This is a bit of a edit, well a huge edit. Of a poem I wrote earlier in the week call "No one would care"
Sitting on the floor,
I curled up into a tight ball,
Here is where I sit, crying,
Letting all my tears fall.
I think of all the possibilities,
Of getting rid of this pain,
This hurt, this life,
And yet, everyone still thinks I'm sane.
But I am not sane anymore,
I am dying on the inside,
Losing my mind, day by day,
Even though, I put my feelings aside,
I try to wake up each day,
Happy to be alive,
Even though, I know,
I am only trying to survive.
Would you care?
Look me in the eyes,
And tell me you care,
Tell me you don’t want to say ‘goodbye’
As a goodbye means forever,
Because after I kill myself,
It will be too late,
Please, look after yourself.
I am sorry,
That I will do this to you,
I just want it to go away,
Not to hurt you too.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
This poem brings the s in sad. Seriously, where did you get the motive to do this? I could sense a lot of feeling in it. Its really sad and I can't imagine myself in that persons shoes. It almost brought tears to my eyes as I read. I love it really keep writing. And sorry if i am rambling, I have been known to ramble. Smiles
Heya
Here to review as requested.
Overall
Although this poem was a bit on the cliché side, in my opinion, it was pretty well written. A lot of people might complain about that though, the fact that this is rather cliché, but I don't personally mind it. This poem clearly had a rather dark theme, and I think that you portrayed that quite well. One of the negative things that I noticed about this though was the grammar. From what I gathered, you seem to think that you need a grammar mark at the end of every line, which is completely untrue. I also noticed that you had a capital letter at the beginning of ever line too. That isn't necessary either. Think of the grammar in a poem like the grammar of any other piece of writing. When a sentence finishes, you need a period at the end of it. At the end of a sentence, the next word should have a capital letter at the beginning of it. This is the only time that you need a capital letter, besides a name of a person or a place. Although your grammar could be improved, your spelling was very good.
My main critique is the fact that I'm not feeling many emotions in this. To me, this poem is feeling a bit more literal than anything else. The emotion in a poem is very important. In my opinion, that's what makes a poem. In this, I don't really feel like you have much imagery in this at all. You've told us lots of things, you haven't really shown us many things though. It's a bit of a show and tell conflict, I guess. Navita explained the whole emotion and meaning in a poem to you pretty well, I don't really want to repeat what she's already said. A very good way of showing more emotion in a poem is through imagery, which is something that this poem lacks. By creating imagery, us readers feel more connected to the poem. It makes me feel more connected, anyway. When your readers feel connected to your writing, it shows that you truly can write a very effective piece. I'm not really going to say much more about this; Navita has given you a very good article about emotional poetry, you should definitely check it out. All that you need to do is to take into account what Navita and I have said, read the article, and take into consideration the advice that you've been given. If you do that, the emotion in your poem will definitely improve.
I don't really have much else to say. Anything else that I would say has already been said by other reviewers and there's no point in repeating what has already been said. All that you have to so now is to take a look at what us reviewers have said and edit this piece a bit. In my opinion, your main goal is to create some strong emotion in this. If you do that, you will definitely have a really good piece of writing here!
Keep writing,
xoxo Rhian
Hello there, Lily!
Here to review. (As requested)
There's nothing wrong here but how you want words to rhyme well, you seemed to forced it. The repetition of the word 'care' quite sounds forced to me, personally. And I think how you do it weakens your poem. And as with lines 2 and 4, they rhymed too but I thought it's only applied to line 1 and 2.
Overall: I find this poem dark and a bit emotional but I think it lacks of showing the poem emotionally.I have to agree with Navita. You only tell us how a person hurts you and you want to end it already... something like that. But really, I like this. It's well-written, spelling's good and how you placed punctuations such as commas and periods are in the right place. The flows good too and it attracted me to read the whole poem. So be happy for that!
PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
hello waterlilygirl.
i like the simplicity of the words, the details..if you read it, it wouldn't sound too emotional in any way; it's like you're asking a question to them, something more like a monologue for me.
this line reminds me of the story i am writing! haha.
i like it.
-telle.
Hey Lily!
.
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It's so good to see you taking people's advice into account and giving the poem a makeover. I have to say, the formatting looks much better now that there are no repeated words going vertically down the page. Much more reader-friendly
I respect the idea you're trying to get across here. Even so, it's important to note that poetry is as much about aesthetics as it is about meaning and emotion, and they all complement each other very nicely indeed. Since this is primarily an emotional poem, it might be helpful to note that emotions aren't really concrete, they're not quanitifiable or describable in a concrete manner. The sharpness of words that are purely literal do the emotion no justice at all, since they cannot adequately convey that essence of emotion that makes it emotion. You see where I'm coming from? So...the reader needs imagery to make the emotion accessibly, something to compare the emotion to, to take it out from the narrator's internal perspective and use the external surroundings to strengthen it. At the moment, the poem is very literal, and for me, that takes away from the subtlety, the mysteriousness that you might otherwise get from being more fantastical, more imaginative, more abstract.
So...that's just something to think about, and for a better detailed idea of this, I'd recommend reading this article on Emotional Poetry.
Hope that helps, and once again, great work on revisions! PM me if you would like further advice
Hello there
This is a dark poem. But I like it because it is emotional and I can feel the emotion. I think you did a good job with your word arrangement because I could clearly visualise and understand what was going on as I read. Good job and keep on writing to relieve those problems
Ziggie
I know exactly how that feels, I did that for ages until a few people started seeing me cracking. Well now, lets just say I'm getting help, I find writing helps. Although I write about depressing subjects
Hey Waterlilygirl! This poem stuck out to me in a couple of different ways....the title struck me from past memories and I had to read what you wrote....I picked these parts out because I've felt this way before....hurting on the inside and too afraid to ask for help while everyone doesn't even see what's happening inside....
I used to feel that everyday when the sun rose that I had to put on my cracking mask and pretend to be happy, pretend to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be....Yes, I was only trying to survive and go through the motions, not really caring what happened after that.
Wow, sorry for all that, but I really enjoyed your poem! Keep writing and have fun with it!