginning since I have not read any of the other chapters which I will be sure to do when I have time. But I liked how it flowed and I know something very important is going on....sounds like something invading the place they are in? Anyhow, the plot has me very intrigued.
I do not do well with grammar or structuring but I felt as if there are lots of commas. Maybe they are correct and I am just not good with those but still. I liked the story and I could not find spelling errors but I could have missed them.
Overall, I want to read more. Hope this review helps even if it is just support for the story heh. Not good with the picking apart reviews like I know some of the others can do. But good job and I will be sure to read the rest later!
Sincerely,
Soulkana