Many people often wonder what is the cause of the rapid moral decline. The cause for the ever falling respect for authority, the elderly, laws, and even oneself. The reason why individuality is an unknown word. Yet the answer is quite clear. It is shown on every television set, radio station, gossip ridden magazines, and websites. Can you guess what it is yet? I'll give you a hint it can be summed up in two words. Still nothing?
Mainstream Multimedia.
It sucks in all who allow it to, and steals their individuality in a second. And for what I ask! To fit in? Have some sort of false hope or happiness? It doesn't make sense to me why people conform and devote themselves to what seems like a false religion. Please forgive my tangent its just hard to see a friend change I guess.
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139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there.
The first paragraph of your report is beautifully well written and sets the bar for what I expect the rest of your work to be pretty high. That's probably the only reason I feel a jot uncomfortable reading your second paragraph. However, I'll move onto that in a minute, because I need to praise you for the brilliance of your opening first. Not only is it an engaging one, but it's also controlled, opinionated and, most importantly, to the point.
The short sentence where you finally reveal to the reader what it is, shows it with a bigger sense of impact and your message retains more clarity, thus we connect with you emotively. However I don't think you offer enough reason why. I know you're not essentially trying to persuade us to have the same opinion as you, but a report may receive more readers with a touch more information.
The second paragraph is good content wise, but lacks technical accuracy in terms of fluency. A few sentences are hard to read such as this:
I'd also rethink punctuation here:
Perhaps don't start it with "And" either?
Just suggestions. Anyway, like the reader above said, your strong sense of opinion that is conveyed in this is excellent. If you could transfer that into writing as a columnist (which I aspire to) I can see you becoming a very, very good writer.
Punctuation nitpick:
This way it reads better, however you could use a semi-colon or a comma for a similar effect.
Hope this helps and keep up the good work!
~Ben
Message me if you have problems or want some Non-Fiction aid!
Hello there
I don't know but this sentence is not right, maybe I'm not reading it correctly.
Anyways, I totally agree with you. This is deep. What you said in the first paragraph is just so true. Some people can really change for all the wrong reasons because of this and it's also a personal experience of mine. You are really passionate about this topic and you could totally be columnist, unless you already are