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140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
i cant deside if
" I take the knife
and let it fly
through the tree's
and through the sky." is my favorte part or
"The girl with crystal clear eyes
and a heart that was never wise
Your lover
But never your wife."
I think you have a great poem right here..
Keep on writing
Hi there! First of all, I'd like to counter what Misstoria said about proper punctuation and grammar. These are actually not necessary in poetry. e.e. cummings rarely ever used capitalization, whereas Emily Dickinson capitalized random words in the middle of her sentences. It's all personal preference, and it's called poetic license. (By the way, feel free to make up words as well. I got yelled at for doing so in sixth grade and I replied with a recitation of the first stanza of "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carrol.)
I'm not going to edit all of the minor spelling and grammar errors for you because you would not learn anything this way. Try rereading it and keep in mind that there is an error in the fourth stanza.
I really like the premise of this poem, but I feel like you might be unable to say exactly what you mean because of the rhyme scheme. It feels constricted. Would you ever have written "the one who still has the crown" if you hadn't wanted to rhyme with "and brought it down"? Rhyming is hard. Really, really hard. You might benefit by reading some poems by Walt Whitman, a poet who used free verse. It's okay not to rhyme, and it is far easier to get your point across that way.
Whatever you do, please keep the phrase "vast spirits." It's very pretty and poetic!
This poem is a nice start, and I hope I helped. Keep writing!
I like this piece quite a bit, but like you said it needs some work. First of all you need to realize that poetry, like all other writing requires punctuation and correct capitalization. Your poem would have such better flow if every sentence ended with a period and began with a capitol letter. Other than beginning a sentence do not use capitalization. The ending was fantastic and I loved the topic, title and emotions. A great piece, just edit and keep in mind the rules of grammar.