I woke up with the shadow of light,
It blinds me a bit but I stood up, still.
I walked downstairs and went to the kitchen,
And I saw foods in their good smells.
I ate those and went to the bathroom,
Then I took a bath and chose my outfit that makes me gloom.
And thought of going out to breathe some fresh air
So I can escape the bad atmosphere in my place.
I went to a nearby park
To chill and relax.
Cold winds welcome me like I am their guest,
It feels so home with no mess.
I am sitting on one of the benches there,
When I feel an ambiance I think is rare.
It feels pretty peaceful and relaxing
It feels like I already escape from the boxing ring.
I gazed into the distance,
Thinking about my life in the past.
Reminiscing those memories
That are now resting in peace.
Many thoughts are running in my mind,
But there is this one that keeps running like an athlete.
That is the thought of me being alone.
It’s like a vampire hunting me in the dawn.
I wonder of what I’ve wandered so far,
And realize I am a lonely caterpillar.
A caterpillar that is patiently waiting to be a butterfly,
A caterpillar that never forsake any trials.
I am lonely all along,
Since the day I realized what is wrong.
I have a big circle of friends back then,
But because of realizing it shrinks and made my soul awaken.
I’m a teenager who needs encouragement
To socialize and flee from my bed of roses.
But then, I am used to live within this,
I don’t think I can further change it.
*NOTE: I already submitted this piece to my English teacher and she gave me a perfect score. She was impressed she said. And I hope you also like or love it. Hehe. Sml!*
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,667 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
It's Smartdog90, here to do another review!
Flow: There isn't really a flow in this poem, mostly because it's free verse. Either way the flow is hard to read, I agree with fandomsNmusic when she said "I think that you should have some spacing out. Maybe after every two verses?", it does make more sense, and I think it would look better.
Grammar: There were a few spots here and there that don't make sense;
"It feels pretty peaceful and relaxing
It feels like I already escape from the boxing ring."
maybe change it to "It feels like I already escaped from the boxing ring. Another part that doesn't make sense is:
"I am lonely all along,
Since the day I realized what is wrong."
Instead of I realized what 'is' wrong, it makes more sense as I realized what 'was' wrong. Then the line right after that; "I have a big circle of friends back then," it makes more sense as I 'had' a big circle of friends back then.
Title: I'm a little confused about the title because it doesn't really work for this poem. You did mention being a caterpillar who hasn't become a butterfly, so it makes a little sense, but I still think there could be a better title that suits the whole poem.
Mood: The mood is very relaxing, there are a few parts where I just stopped reading and closed my eyes because the imagery was so peaceful:
"I went to a nearby park
To chill and relax.
Cold winds welcome me like I am their guest,
It feels so home with no mess."
I liked this poem and it helped me relax, so thank you.
This has been smartdog90, #keep on writing!
Thanks a lot for liking and reviewing my piece!
Hehe. Sorry because I didn't spot any errors because when I was making this one, it was like 1 in the morning and I really am sleepy. It just so happened that I had a lot of assignments so I didn't really focus in this. It was like "I don't care; what is important is I have something to submit".
Have a nice day ahead!
Haha. Anyways, thanks a lot for telling me my errors and SPACING is also my problem.
Thanks a lot for liking and reviewing my piece!
Hehe. Sorry because I didn't spot any errors because when I was making this one, it was like 1 in the morning and I really am sleepy. It just so happened that I had a lot of assignments so I didn't really focus in this. It was like "I don't care; what is important is I have something to submit".
Have a nice day ahead!
Haha. Anyways, thanks a lot for telling me my errors and SPACING is also my problem.
Good morning Weirdo.
Usually that is not how I prefer to address people for the first time, but your name forced me to do it
Your story is good. Please do not try to tell me that it is a poem and not a story, because it is both; as are most poems. The second half of it was better though. I really liked this piece, but the beginning was a bit blah. You start off with a list of sorts about beginning your day, and it doesn't make me want to finish it. I almost stopped reading, but then I saw the lines
further down the page, they looked interesting and so I decided to keep reading.
I feel like your poem is fitting to its title in that way. At the beginning, it is just a caterpillar. Not too interesting, just okay. And then it turns into a butterfly, sprouting wings and colors; I actually really liked that. In saying all that, understand that I would not have you change it at all, great job! I don't see any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors, so good that!
I really did like this,
Keep on Writing!
Thanks!!! Hehe yeah I also find the beginning boring. Anyways, thanks a lot for liking it and for the review!
Hello! Fandomsnmusic here to give you a review.
I really, really, really like this! I love the word choice you use, and the little bit of figurative language, and just everything is great! I like the title a lot. I stuck out to me so I decided to check out what this Caterpillar story was! I think this poem can relate to a lot of people.
The only problem I really have with it is very tiny. I think that you should have some spacing out. Maybe after every two verses? That's the only problem I had. It made me a little more reluctant to read it because it's harder to read it when it's all bunched together, but that's my problem!
Other than the spacing, I love everything else. Great work @WeirdoPotato!
Never stop writing!
fandomsnmusic
Yay! Thanks for the review. The spacing is also my problem. Hehe. Ok, I will never stop writing!
Thanks again!