Don’t read the signs
They don’t say a thing
The cold neon flashing
There wants your mind
You reside in shadow
They silently shout
But you slide on out
Also silently, and forgo
The darkness and cold
Moved towards the fire
By instinctual desire
Disregarding what you’re told.
Words are magic,
Are sound and smoke
(Really a trick)
And you would choke
If you dared stay
In that cool cave
Open a door
And then go, brave
Through those strange lands
For which you have
Forever longed
Burst into song
And words at last
Surrender, still
The ships in the harbor
Are steered by little winged feet
Through liquid silver.
The eagle nesting on the cliff
Watches climbers, children, and tanners
More than too closely.
(But who can judge
But the golden Sun above?)
No one minds the woman
Emerging from the ocean
As if she were just born.
Thunder grumbles in the distance
To assert that it still
Rules that place
And could wipe them all out.
But the climber on the rocks goes on,
Watched by the eagle
Who swoops down toward him
As a stag leaps out of the forest
Under the full, silver Moon
And the Earth trembles violently
Leaving seahorses
Washed up on the shore.
You generally can’t separate sheep from goats
Battleships always travel together
To stop from crumbling like foil
Skydivers are jumping near your location
(So hope for the best)
Bread and circuses take every form but bread and circuses
And the applause splits the Earth
As people instinctively
Nudge each other
To keep them mechanically clapping
Members of the genus homo
Gather by and leave fraternity and sorority houses
Like birds migrating, noisily
“This is flocking behavior, right?”
Someone asks you,
As you stand invisible to the forming herd
The Furor is absolutely real
And all your pores grow wide
The whole world grows pores
And black insects fly out
As if from a honeycomb
Nymphs and satyrs run through the park
Like marionettes and try
To get you to dance
As if that’s all they wanted
All the world melts
And you flow down the stream
Then you melt,
Nothing more
But silently-cackling sparks
In Stygian blue
From the cloud-cave above
With a battle-cry
You erode all
That still remains
It’s been a long time
Entranced in the night,
Restlessly, but who
Needs rest
In solitude
And all the things
You thought you knew
Meet up
With the shores of oblivion
And all you can think of
Chemistry, color
The unattainable
Like the taste of all the poisons
No one thinks about
Yet still surround them
And what the Sun looks like
In fine detail
And what it’d feel like
Not to breathe
For twenty minutes
But you’re not a mystic
So you move from that
To this
To that
And stop between
Isn’t it good that you’ve had ideas
And not even realized it then?
Yeah, and the night sinks deeper
(As if you noticed)
As you sink into that bed
You don’t even notice the flickering patterns
Because you’ve sunk yet further
And you’re on that bridge between
The thing and its idea
Like the left and the right,
And can’t fall down again
This is where magic is mastered
But you still walk out, despite all this
As if unchanged
And gaze on the unreachable object
Of all your desire
If that’s reached,
Then what’s left?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello Werthan! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I.{space here}Sound and Fury
First of all, I'm only reviewing the first poem because all of these should be in separate works
and I need to go somewhere in 15 minutes so yeah I have to be quickOh, and also
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = random Kara comments.
Spoiler
{If you insist on keeping all four poems, then add a space here}
Don’t read the signs
They don’t say a thing
The cold neon flashing
There wants your mind What? I don't get it. Also, the rhyme scheme here is off. I would fix it.
Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
You reside in shadow
They silently shout
But you slide on out
Alsosilently, and forgo I don't think 'also' is the best word to use in this context... I would remove it.Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
The darkness and cold
Moved towards the fire
By instinctual desire
Disregarding what you’re told.
Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
Words are magic,
Are sound and smoke
(Really a trick)
And then you would choke
Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
If you dared stay
In that cool cave,
Open a door
And then go, be brave
Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
Through those strange lands
For which you have
Forever longed
Burst into song "longed" and "song" don't rhyme
Add a "--" here to separate stanzas.
And words at last
Surrender, still.
Honestly, I didn't get what this poem meant. I would make it a little more clear with more imagery. Sorry if that's harsh. I generally am a pessimist.
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Thanks! I thought reading it aloud would be enough to make it clear since some things are obvious references and the meter and weird rhymes themselves divide the poem, but maybe that isn't enough either. I'll consider your suggestions.
I'd recommend trying to read it aloud before giving me advice. "You reside in darkness" is not being shouted and reading it will make that clear, for one thing. Thanks though.
Sorry I gave you incorrect feedback on your work. Thanks for correcting me. I'll be more careful for now on!