Every day I catch the bus to work. I always take the same bus, the 332 to the downtown square. My routine never changes. The idea of changing my routine makes my head spin out of my domination, with gusts of dizziness and lack of the power I should be able to grasp over my small fragile life.
I take the bus at the same time every day as well, I leave my apartment by 7:35am and catch the 7:42am bus. On it every day are the same bizarre people, the old women with the puffy blue coat and round glasses who falls asleep and gurgles the spit in mouth; the other the lady with the scarf in her hair who sings opera songs on the bus and stares at my toes and Dex. Dex always stays standing, and he always has a backpack, he isn’t too bizarre.
The bus stays the same as well, flat velvety seat cushions with colourful dots about them. When the bus stops in front of the coffee shop by my house, it moans and purrs, and usually lets out a loud grunt of weariness. I usually pat the side of the bus as I step on and whisper don’t worry old boy. The bus ride is usually about half an hour, I always smile and say good morning to the people I recognise, and then stand beside Dex.
On this particular day, it was sunny yet the frost still hung to the air and the melting snow sloshed under my booted feet. I grabbed a coffee from the little store beside the bus stop and warmed my hands on the tender cup. The bus came on time as always, it didn’t matter what weather conditions there were, it always came at 7:42am. Today the bus let of a heavy bellow of exhaust, I patted it kindly holding my sling bag on my shoulder with one hand and the cup of coffee in the other.
I followed along with my normal routine, saying good morning to the bus driver, the old lady with the round glass and the middle aged lady with the scarf. I looked at the window where Dex usually stands and noticed his lack of presence. My routine immediately went off course, what was I going to do now? I decided to sit down beside the old lady; she smiled kindly and gazed out the window into her world of the unknown.
The bus stopped with a halt, and I decided to get off, I jumped of thanking the bus driver. I didn’t have to be at the theater till 11am, but I would always go to work early to help set up for our practices. I finished my coffee as I walked around the block; this was still my neighbourhood so I knew where I was. This is nice. This was different. Never had I thought to do this, and why? Because I was stuck in my routine.
Never had I thought about it that way, I was stuck in my routine, not clearly controlling it. It was controlling me, grasping me to its depths and pulling me under into its domicile, making me frightened and worried of what would happen if I tried to pull away. Yet what my routine didn’t take into consideration was the fact of other people actions. Dex was not on the bus today; and because my routine never thought maybe someone else may not be there, someone that was important to the everyday doing, my routine lost the battle of wits.
So here I sit, at the coffee shop by my apartment, a warm cup of chai tea in my hands and a half eaten cranberry scone on the table, jazz music playing in the background relaxing my sense, and a handsome young man staring at me fondly, I smile at him. Thank god I broke free from the chains and shackles of routine. Thank god for Dex, because without his lack of presence, the handsome young man wold not be sitting down next to me right now.
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In my opinion, I find the usage of the word "my" in the fourth sentence to be quite repetitious, and this just kind of threw me off~ xD So I would recommend rephrasing such sentences if you find yourself using certain words more often. But, this is just my personal preference~
This is a comma splice, dearie~ You should either use a conjunction/semicolon to combine the two statements, or you can separate them with a period.
Since you said in the previous statement that you rode the bus every day, there is no need to say "every day" in the next sentence (unless you're going for repetition). I would personally change the wording of "gurgles the spit in mouth" to gurgles spit in her mouth, but that's just my preference~ (^-^) You need a comma after "toes", and the final comma before "he isn't too bizarre" makes it a comma splice~ So you should fix that~
The comma after "purrs" is unneeded and makes the sentence incorrect~ You used usually consecutively (which, again, is fine if you wish to sound repetitive). Sorry if this is just me being picky~ xD I would recommend using quotation marks for the "don't worry, old boy" section so it isn't confusing, and you need to place the comma in there like I did~
The first comma is a comma splice, and the second comma is unneeded unless you add a subject in~ Like , and then I stand beside Dex. Otherwise you can just have the compound predicate without the comma~
Add a comma after "sunny"~ I would also change the word "hung" to "clung", as I find that more fitting. But, this is just my personal preference~ xD You totally don't have to change it if you don't wish to~
Every comma in this is a comma splice~ (A comma splice is when a comma is used incorrectly to combine two independent clauses - both could stand alone. You should either use a semicolon, comma and conjunction, or separate them with a period~
Another comma splice, dearie~
Need a comma after "glass."
Comma splice~
Oh my gosh, I love this sentence~ <3
~~
Alright!
Sorry if I seem nit-picky - I tutor role-playing/writing on another site~ xD
I hope this goes over well in your class! Thank you for reading my comments~
--Misti
Every day I catch the bus to work. I always take the same bus, the 332 to the downtown square. My routine never changes. The idea of changing my routine makes my head spin out of my domination, with gusts of dizziness and lack of the power I should be able to grasp over my small fragile life.
I take the bus at the same time every day as well, I leave my apartment at 7:35am and catch the 7:42am bus. On it every day are the same bizarre people: the old woman with the puffy blue coat and round glasses who falls asleep and gurgles spit in mouth, the other the lady with the scarf in her hair who sings opera songs on the bus and stares at my toes, and Dex. Dex always stays standing, and he always has a backpack; he isn’t too bizarre.
The bus stays the same as well; flat velvety seat cushions with colourful dots about them. When the bus stops in front of the coffee shop by my house, it moans and purrs, and usually lets out a loud grunt of weariness. I usually pat the side of the bus as I step on and whisper "Don’t worry old boy." The bus ride is usually about half an hour, I always smile and say good morning to the people I recognise, and then stand beside Dex.
On this particular day, it was sunny yet the frost still hung to the air and the melting snow sloshed under my booted feet. I grabbed a coffee from the little store beside the bus stop and warmed my hands on the tender cup. The bus came on time as always. It didn’t matter what weather conditions, it always came at 7:42am. Today the bus let out a heavy bellow of exhaust, I patted it kindly holding a sling bag on my shoulder with one hand and the cup of coffee in the other.
I followed along with my normal routine, saying good morning to the bus driver, the old lady with the round glass and the middle aged lady with the scarf. I looked at the window where Dex usually stood and noticed his lack of presence. My routine immediately went off course; what was I going to do now? I decided to sit down beside the old lady; she smiled kindly and gazed out the window into her world of the unknown.
The bus stopped with a halt, and I decided to get off, I jumped off, thanking the bus driver. I didn’t have to be at the theater till 11am, but I would always go to work early to help set up for our practices. I finished my coffee as I walked around the block; this was still my neighbourhood so I knew where I was. This was nice. This was different. Never had I thought to do this, and why? Because I was stuck in my routine.
Never had I thought about it that way. I was stuck in my routine, not clearly controlling it. It was controlling me, grasping me to its depths and pulling me under into its domicile, making me frightened and worried of what would happen if I tried to pull away. Yet what my routine didn’t take into consideration was the fact of other people's actions. Dex was not on the bus today; and because my routine never thought maybe someone else may not be there, someone that was important to the everyday doing, my routine lost the battle of wits.
So here I sit, at the coffee shop by my apartment, a warm cup of chai tea in my hands and a half eaten cranberry scone on the table, jazz music playing in the background, relaxing my senses, and a handsome young man staring at me fondly. I smile at him. Thank god I broke free from the chains and shackles of routine. Thank god for Dex, because without his lack of presence, the handsome young man wold not be sitting down next to me right now.
**note: try to keep the work in the past tense. You kind of lost it there in the 6th paragraph. Other than that, beautiful work Brittany