12+ Language Violence

Chapter One

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Ivy

The black haze turned a violent white. The blurred cloaked figure beckoned her. Closer, and closer. Closer still.

“Time has come for you,” it murmured. “Answer his call.”

The figure chased Ivy from her sleep. As if to smear the memories of the dream away, she slapped her hands against her cheeks. Her breathing ragged and heaving calmed, and she contemplated it, her dream.

“What time is it . . . ?” It seemed as though there was nobody in the room, as far as anyone could tell. Brushing her hair away from her eyes, Ivy looked straight up at the figure standing at the foot of her bed.

“Time to get to school,” the cloaked figure snorted, stalking through the wall beside it. Sighing, Ivy pulled her heavenly warm covers off of her, throwing her feet over her bed in an attempt to wake herself up. There, in the perfect undisturbed grey wall, the cloaked figure had just walked through, a ripple distorted it, and the bare bone of a skull spoke.

“If you don’t hurry, you’ll be late for school. Your sister left already.”

The black-hooded skull retreated, back to the other side of the wall, into the hallway off to do whatever it wanted around the house. Ivy could hear the smooth wisp of a cloak, as the Reaper took to the stairs.

Her kitchen was completely empty, save for the Reaper casually sitting at the counter, it’s boney fingers clinked against the ceramic mug it was holding. Its bones clinked against the counter, as if a clock slowly ticking, counting the seconds as Ivy packed her bag.

“Your parents are still asleep, and they’re going to be late. You’re going to have the same problem soon if you don’t hurry up,” the Reaper lifted the mug to its face, clinking against the white glistening of bone that would be its lips.

“Where does it go?” Ivy pointed to the coffee the Reaper was gorging itself on. Her hands moving, but her eyes glued to the black coffee pouring from the mug, into the empty skull. The Reapers paused, the liquid still flowing down what would have been its throat.

“I don’t know. I just like the feeling of consuming this stuff, it makes me feel human,” the Reaper shrugged as if that was normal. For a Reaper to feel human. Even when you aren’t? Ivy asked herself silently. The Reaper turned on her as if hearing her thoughts.

“I know you well enough that you just made fun of me in your head, but I’m not going to say anything else about it because you’re late for school,” if the Reaper had eyes in its empty sockets, Ivy could just imagine it rolling them, brushing off her silent comment.

“Are you coming with me today?” She asked, slinging her onyx backpack over her shoulder carelessly. The Reaper seemed to consider this but never answered, as if on the way to its response, it got lost. Ivy threw a silent farewell to the Reaper, it’s hooded skull un-moving when she closed the door.

Ivy’s walk to school was like any other. People on the other side of the road, whispering to themselves, pointing in her direction. That crowded bus stop Ivy had elected to avoid. Everything seemed like any other day. Just as bland, just as boring.

“Good morning, Ivy,” Ivy didn’t need to turn to know who it was. What could have passed as shadows brushed past her, walking, floating, ahead of her.

“Hello.”

Ivy didn’t usually talk to people much, but these people were different. If you could call them people. Thinking about it, Ivy couldn’t really count Reapers as people. Although she could and did, talk to them, it wasn’t like anyone else could.

“What’s wrong?” The Reaper asked, concerned. Ivy shook her head, dismissing her previous thoughts.

“Just a dream I had last night. It’s weird, you know? That sometimes, when you dream something, it happens just the very next day, as though you had predicted it,” Ivy lamented, the Reaper nodded it’s head, questioning her thoughts.

“I’ve never dreamt before, is it fun? Scary? Annoying? All three?”

Reapers didn’t sleep. Ivy had noted that much about them, so it was logical, of course, that they wouldn’t know what dreaming was like.

“It can be fun, sometimes. Beautiful dreams, painted in the bright hues of dawn, and the glowing shades of dusk. Or nightmares, marred with the sickening waves of blood, or the screams of those passed on.”

The Reaper seemed to take this in, considering Ivy's’ words.

“Then what are nightmares?” It asked, curious.

“I suppose creatures meant to take blood, wouldn’t understand,” Ivy laughed dryly, “it means something that you fear. Something—or someone—scares you. That’s what a nightmare is. The things you fear, the things you hate, and maybe even the things you love,” Ivy explained further. The Reapers around her considered her words.

“Why would nightmares, that show a mortals’ fears, have something you love in it?” One of the Reapers that had gathered around Ivy asked, falling into step with her as she paced to school.

“Because, sometimes, they’re the same thing.”

The first bell rung, just as Ivy stepped into the building. In a flurry of rushing to class, and students dashing to their classes, Ivy melted into the crowd.Ivy joined the whirl of students again after pausing, waiting for a group of students to pass, before falling into the rhythm of their steps. The second bell chimed, just as Ivy took her seat at the back of the class in mathematics. The teacher only looked up when the class was dead silent, his face the strictest Ivy had ever had the opportunity to set eyes upon.

Ivy couldn’t help but sigh, leaning her head against her propped up fist, waiting for class to end. The teacher droned on, and on, and on, an endless monologue. Her next class wasn’t any better. Ivy's’ emerald eyes shone like a forest, looking out the window. There, sitting on a bench in the campus yard, was her Reaper. So it did decide to come, Ivy thought to herself, not noticing it had lifted its head to look at her through the window. Not noticing it had appeared right beside her, right in between her desk and the empty one beside her.

The desk in front of Ivy was empty, too. As was most of the desks around her. That was normal though, for her. Nobody wanted anything to do with the Two-eyed Witch, after all. One who could see the Reapers. Not just her own, but others as well. One: The closer a Reaper is to its charge, the sooner they will die. Ivy mulled over the Reaper Rules. Her Reaper had told her once, they were like law. Rules that had existed since the birth of time, her Reaper had said. Two: Reapers cannot talk. That rule had Ivy’s brain working. They couldn’t talk, yet they all spoke to her as if it was normal. For her, and for them. Three: Mortals can only see their own Reaper. Another rule that had the gears in Ivy’s mind turning. Assuming everyone only had one Reaper, it was odd that she could see them all, even when they weren’t hers.

The shriek of the bell interrupted Ivy’s train of thought, screeching chairs coming out from desks, the fumbling flipping of paper as students collected their things. Ivy went with the flow, eyeing her Reaper from the corner of her eyes.

“I thought you were staying at home today,” Ivy said, her voice monotone, the Reaper following her all the way to the roof.

“I got bored.”

Ivy snorted, taking the steps by two, to her usual lunch spot. The faint sounds of laughter echoed down the oncoming hall, and Ivy looked down, rushing past the group of people as fast as she could.

“Look, it’s Two-eyed Witch,” one of them snickered.

Behind Ivy, her Reaper bristled.

More whispers followed her to her destination, students clearing from her path, avoiding her echoing steps through the hall.

The wind was like a blade through her hair, the green of the trees in the schoolyard tickling the skyline. The Reaper behind her stood silently, watching her every move.

Ivy slighted her head, glancing at the Reaper. She said nothing, yet her eyes asked her question for her.

“There’s someone here.” Ivy spun around on her heel slowly, rolling her eyes around the flat roof. At that second she turned around, there seemed to be missing something. Like the absence of animals in a forest. Abnormal. Ignoring the Reapers warning, Ivy sat down on the edge of the school building. Her back facing out to the schoolyard, she bent to reach for her bag.

“Leave them.”

The only sound that Ivy heard on her entire time on the roof, was that of her Reapers cloak, dragging along the smooth ground of the school building. Her eyes rolled to look at the time in the corner of her computer screen. The bell is about to ring, Ivy noted. The lid of her laptop glistened in the afternoon sun. The bright blue of the sky, the perfect canvas for the glowing shine of the sun.

Ivy padded to the stairs. The only thing disrupting the flat plain of the roof. She strode there, as if making to go down them, but instead passing the door, looking down at blazing violet eyes, cast in the shadows.

She was drowning. In the deep, fierce sea of the boys’ eyes, they engulfed her. That feeling of the helpless… Drowning. It was the same as when she looked into her reapers eyes the very first time. The haunting endless black pit of darkness in its empty sockets. Without another thought, Ivy turned on her heel and descended the stairs. There was no sound coming from the roof, and Ivy didn’t look back to make sure. All she needed to do, was get to class. That was all she was here for.

Students in the halls, again, parted ways for her. Either disgusted or scared of Ivy, she didn’t know.

“Are you just going to ignore that boy?” The Reaper asked. “Nobody is ever on the roof. Not with you there,” it pointed out the obvious, again.

“Leave him.”

People fazed, in and out, through the Reapers body, walking behind Ivy. People can’t touch Reapers. Be it theirs, or someone else's, if they could even see someone else's. But of course, Ivy could touch her Reaper. And on the seldom occasion, will get it to do chores for her. That was something that made her unique. She could tell the Reapers what to do. They didn’t always obligate albeit, but Ivy treated them as equals. One of the same. But of course, they were not the same. Not in any way.

Ivy didn’t see that violet-eyed boy again that day. Not in the school, or outside of it. The sky had already begun to sleep, and the glowing shades of dusk that she had told the Reaper about that morning, had come to meet the blazing sky.

Murmurs around her engulfed her, and Ivy didn’t realize she had accidentally tuned in on another girls’ conversation until they had noticed her behind them. Their conversation hazy, Ivy remembered something about a ‘purple eyed hot boy’ but she could have just been hearing things. Purple eyes weren’t that uncommon. Were they?

Ivy thought back to that boy her entire walk home. His flowing short jet black hair, his pale ghostly skin, that put Ivy’s light skin to shame. And then, of course, there were his eyes. His eyes, Ivy mulled over that one factor of his perfect face. All these foreign thoughts clotted her mind.

“Hey, you’re home already,” the rasp of the Reaper’s voice pulled Ivy from her thoughts once more before she could walk past her house.

In the quickly darkening sky, a single light in Ivy's’ house was alit. In the fall side of the house on the second floor. Avery. The door was already unlocked, confirming Ivy’s suspicions. Her steps through the house were non-existent. She was like a cat prowling the ever falling night outside.

There was a thick silence in Ivy’s room. The clock on the wall above the door was a slow, thundering ticking. Hands shaking, Ivy pulled her knees to her chest, curling herself into her plush bed. Not only her hands but now her arms. Her legs, her head. Everything shivered as if a chill had just swept the world. A bomb had gone off in her head, a war-ravaged mind. Ivy had nobody. Nobody in the world.

“Rave! Are you okay?!” Avery sped into the room, snatching an orange bottle off the dest to the side of the door.

“Here, it’s ok. Take these—” Avery shook the bottle, and two, snow-white pills, came tumbling out onto her palm. “—see? You’re fine!” Avery coaxed Ivy, handing her a glass of water that seemingly came out of nowhere.

Ivy’s shaking ceased, and her breathing steadied, to a slow intake. In, out. In, out. Ivys’ clenched hands loosened on her shirt, the crumpled fabric the only thing left in her wake.

“Thank you, Avery, I’m alright.”

Avery looked skeptical, holding Ivys’ shoulders in a soothing way. Eyes of a forest met Avery's’ teal orbs.

“You’re never alright after an attack.”

Ivy looked towards her Reaper, standing a the foot of her bed.

“You’re never alright, and you know it,” it repeated, laying a hand on her head. Ivy smiled too for the kind, Reaper.

“Is your Reaper talking to you? I told you not to talk to it! That’s why you get all these anxiety attacks!” Avery complained, worried about Ivy in her place.

“I’m fine. I just want to sleep,” Ivy sighed, pushing her head off her arm, only to collapse on her pillow again. Avery pursed her lips and puffed her cheeks.

“Fine. But if you need anything, make sure you call me, okay?” She said, pointing an accusing finger in Ivy’s face. She only laughed, rubbing her head against her pillow like she was already dreaming.

“Your sister a darling, isn’t she?” Reapers didn’t have much expression. Ivy rolled her eyes to look up at the towering Reaper at her bedside. Ivy hummed her agreement, her Reaper looking down at her knowingly.

“I’m going to check out what, Rem, is doing. See ya’.”

Rem. Avery’s Reaper, Ivy recalled. Ivy’s Reaper had always been casual with her. Ever since she was young, it had always been friendly. The way it spoke, the way it stuck with her wherever she went, everything. And Ivy was grateful for that, but that was for another time. Another time when her head wasn’t so full of thoughts and ideas. For then, she only needed the darkness. She only needed the feeling to fade away into oblivion. And so, it did.

Reapers have names. Ivy had learned that from hers, but her Reaper never gave her its name.

“Reapers don’t have genders, you know,” it had said once to her. Though they had names, oddly enough, they didn’t have a gender.

“Then how do you come up with your names?” She had asked in return, only to receive a shrug.

“We’ve never had the need to talk to mortals the way I do unto you. There has never been a reason, it just is,” it replied. Today was but a Saturday, so Ivy had nothing to do. Knowing the people at her school, from always watching them from the sidelines, Ivy knew they’d all be at the mall, or at some salon they would splurge in.

“Then what is the Underworld like?” Ivy asked, her nose still in her book. The Reaper that had been pacing around on the carpet stopped and Ivy looked up only to see those lifeless sockets trained on her. For a second, Ivy thought she had done something wrong. But not moments later, the Reaper continued it’s pacing. Answering.

“We are not permitted to speak of the Underworld. Though generally, we cannot speak to mortals, either,” it pondered on in its mind. That was the thing, too. Reapers couldn’t talk to said mortals. So why could it talk to her?

“That your boyfriend?”

While Ivy’s attention had slid back to her book, she hadn’t noticed the Reaper glide over to the window beside her bed. Now, it pointed it’s boned-finger out the window, a soft clink as it touched the sealed glass.

“What do you mean?” Ivy threw her legs over her black covers, stalking over to the window. “See? There’s no one—” Ivy paused. Because there was someone. A boy, standing outside her house. Right against the fence, his face without emotion.

But his eyes danced in its violet glow.

“Who is that?” Ivy hissed under her breath, darting to the side of the window before the boy could see her. Too late, the Reapers dismembered voice in her head. Out. Out of my head. Not now, Ivy dismissed the Reapers warning in her mind. Light tapping became louder, as what Ivy would assume was the boy, strode up to her home. He rapped his hand on the door politely, before silence ensued once more. Open the door, Ivy mouthed to her Reaper in the corner of her room, already crawling into her bed and pulling the sheets above her head. The Reaper sighed.

“Wouldn’t it be scary for the boy to see the door opening when nobody is there?” It asked logically. Ivy shook her head violently side to side.

“People already know I’m the, Two-eyed Witch. Would that really be so weird?” She countered it, and the Reaper heaved a sigh once more. Fine, it said into her head. Leaving her room, Ivy was left with her own trembling thoughts. The sound of the door swinging open filled her ears, and she held her breath.

“Can I help you?”

Ivy’s chest tightened further. It wasn’t her Reaper that had opened the door, she realized, but Avery.

“Is, Ivy Sime, here?” Presumably, the boy asked. Ivy couldn’t help but delve further into her sheets.

“Umm… Why do you need her…?” Avery asked suspiciously. Of course, she was. This had happened thousands of times before. People come over, looking for Ivy, calling themselves her friends, only to chase her out of her own house with their taunts.

Two-eyed Witch, Two-eyed Witch. Lucky as a black cat, they had called her.

“I just need to talk to her,” the boy replied, insistent. Ivy could practically hear Avery, take a nervous step back, as the boy stepped forward.

“Sorry, she’s not here.” She stated firmly, slamming the door in the boy’s face. Ivy and Avery sighed in unison, feeling each other exhale from their respective rooms. “So, are you going to tell me who that was?” Avery walked into Ivy’s room, prowling like a cat in the night. Her eyebrow raised in question.

Ivy sighed, thinking of anything she could say about the boy. Who had just knocked on her door. At, eight pm, on a Saturday, asking for her. So, Ivy was shocked, yes.

“I don't know. I saw him once on the campus roof,” she explained carefully. Gauging Avery’s reaction.

"Why was he on the roof? Nobody is ever on the roof. That's why you hang out there, isn't it, Sis?" Avery quietly sunk beside Ivy, curling her hands in her lap. "So nobody hears you talk to him?" Avery asked again.

Although Ivy, had told her childish sister that Reapers didn't have genders, she still liked to refer to it as a he.

"Aye. Tell the kid I'm not a he. And she better not call me a she, either. Or I'll slit her neck with my own scythe," the Reaper swore sarcastically, facing Avery. Not that she could see it, though. Or hear.

"Hey, Aves, Reaper says not to call it a he," Ivy conveyed, her head slumping back into her pillow.

"Well, you can tell him, no," and strut out of the room.

"It can hear you!" Ivy called after her sister, laughter flitting across her face, glancing at the Reaper. Ivy could mentally see the Reaper rolling its' eyes, gliding back to the window.

"Hey, Romeo's, still here."

Ivy whipped her head to the window again. Mentally groaning and rolling her eyes, Ivy strode to the window, and looked the boy dead in the eyes.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
mellifera
Review

Hello WendyVermillion! Happy Review Day :)

-The beginning is not clear? You wrote the first section as if you had already explained what was going on, but since I don't, it doesn't make sense to me. Ivy seems to have a disturbing dream, but you don't elaborate on it. You mention a Reaper, but I'm not sure what you're portraying a Reaper as?

Also, the Reaper tells her to answer someone's call, but then tells her to go to school? School doesn't seem like a great motivational calling to me :p


Ivy could hear the smooth wisp of a cloak, as the Reaper took to the stairs.


Wisp isn't a noise, Ivy wouldn't be able to hear a 'wisp'. I would either change it to her seeing the wisp of the cloak as he leaves the room, or changing the description to something that is a noise.


You're going to have the same problem soon if you don't hurry up," the Reaper lifted the mug to its face,


Since you don't have a dialogue tag following Reaper's...well, dialogue, the comma should a period and the should be capitalised. Also, since you're referring to Reaper as 'it', any time you use its, it should be it's.


Ivy pointed to the coffee the Reaper was gorging itself on.


Gorging would be equivalent to saying that the Reaper is eating the coffee, since gorging is used to describe one eating fast/a lot at once.

Like I said about the wisp of the cloak before, this doesn't fit the context. This is an issue when writers fall into writing too much purple prose (I'm sure you've heard the term before?). If you're ever not sure what something is, or have doubt that it could mean something else, look it up! I know that I spend a ridiculous amount of time second guessing words that I write, just to be 100% sure I'm saying the right thing. And even then, I'm still wrong!


but I'm not going to say anything else about it because you're late for school," if the Reaper had eyes in its empty sockets,


*whispers* another place where the period should be a comma right before the quotation marks. And its should be it's.

(a little addition after reading farther! I noticed that you mix up the commas and periods quite a few times after this as well! Try to be aware of this for future reference and editing :) )


Ivy threw a silent farewell to the Reaper,


How? Did she wave? I wouldn't just say that she threw a farewell at him, I'd suggest showing her waving or something else to indicate she's bidding him farewell. (And I'm sure you've heard about telling vs. showing?)


"Because, sometimes, they're the same thing."


I love this line <3


his face the strictest Ivy had ever had the opportunity to set eyes upon.


Now I haven't had too much issue with your writing style, but as I said, I'd watch out for purple prose. This line is particularly distracting, since the only thing you're trying to describe is that the teacher looked strict. (Perhaps describe his expression instead)


Ivy's' emerald eyes shone like a forest, looking out the window.


First of all, the second apostrophe is unnecessary, but this whole sentence seems out of place? It doesn't fit in with the last sentence/what has been happening.


not noticing it had lifted its head to look at her through the window. Not noticing it had appeared right beside her, right in between her desk and the empty one beside her.


(It's)

This is...very abrupt. It looks up and her, and then it's suddenly right next to her. I can't figure out the exact reason this bothers me so much, because there's more to it then that. But this is a weird transition.


Ivy snorted, taking the steps by two,


The what? Is she on a staircase?


The wind was like a blade through her hair,


This is another transition that doesn't make sense. Since when is she outside? She was just in the hall with other students.


"Leave them."


Who is talking here?


Her eyes rolled to look at the time in the corner of her computer screen.


Since when did she pull out her laptop


She strode there, as if making to go down them, but instead passing the door, looking down at blazing violet eyes, cast in the shadows.

She was drowning. In the deep, fierce sea of the boys' eyes, they engulfed her.


Why is this split into two sections? There doesn't seem to be a timeskip here, since there's these mysterious purple eyes and then she goes back downstairs.


-When you introduce Avery, you don't explain who she is. At the point you introduce her, she's just a random stranger in Ivy's house. Also, why does she call Ivy Rave?


Reapers didn't have much expression.


This seems out of place following dialogue, and it's an odd way of phrasing it? I think Reapers not showing emotion could have been shown much earlier than this.


"I'm going to check what, Rem, is doing. See ya'."


The commas aren't necessary, and neither is the apostrophe. (also, a later addition, she never seems to actually check on what Rem is doing?)


Because there was someone. A boy, standing outside her house. Right against the fence, his face without emotion.

But his eyes danced in its violet glow.


well, he's officially made it the creeper category.

Aside from that, what violet glow? If you're describing that his eyes are glowing, I would rephrase it to something more like 'But his eyes danced with a violet glow.' Otherwise, I'm not quite sure what you mean? Is there another violet light somewhere?


-When you write in a characters thoughts, I would suggest italicising it to make it clear that it's a thought rather then throwing it into a section, because it can get confusing with the switching of povs.


-Also, is it not normal for witches to have two eyes?


-Maybe you explain this later, but what is the purpose of the Reapers? Are they like defenders or guardians? Or are they just kinda there to hang out.


So, Ivy was shocked, yes.


I know she hides and all that, but that's more of a fear indicator. There isn't much hint of Ivy being shocked by the boy's presence.


That's why you hang out there, isn't it, Sis?"


I did suspect Avery to be Ivy's sister, but I would introduce her as Ivy's sister earlier on.


-I would try to watch out for purple prose in the future. Otherwise, your writing is pretty solid and nice! Just be careful about not making it too 'fancy' :)


That's all I've got for you today! I hope you I could be of service to you *tips hat* Keep up the good work!

I hope you have a great day :D

Lol, thanks for the review. I've never exactly heard of the term "purple prose" before, so I'm not sure what you mean. And a lot of this story is supposed to be shrouded in mystery, so I understand if you're getting lost, my bad.

This is only the first draft of my story, and as most writers say, "the first draft is almost always crap." Which may not be true for some people, but is usually true for me. I'm just posting it here to get some feedback on how to improve.

Hoping to improve my writing still, and this helps a lot! Thanks!
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My apologises! I just didn't want to have an explanation all written out if you already knew what it meant :p In short, purple prose is using very 'flowery', fancy or extravagant words and/or metaphors, which can be fine! (I love using fancy words) But sometimes it can interfere with your writing, in the sense that it can break up the flow of writing and distract from the actual story. There are plenty of times where unusual or extravagant words can fit in without disrupting your writing, but you want to be careful not to overuse it. I'd suggest looking it up! I don't have an article on hand about it right now, but there are plenty of places that explain it better than I can.

And the story isn't bad! I think the premises is interesting. Just my thoughts as I was reading along :)

User avatar
Teddybear
Comment

So, I realize that I may not be the best person to criticise your work, as I myself am only a beginner in the writing field, but I have been a reader since I first picked up a book, so I think my words should hold some weight anyhow. My first issue is your writing style. Now, usually I make it a rule not to comment on the style a writer uses, but the way that you write is just...distracting. You write story's like they're poetry and your dialogue is straight out of a bad romance novel. To fix this, I would try listening to the people around you, analyze how they speak, and try to notice how you speak. That way you can learn different speech patterns and learn to apply them to your work, it worked for me, though I am still working on making it second nature.

I have a problem with your characters and their interactions as well. When Ivy wakes up and sees the reaper in her room, I noticed you tried to make it seem as casual as possible, make it seem normal for her, and that's fine. But you need to acknowledge that the readers won't find it normal at all. It might have been better if you had written her reaction a bit more like a student being woken up by a parent or sibling and made the narration comment on how the reaper woke her up like this most mornings, or something, or that it was a rare event, or whatever would be true for your character. As an added bonus that would give the readers some insight into who Ivy is, is she the kind of person who wakes up late often? Or is she up on time most mornings?

Another thing I noticed was that I, as a reader, couldn't tell what was happening all the time. I've had the same problem in the past with my own work, and I've been working hard to correct it, so you're not alone, in fact, it comes up almost everywhere. You get caught up in the flowery descriptions of thoughts and feelings and environments, and you forget to tell the readers where the character actually is and what they're doing. It's like this, you describe a room, tell the reader about its long flowing curtains draped over gold rails, and the view of the garden beyond the window, but you forget to mention that your character walked into this room and sat down next to that window. It's a common mistake, and most people don't like to point it out, though I can assure you, they notice, and it makes them think less of your work. This error can break a reader out of the 'spell', so to speak, and make them realize that they're reading a book, not experiencing the world in full 4D.

Now, it's a good story, it's just flawed. And you can fix it, or rather, make it better. So I would recommend you take my advice, but it's up to you, not everyone cares what I have to say, and I'm not going to force you to do anything, it's not like I can.

Thank you so so so much for the advice. I realize that My writing style is a bit odd, and I'm trying to read and get feedback on how I could improve it all the time.

On the part that you're saying that being woken up by a Reaper is normal for Ivy, but not for readers, it's supposed to be like that. The casualness of her actions and the un-normality of it with normal people is supposed to be a sort of shock0factor. But I understand if it's a bit weird, I'm still trying to improve.

This critique is really important to me, and thank you so much because I'm definitely going to take this advice and try to fix my story because I love writing--though I am certainly not a professional--I consider it as a kind of get away from my life.

Thank you!

User avatar
Teddybear
Review

So, I realize that I may not be the best person to criticise your work, as I myself am only a beginner in the writing field, but I have been a reader since I first picked up a book, so I think my words should hold some weight anyhow. My first issue is your writing style. Now, usually I make it a rule not to comment on the style a writer uses, but the way that you write is just...distracting. You write story's like they're poetry and your dialogue is straight out of a bad romance novel. To fix this, I would try listening to the people around you, analyze how they speak, and try to notice how you speak. That way you can learn different speech patterns and learn to apply them to your work, it worked for me, though I am still working on making it second nature.

I have a problem with your characters and their interactions as well. When Ivy wakes up and sees the reaper in her room, I noticed you tried to make it seem as casual as possible, make it seem normal for her, and that's fine. But you need to acknowledge that the readers won't find it normal at all. It might have been better if you had written her reaction a bit more like a student being woken up by a parent or sibling and made the narration comment on how the reaper woke her up like this most mornings, or something, or that it was a rare event, or whatever would be true for your character. As an added bonus that would give the readers some insight into who Ivy is, is she the kind of person who wakes up late often? Or is she up on time most mornings?

Another thing I noticed was that I, as a reader, couldn't tell what was happening all the time. I've had the same problem in the past with my own work, and I've been working hard to correct it, so you're not alone, in fact, it comes up almost everywhere. You get caught up in the flowery descriptions of thoughts and feelings and environments, and you forget to tell the readers where the character actually is and what they're doing. It's like this, you describe a room, tell the reader about its long flowing curtains draped over gold rails, and the view of the garden beyond the window, but you forget to mention that your character walked into this room and sat down next to that window. It's a common mistake, and most people don't like to point it out, though I can assure you, they notice, and it makes them think less of your work. This error can break a reader out of the 'spell', so to speak, and make them realize that they're reading a book, not experiencing the world in full 4D.

Now, it's a good story, it's just flawed. And you can fix it, or rather, make it better. So I would recommend you take my advice, but it's up to you, not everyone cares what I have to say, and I'm not going to force you to do anything, it's not like I can.



By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19