Episode -1: The Adventure Of Seven

Heya, Whatabook.

I know you didn't list this under realistic fiction, but I agree with Caterpickle: it's really odd to see students going that far just for a holiday getaway. It does not make sense. Maybe it does somehow in your story, but the thing is, you didn't give us much to go on as to why they'd go to this extreme. You've only shared dialogue with us, and it does go from one place to another, as Cater mentioned. Try adding in details so that we'd understand where they're coming from. It'd do wonders for your work, I promise.

Aside from that, grammar did come as an issue to me. Head over to our forums. There's a Resources section that may help. Here's a link to one of the articles I believe you'll find very helpful: The Great Grammar Compendium. There's a lot of stuff there you can read through to help you become a better writer.

Finally, I'm not sure what this piece really is. You say it's a novel, but it feels more like a script. If it is a script, then make sure to categorize it as such. It's not that much of a big deal, but it does help people who want to review your work.

Cheers and good luck.

Hello, Whatabook. I'm here to review your...episode. This was extremely confusing, and not very well formatted, to be quite honest. I know you may be trying to write it like a movie script, or a play, but it would have been much more understandable if you had provided character descriptions, or a synopsis of what this was all about. I had no idea who anyone was, or what the character relationships were, or whether they were in college or just walking the gardens. The lack of this kind of information is a crucial mistake, in my opinion.

If you were trying to make this a serious project, then you shouldn't have replaced "you" with "u", and "I" with "i". This made me not even want to finish reading it, because of the texting language. Almost the entire story is dialog. Only six out of 25 lines are descriptive, and even those do not provide any information about the where's, when's, what's, and why's of this story.

The storyline itself is extremely jumpy. First, they're walking in a garden, then they're being chased by the gatekeeper, then they're poisoning a principal (not "principle", like you put in your story, but a "principal"), and then a film director gave one of them a "ship". This story is so full of holes. It is completely unrealistic that they are poisoning a principal, just to go on a trip over holiday break. Also, "ship"? As in a boat, or a plane, or a UFO? This is one of many things that need explaining.

There are several grammatical errors, so I won't list them all. There are lots of places that there should be a space after the commas, or where there shouldn't even be commas there in the first place. You are inconsistent with your capitalization of their names, and the brackets are often placed wrong. I could go on, but the moral of this paragraph is that you seriously need to proofread before you post.

I hope this review helps you better your writing, and I hope this wasn't too harsh for you to handle.

~Caterpickle