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Young Writers Society



Balcony

by Whatsarahsaid


This will be nowhere near the best post on this board, but I've tried and this is my first attempt. Sorry about grammar! It's been a long time I've wrote something like this, outside of school!

Hanging perilously from the balcony he saw the one who had betrayed him, who had had also filled him with dangerous lust. Skin as pale as dawn, that silky laugh, the same laugh that had spat at his cheek. Two months later, summer still had a grip, so did she. Nails bitten down to the quick clawed at his neck and threw him onto the floor. Still she stood below.

He had caught them alone, one of their many liaisons. He still remembered every detail; the light in her eyes that he had lit, a light he had only been able to burn out. That silky laugh sounded different on his cheek, caring, almost loving.

“Are you going to stare at her all day?”

He turned and looked at his enemy for the first time, his own flesh and blood. His fist found his brother’s. He felt the satisfying crunch of a bloody, broken nose and withdrew. Still she stood below.

Looking at the hotel room, he caressed the fresh linen. As he lifted his fingers, he saw the red mark ingrained into it.

A groan erupted from the hunched figure on the floor; he approached it and smashed his foot onto its stomach. The hunched creature in the floor spoke;

“ Roses”

“Don’t speak to me, bastard”

“ Matthew, listen.”

“ WHY SHOULD I?” The anger burst through the inflated bubble.

“ They were her favourite flower. Did you know that?”

His fist caught Michael in the head. How could he talk about her this way? He knew nothing of her, all he knew where her legs on satin sheets, how she moaned.

“She told me everything”

“Don’t flatter yourself, she never cared about you”

“Your right, she didn’t.”

He was silent.

“She cared about you, you worried about losing her”

“Oh fuck off, don’t give me that schmaltzy crap”

“That’s your problem isn’t it? You never think anyone cares as much as you.”

“You say you know me Michael, you couldn't’t be more wrong, I cared more than anyone.”

“I know you more than yourself”

“What am I then? Shitty mess on the floor? Best friend is the bottle?”

“Nice to see you think so much of yourself”

“Get fucked”

“Thanks for the invitation, actually I’m lying on the floor right now. Have you ever thought that perhaps all this is your fault?”

“I know your going to tell me why.”

“I’m not, you know the answer yourself.”

“That I cared too much?” He asked softly

It was a long time before he opened his caked lips to speak again. By this time, his brother had turned to leave.

“We’ve said enough”

He closed the door quietly behind him.

Matthew stood, like a statue.

As he grabbed his only friend and smashed it against that door, the clear liquid, running down chrome, he knew.

He grabbed another bottle and looked below, knowing she would only wait below in his dreams. She was gone.

He cradled his head and took a long swig, feeling more numb with every sip.

Peeling the bottle away from his lips, he saw he had destroyed everything, along with this bottle. The bottle was thrown out the window, descending down the many floors to smash, unheard on the streets below. He paused and leapt after it, past the lies, meetings and deceit that he knew had happened in this very hotel.

Room 33. But he knew there were more.

His final thought as he collided with a silver Mercedes in the parking lot,

Belonging to his brother.


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53 Reviews


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Reviews: 53

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Thu Dec 15, 2005 8:50 pm
Whatsarahsaid says...



Thank you again Snoink, and many thanks to Hope as well. I actually cringe when I read this now., all those grammatical errors! Well anyway, my first attempt of a short story in a long time. Nearly two years, I'll hang on in there! I don't know if I can carry this on Hope.. I don't think that the characters will go anywhere now, especially as Matthew is dead.

Thanks again




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Mon Nov 28, 2005 4:24 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Lots of grammatical mistakes, especially for the dialogue. When you write a sentence, even in dialogue, you end it with a period. Remember that. Also, go through the story with spell check. There's several errors that you can fix.

The writing isn't really that clear. The dialogue helps, but the way this piece introduces itself is bewildering. I can understand not wanting to tell the reader all the details, but it seems like you're sacrificing the story for some flowy descriptions. Don't -- in fact, just because of the dialogue you made, I would advise against it. Your dialogue is crisp and short, and your first paragraph into the story isn't. It doesn't connect well.

Even so, I'm sure this can be fixed. It's not terrible, just rather vague. And the dialogue is good. ;)




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42 Reviews


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Mon Nov 28, 2005 3:36 am
Hope wrote a review...



Wow...
Now is this your first attempt at writing or at writing romance? I'm sorry if I would look around the board more I guess I would know. It's really quite good actually. The ending really surprised me. You missed some punctuation. Are you going to explain more once you get into the story? I liked your description in this. I can't wait to read more!





Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
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