Baby, I love you

Well, I wrote this as I saw my friends status on Facebook. Shes just broken up, yet again. And then, I got a urge to write a poem about it :) Here it is, its rough as I wrote it quickly :mrgreen:

Baby, I love you

Baby, it is you,
That’s engraved in my heart
I don’t know what to do,
If you go, leave me forever.

Baby, you’re the reason
Why I wake up each day,
You complete me,
Without you, I’ll fray.

My heart will break,
Into millions of pieces,
Please, baby, don’t make this mistake,
Just don’t leave me.

If you do, I’ll fall,
Never to be able to get back up,
You complete me,
Look at me, close-up.

And tell me,
That you care,
We could be
Together, just don’t leave.

Because, my heart won’t stop,
Beating for you,
I miss you like crazy,
Tell me, you love me too.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Waterlilygirl
Comment

Yeah this was very rough, it isn't my best poem. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to work on it around my homework :smt079 Better get working :smt002

User avatar
wewinwelose
Review

Okay, I really like this poem but the only problem with it is rhythm and rhyming. It seems like every other stanza you attempted at a rhyme, and kinda failed in a couple places. (like back up and close up don't really rhyme, they just both use up).
It's a good first draft, but I would grab a thesaurus and try some rewording to try to get the rhythm to a more smooth beat than it is now.

Good luck!

User avatar
retrodisco666
Comment

It's good but needs work. Like nova said it has very little written.

I think you have the write concept and with a little work, could become a good love type poem.

User avatar
nova
Review
nova wrote a review · Fri Jun 18, 2010 8:21 am

Bonjourno!~

Overlooking your poem its okay, but theres one major issue with it. The whole poem doesn't have a scrap of rhythm, and reading in your head, even out aloud, its rather terrible.

The Sylabbles go...

5, 7, 6, 8
5, 6, 4, 4
5, 8, 8, 4
5, 9, 4, 5
3, 3, 3, 6 stanza flows well.
6, 4, 6, 6 stanza flows aswell.

as you can see, apart from the last two stanzas, they are poorley foundationed to say.

Yet you do deliver a good message with this and comes through, even if it is a bit difficult to pronounce fluently.

Well done, though, so keep on writing and try to improve on the flow of your poems. :lol:

Nova :superman:



'They are afraid of nothing,' I grumbled, watching their approach through the window. 'Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions.'
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights