I don’t love it when you smile,
Your eyes are gone when you do,
Let me see your eyes for a while,
My feeling is a twirling tornado.
--
Having a glimpse of you makes my day,
It cheers me up when I feel down,
But our fate is just astray,
Our destiny is known.
--
Since I met you I don’t know,
My feeling becomes unknown,
I hoped this feeling would be gone,
But the signs make me realize you’re the one.
--
I don’t know whether to trust fate,
Or just let it do its work,
I don’t know if the signs are accurate,
My heart is booming like a firework.
--
The painful truth awakens me,
We’re not yet for each other,
But I won’t be gloomy,
Because I’m hopeful someday we’ll be together.
PS: I am not that creative at the moment. "Sabaw" as what we call it in our Filipino street language. This poem is so shallow, I think. So please bear with me and my "sabaw-ness".I also have a problem with spacing, so I put some bars to separate each set of stanzas. I'm asking for a little help? Hehe.Spacing problem solved with the help of DemonGoddess. Thanks!
PSS: By the way, "Chinito" is what we Filipinos call those Chinese-looking guys because of their eyes. Every time they smile, their eyes disappear, which I really find so cute. ^_^
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of literacy and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. I like all literacy, regardless of what genre or subject it is falls under. I really like your profile picture, by the way! I can not wait to review this piece of art When I review your work, this will become apparent to you. Sorry for the long intro, but it's my first time reading your poetry. Are you ready to start? Let's begin the review!
What I really liked about this poem was the idea of the poet being in love with someone that was not meant for them. Though I am an aromantic person, I do enjoy a good love story that is filled with meaning and expressive words. I am filled with joy at the sight of your creativity when it comes to your poem, and I will like and follow you in order to continue reading your works. One of my favorite lines was "I hoped this feeling would be gone," because ideas like this one seem to be used so much in poetry that it seems almost impossible to distinguish it from another poem. This is a good thing, because it creates a fluent and fast-paced story within the poem itself.
Sorry that my review was so short, but I'm pressed for time at the moment. Keep writing, and remember to have fun doing it! ZeldaIsShiek- Out!
Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.
So, first thing I notice is that a line or two is missing a comma. Those/that line would be "Since I met you I don’t know,". A comma is needed after the word "you". A few places are in need of spelling errors. Those places would be "We’re not yet for each other,". It should be "We are not meant for each other." That would flow much better.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, about how you love some one, the simple and big things. But you know, deep down, that its just not possible. Either its because of religion or something smaller, it kills you to know that it just won't happen.
Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!
Hello WeirdoPotato! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
I don’t love it when you smile,
Keep up the great work!
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Your eyes are gone when you do,
Let me see your eyes for a while,
My feeling is a twirling tornado.
{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}
Having a glimpse of you makes my day,
It cheers me up when I feel down,
But our fate is just astray,
Our destiny is known. {This doesn't flow real well. Add a few words}
{--}
Since I met you I don’t know,
My feeling becomes unknown,
I hoped this feeling would be gone,
But the signs make me realize you’re the one. {You changed the rhyme scheme here randomly...}
{--}
I don’t know whether to trust fate,
Or
I’lljust let it do its work,I don’t know if the signs are accurate, {Accurate and fate don't rhyme}
My {heart} is booming like a firework.
{--}
The painful truth awakens me,
We’re not yet for each other,
But I won’t be gloomy,
Because I’m hopeful someday we’ll be together.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... that's adorable! I am resisting the urge to belt out "What is Love," but that is great.
Other than the occasional flow and grammar issues, this poem is very good! I hope to read more of your works in the future!
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
My soul is lost, okay? HAHA
Anyways, thank you so much for spending some of your time reviewing my work. Yeah, I also noticed those occasional errors. I'm gonna edit this poem. Hehe. And yeah, we have the same thought. I also knew that the flow in some parts was quite --- you know. HAHAHA.
Anyways, thank you so much for your time, Kara. I kinda feel honored because the Demon Goddess reviewed my work like "What the heck?!" ^_^
May the Force of writing always be with you!
My soul is lost, okay? HAHA
Anyways, thank you so much for spending some of your time reviewing my work. Yeah, I also noticed those occasional errors. I'm gonna edit this poem. Hehe. And yeah, we have the same thought. I also knew that the flow in some parts was quite --- you know. HAHAHA.
Anyways, thank you so much for your time, Kara. I kinda feel honored because the Demon Goddess reviewed my work like "What the heck?!" ^_^
May the Force of writing always be with you!
I know.First, let me commend you for including a metaphore and a simile which places this composition in the poetry category and not just prose organised into rhyme and stanzas.
I love those first four powerful lines:
I like your rhyming style. It reminds me of one of my favorite poets, Eily Dickinson. I especially like the line:
"Your eyes are gone whenever you do."
Suggestion: If one word does the work of three or four then it's usually better to use one word for economy of expression. For example
"[Permit] me see your eyes for a while," Notice how one word did the work of two?
Another example: "But our fate [remains] astray,...."
A very enjoyable poem and one that brings back bittersweet memories of the same experience. I imagine that many readers will also identify with it. Thanks for sharing.
Punctuation suggestions:
Your eyes are gone when you do[.]
I don’t know whether to trust fate,
Or allow it do its work[.]
I don’t know if the signs are accurate[.]
The painful truth awakens me[.]
We’re not yet for each other[.]
First of all, thanks for commending my poem. I didn't expect that. Thank you very much for reviewing my work! I've learned new things that will help me a lot. It is, honestly, so overwhelming that my rhyming style reminded you of one of your favorite poets. Take note: A great poet!
So, yeah. Thank you so much for everything you advised to me. Everything will surely help me a lot.
May the Force of writing always be with you!