Note: I posted the prologue before; that, however, is no longer the prologue. I changed the story quite a bit, and the prologue no longer fit. So, here's the new one:
Above the searching figures, the sky bleeds light.
The oranges and reds of the setting sun bounce around the canyon after bending through the Puredome; the refracted light dances on nimble feet across the expanse of pure white rock, illuminating the silhouettes of hundreds of figures.
It has gone on for some time now, the search, with little result. Now the sun is setting; in a few minutes, looking will be futile.
How Eigeal sees it, if the Sentinel is dead, waiting until the morning to find him will make no difference. If the Sentinel is alive, then he can survive one more night.
Others will refuse to go back, citing some absurd notion of honor, asserting that giving up would betray the Sentinel. In Eigeal's opinion, the people are not supposed to save the Sentinel. Isn't that supposed to be the hero's job?
Eigeal is turning back, starting north, putting his curved horn to his lips to call the others in, when he sees something.
It isn’t much—he almost misses it in the fading light. A flicker of shadow, the trace of movement.
He walks towards it, stepping slowly. As he nears, he can make out a dark form crouched in a shallow depression in the rock.
Lae. The Sixteenth Sentinel. Keeper of the Essence, servant of Destiny, protector of the people.
He approaches tentatively. As he nears, the Sentinel does not look up. Lae’s slight shifting in position, though, indicates he is alive.
Eigeal steps up beside him, and only then does Lae finally glance up. As Eigeal’s eyes meet Lae’s, he sees something in them—or rather the absence of something, like the water in a dried-up river bed. Lae says nothing, and his empty stare conveys no words. Eigeal stands for a moment, examining the Sentinel. He is crouched with his knees against his chest, so it is hard to judge his height, but Eigeal estimates it as shorter than his own. The man has a sharp face with shoulder-length hair cut at ragged angles and a scraggly beard. The pure white cloak of the Sentinel has been marred and torn, and scorch marks adorn the back.
The smell of smoke fills the hollow, sending Eigeal to his feet, dashing out across the rock, scanning the horizon, pulling his horn up. The source is easy to pinpoint; even in the dying light, the column of smoke can be clearly seen.
Eigeal steps to the edge of the ridge, looking down to where the fire blazes, surrounded by a cluster of small wooden buildings and a tall metal structure. The Essence mines.
The Lavaeran.
“Lae!” Eigeal swings around. “The mines, Sentinel!”
He waits, but there is no reply.
Eigeal runs back towards the hollow, grabbing the Sentinel’s shoulders and shaking them. “You’re going to sit here?”
Lae’s head swings up, and he speaks quietly, his voice scratchy, hollow. “I cannot help them, Watcher.”
“It isn’t about what you can do, Sentinel. It’s about what you must.” He pauses, but the Sentinel says nothing, so he continues. “This is your duty, Sentinel, and I don’t care what happened in the Imora that made you look like this or how much your pride has been hurt, I will not let you fail the people when they need you most.”
“I have already failed, Watcher. I have given up my duty. I no longer serve the people. I cannot.”
“Captain!” A young man runs toward them, waving for Eigeal. “The mines!” The man skids to a stop, eyes coming to rest on Lae.
“The Sentinel. You found him,” He breathes, awe in his voice. He turns, calling over his shoulder, “And Thoam was thinking the Lavaeran would take the mines. I’ll be back, Captain. I must tell Thoam that all is not lost, that our hero has returned.”
“No.” Lae’s voice is barely audible over the calls of horns that ring across the valley, and Eigeal is not sure whether he speaks to the young man or to himself. “Your hero is gone. He, he is never coming back.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Without Destiny: Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Okay, this prologue was better than the previous one, though it ended less openly.
Okay, but it had more grammar mistakes.
Your style is still . . . weird?
The names were better, I'm glad to hear you put some more detail in on those.
But, you could really use to put in detail on the surroundings. Think about when you're reading a novel, you tend to immerse yourself into the story, become the main character.
And I have found that the more detail you put in the better and easier it is to do this.
Not just detail on surroundings though, but on feelings, thoughts.
I really get the feeling that this is a prologue, but it's in someone's point of view, not some out of the way narrative. (But remember, you CAN put too much detail, so be careful).
It had gone on for some time now, the search, with little result.
(I don't know how to put in the little quotes yet sorry).
Now this is bad grammar, I'm afraid to say, here, let me rewrite for you.
The search had gone on for some time now, but with no results.
A slight technical. They're searching for somebody, how can there be 'little' results. Wouldn't they find him all the way, or not at all.
Your grammar is good otherwise. (Note: I only mentioned one spot were you did that, there are more).
Your style is unique, and your idea seems original. That's something I look for in a story.
GREAT WORK!!! Overall.
Keep writing.
That's not ideal really for a prologue.
Also, your sentence structure, is, I must say, a bit messy.
Sorry, I try not to be too critical.
Example, in the beginning you said
Hey indgo!
~ I usually advise not to break your dialogue up with so many tags. One is fine-- that lets us know who's talking, his emotions, whatever.Shady back for more of your wonderful writing!
You, again, delivered us a very nice piece with few errors. Grammar, syntax, and spelling are all fine. Content is very nice.
The one thing I saw that you could change is this bit:
I don't really like the looks or the flow of two, however-- and you have three, which is worse. Try. "The Sentinel...you found him." He whispered in awe before turning and sprinting away. "And Thoam thought the Lavaeran would take the mine. I'll be back, Captain. I must tell Thoam that all is not lost. That our hero has returned."
Or something.
If you need any more help or have any questions (or post a new chapter
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Thanks for the review!
Hey there Wind! Dogs here with your review, as requested. Ok, to start things off you have a great opening with the sky bleeding light, your description of the light on the rocks certainly doesn't fail to impress. Excellent work there, however this line is a little awkward:
"illuminating the silhouettes of those who searched"
This line is a little oddly worded, it kinda falls off the wagon when you say: "of those who searched," maybe find a replacement for "those who searched." Try saying "hunters" or something else along those lines.
Ok, in the next paragraph you use "search" a few too many times Try finding a synonym for it as a substitute. If you're having troubles with this, look it up in a thesaurus. It helps trust me.
"Lae. The Sixteenth Sentinel."
I think at this moment you need to add in some imagery about the sentinel and what it looks like, as of now the reader is a little in the blind about the imagery for this thing. I'm imagining a sentinel much like that from the Matrix, I feel like I'm completely wrong though.
"Somewhere, a fire begins to burn."
I think it would be more dramatic for this part if you didn't describe the fire beginning to burn and just described the smoke drifting into the air.
"He... is never coming back."
Ok, I like the ending for your prologue. It gives the reader something to latch onto and makes us want to read more, nice job in that regard. Although, just for the sake of flow and looking less sloppy, try replacing the dot dot dot with a comma. It has the same effect and I like it better that Lae says that line as a statement rather than stammering over it.
All and all a great piece, good start and i can't wait to read the next chapter. Although I'm a little confused as to why you bold your writing here. Oh well, with some editing this piece is looking to be great. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thanks for the review! I'll make sure to edit with those suggestions. I'm not exactly sure why it's bolded; I originally typed this on google docs and when I pasted it in, some of the formatting was strange.
Here to review like you have requested!
My name is Review, and I will be the one omniyusing your work today! Wait... Eh oh well.
All joking aside (For now hehehe) I will now partake on the journey that is omniyusing.
This is...breathtaking, to say the least.
I love how this is told, how the emotions are a roller coaster ride, then you, or the reader, in my case, can tell that hope is lost, because a fire is spreading over and obviously important place.
You, the reader, are introduced to a battle that obviously carries more background than explained in the prologue.
I am extremely impressed with this piece, and I hope you write more!
I hope this helped, even a little,
Omniyus.
Thanks for the review!
Mwahahahahaha the candy was well worth it!