*Repost Edit* Baby, I love you

Hi, Waterlily!

You are engraved
inside my heart;
where no one else
will be able pull us apart.

The last line is too long for the stanza; it breaks the rhythm. It should also be "will be able to pull us apart", which, of course, is even longer, but it's the grammatically correct way to say it. Since you obviously want to have an undisturbed rhythm, I'd suggest changing it to something like "where no one else/can pull us apart."

You're the reason
Why I wake up each day.
You complete me -
Without you I'll fray.

Here, the rhythm is better, but I think you should take out the "why" on the second line.

So look me in the eyes,
and tell me that you care,
if you leave me, I’ll fall
In the hands of the death chair.

Death chair? Is that like... an electric chair? In any case, this line does very much feel like something that is there just for the rhyme "care-chair". I don't know if it's the truth, but even if it wasn't, I think something should be done to it so it would feel less like it.

Because, my heart won't stop
Beating for you.
I miss you like crazy;
Tell me that you love me too.

Again, the last line is way too long for the rhythm, or alternatively, the second line is too short.


Well, that was the technical stuff. I have to say this poem left me sort of emotionless, because unfortunately this is not very original. I've read the same poem many times before, and I've also said this sentence so many times before I'm getting tired of it myself. However, this is a good try and way better than anything I wrote at 14, I'm sure. But see, there's more to poetry than just getting the rhymes right and snazzy. A lot of the time, poems don't rhyme at all. Then it's all about creating images and using metaphors and that sort of things, which I'm sure you'll get many good examples of when reading some poetry on this site, for example.

Good luck with all your writing!

Demeter
x

Cheers!
You might hear that this is kind of cliche, since 'love theme' is heavily overused lately, though there's that touch of 'yourself' in it and that's what we'll be aiming for =) As I noticed it seems you've rewritten the poem, I took a look at the older version. In all aspects this version seems to be better ^^ Good work.

Now to get the to poem itself. I'll first leave my thoughts on each stanza and then tell my overall opinion.

You are engraved
inside my heart;
where no one else
will be able pull us apart.

- Although this is not really any brand new, cliche, but in the end it's truth, so I just went along saying that. The rhythm there is good, I willingly went ahead to read the next stanza.

You’re the reason
Why I wake up each day,
you complete me,
without you, I’ll fray.

- I had to reread this many times and imagine how it'd sound if there wasn't coma before I'll fray. I think it's not really appropriate there, after tweaking it a bit I came up with this :

You're the reason
Why I wake up each day.
You complete me -
Without you I'll fray.

So look me in the eyes,
and tell me that you care,
if you leave me I’ll fall
Leaving me sitting on this death chair.

- Alright, I ended up editing this too ^^'

So look me in the eyes
And tell me that you care.
If you leave me, I'll fall ( There it evens sounds kind of good if you put a coma before I'll fall and after it. However, even in this case the very last verse doesn't really fit this stanza in terms of rhythm, it just broke it. I tried editing it a bit )
In the hands of a death chair.

Because, my heart won’t stop,
beating for you,
I miss you like crazy;
Tell me, you love me too.

- Hm, I somehow do not feel like this stanza is written really well. No offense, but the rhythm here doesn't just feel right.
As always, I tried editing it to show how I'd see it.

Because, my heart won't stop
Beating for you.
I miss you like crazy;
Tell me that you love me too. ( If you compare your and mine version, I think that I've just fixed the flow of rhythm and made it compatible with how the rhythm was set in the two first stanzas. It's even of the same length. )

Overall

Well, I'd honestly say this is a good work, especially at your age and without really long-term practice at poetry ^^ I think if this was sent to somebody you care about and he'd know you wrote this, it'd have the effect. However, in terms of poetry itself I must say that it lacks the 'unusual'. Even though the idea of death chair was quite interesting, the rest is something I've read and seen countless times, it just feels a bit dull, no offense. However, I know very well it's tough to think of putting something in 'unusual' way, there's always that first factor about rhyming that you have to keep in mind ^^' Though then again, with practice comes experience and experience lets you write really good poems in almost the same amount of time =) All I'll say at the end is that this is quite a good poem and you did a good job rewriting it. Good luck at writing your next poem and don't forget, enjoy writing! That's all there's to it, really. If you enjoy writing, you'll improve drastically if you hang out more at YWS and try to write better each time you post a poem and get it reviewed.

Have a nice day!
Kyou