Episode -2: The Adventure Of Seven

Hey there Whatabook. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Note before I begin my review that I have not read any of the previous chapters. I could barely squeeze this review into my hectic schedule. This piece has been in the green room for awhile and after reading I can see why it remain there for so long. This is listed as a novel chapter but it is written as a script. The way you titled the chapter tipped me off to this even before I had read the story. In its current formatting there isn't much allowance for description. This makes the story extremely boring and bland. It was a nice idea that you came up with and I might be able to offer a word of advice. Improve on your dialogue and all of that other grammatical stuff. So stay tuned for next paragraph where I am going to tell you what you need to fix and how.

The first line gives the reader a pretty good idea of the date or whatever you would like to call it and their location, the middle of nowhere.

After a few days, they reached the mysteries island.

Peter : (Giving a hug to joy) & made my dream come true !

Syd took red-black mixed,

Susie took black-purple mixed

Seeing them all took up.

Peter took Brown coloured

Joy took Blue coloured

Mickey took White coloured

Crystal took pink-white mixed

Grace took lavender-white mixed

As you all know Syd & Susie are naughtiest. They ran like anything scared away of the animals. Suddenly, they screamed, all came running to them, there was a cave, Syd & Susie went inside it. Behind them all went. There were 7gems there. Pegasus to Syd & Susie , " don't touch." But they took 1-1 gem each.

Hey there Whatabook! Here's a late welcome to the site!

You've got an interesting idea here; a group of kids stumbling upon some magical stones- I wonder what the stones will do to them. I'm guessing they give them some sort of special powers, but who knows!

One thing I noticed was that this chapter kind of looks more like a script than a chapter. Scripts serve their purpose, but they leave a lot to be desired because they basically tell you everything that's going to happen, and what the characters are supposed to say, but they don't tell the story in a way that we really f you asked me about your characters I couldn't tell you anything about them. I don't even really have an opinion on them, because I have nothing really to go by (except that yeah, Syd is a bit more adventurous, which is cool). I think this is caused by a few things... one is that if you have an abundance of main characters it's less easy to develop them all to be really memorable individuals in the space of a novel (so if you can get away with less characters, that can be really good). Another thing is we're not hearing anyone's thoughts on these folks- I only got a sense of a narrator at the very beginning sentence, and that middle paragraph. Other than that it was just character dialogue, which can be great!- but without some sort of guidance it's easy to get lost.

Speaking of getting lost, some point in the middle of reading this I was confused as to what was happening. I was finding the conversations hard to follow, I guess. I'm going to mention again that less characters would be a good thing in this case because that's quite a large contributor to why I was confused; too many people to keep track of. It's like when you're on a school trip: you know everyone that's with you, but still when you count who's around you and notice you're missing a few, you can't seem to recall who's missing.

Sorry for my rambling, I hope you got something out of that! It's nice to see a new member posting fairly regularly! Best of wishes with the story, and keep it up!!!

-Socks