This is story is rated 18+ for disturbing images, violence and overall creepiness. You have been warned. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Why?”
He sat across from me, looking at me like I was a filthy animal in a cage.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I asked, with a tap of my finger.
The idea of it frightened me. That’s why I was drawn to it. He would be afraid of it too.
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
“Oh, but you know it does,” I said casually. I smiled. He knew.
Once you’ve seen it all, the sight- the smell- the sounds of chaos. It consumes you.
“I’m getting impatient. Now, tell me why.”
The glory of it. The fame. The whole world would remember me. Read my name, hope I didn’t know them. I was known by all, no one else wanted to be known.
“James…” he’s trying to sound pitiful. But he knows what I did. He is happy I will die.
“Don’t call me James.”
It was fun, choosing the people. At first they thought it was random. That doesn’t make you a legend, just another fad. So I had to start choosing.
He comes back into the room. All that interrogation must have been taking its toll. Poor him.
“It was fun. It was the most fun I’ve ever had.”
“What are you talking about?” He slams his hand on the desk, sending a ripple up my spine.
“It was fun…killing your daughter.”
I targeted police officers, firefighters. Anyone who wanted order. I found them and found who they loved. Then I killed them. Slashed their face, cut out their eyes. Carved my sign into their chest.
He stares into my eyes, trying to intimidate me. But all I can concentrate on is the dried blood on his cheek. It looks like a little heart, ready to split in two. I giggle.
After I was done with her, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. She was so delectable, beautiful. Her unmoving body, still glistening with blood. I let my body take control.
One second. One second of silence. Then he lunged at me from across the table, knocking me out of the chair. His fists collide with my face, over and over. Mixed in with my blood, I feel a drop of something else. I moved my dazed eyes up and look at him. I can see tears, dripping out of his eyes like crude leaks in a machine.
I will be so happy when I die. Then, I shall be able to leave, and I will be reborn anew. And all those people I’ve killed will understand, and thank me.
He stops, and slowly stands up. He wishes he was stronger, but I can tell he is shaking, destroyed. Finally. I lick the blood around my lips with delight. He looks at me one last time, then turns away and walks out.
“Goodbye…Dad!” I call out, and start to laugh. I laugh and laugh and laugh. Laughing myself into the next life, where I will be good.
---------------------------
There you go. Hope no one was scared to life by it. And sorry if this seemed to confusing, I was trying to make it seem mysterious.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello Wario! I don’t think we’ve ever met but I’m Lily.
Four little letters can make a big difference, especially here. This tiny prepositional phrase is needed for this sentence to make sense.
Okay, you start this paragraph off with a fragment. This could actually all become one sentence like:
Once you’ve seen it all –the sights, the smells, the sounds of chaos – it consumes you.
It would make more sense this way.
Don’t forget to stay in tense. ‘start’ should be ‘started’ and ‘stares’ should be ‘stared.’
Tenses
Just towards the end, you start to drop out of tense. Be careful about this. The second to last paragraph needs to be gone over as well and changed into past tense.
Setting
The setting is lacking here. I have problems with putting together a setting myself. For some stories, it works and for others it doesn’t. I think setting up this interrogation room early would help set the mood for the story.
Overall
Overall, the story is interesting. It just needs a little bit of fine tuning and shining. Maybe even adding a little extra detail about the man interrogating him would help to add to the sadistic appeal of this story.
Also, I like the title. It’s interesting. But if he doesn’t want to be called James, what does he want to be called.
If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to ask me.
~lilymoore
Wow, I had no idea this would get so many reviews! Thank you all, it helped a lot. I just wrote this one day in math class, and didn't really edit it before I posted, so I will try and make it better.
@Elinor: Sorry, tenses always get me! I'll make sure to try and edit that first.
@maegardens: I'll just keep it 18+, it doesn't seem to be stopping anyone from reading it.
@Insomnia: Your review was really helpful, thanks. The exterior monologues make a lot more sense then what I did, can't believe I didn't think of that.
So I'm off to edit, hopefully this story won't get worse from it.
Hey there, Wario. This was an interesting piece. I'll go straight into my nit picks and get to some broader stuff later.
From the very beginning, you've established a very cliched character. We've seen this kind of portrayal a million times before on TV, in novels, in movies. It's easy to follow the conventions of the genre, which you've done here, but the hard thing is coming up with a criminal who amounts to more than his crimes, who seems like a genuine person. I'll admit that you've set it up as an interesting character, but you don't manage to go beyond the idea that this man is anything beyond a criminal.
"He's" should probably be a capital here, as it's technically the start of a new sentence.
This should come across as shocking, but instead it reads as exposition and a reveal. It is a reveal within the story, but the way you've set it up is very obvious and the dialogue seems unrealistic because of it.
To be honest, I don't like the bits in italics. The content is interesting for the implications it has character-wise, but the execution feels a bit amateurish. I may have this wrong, but the character is being interrogated, right? Then why don't you allow some of these things to come out organically? It would be a lot creepier if he was actually spouting these things off during an interrogation, knowing there's a camera watching. Maybe he could even turn and talk to the camera, as if he's putting on a show. What you've portrayed of the character makes him seem like an exhibitionist, and he would probably take a lot of pleasure in turning to the camera and telling the people watching about himself.
I like what you've left in plain sight, but still unsaid here. It's a nice little display of self-restraint, and an interesting character flourish.
I think a more emotive word than "collide" would better express your intention here. Perhaps, "His fists pummel my face." Something more expressive than "collide," anyway.
I like how the character also seeps into the techniques you use. Here we can see his contempt for other people, and it's quite interesting.
Like the other reveal, I don't think this is very effective. It's not shocking enough. I think you could fix these problems by making a lot of the interior monologues exterior. The conversation would build in tension and the reveals would genuinely come as surprising.
They're all my nitpicks. I think all of the broader things I have to say are covered in them, but I'll go over them anyway. xD I think you should base this in dialogue a lot more. I quite like that there's minimal description. We've all seen how interrogation rooms look on TV, right? Not too interesting. It's good that you focus on the character, but unless you play around with the dialogue and other aspects, he'll still just be a generic criminal.
One thing that I think is interesting here is the vagueness you've tried to employ. You have noble intentions, but ultimately I think it's an interesting failure. The sense of vagueness about who these people are ends up making everything that comes before limited. The story becomes entirely about the twists you've put within, and moves away from the characters. I think making things a little clearer to your readers sooner would help the story out a lot.
Overall, you have a lot of interesting character flourishes and other things which are hamstrung by your need to have twists and mystery. Remember that twists should always take a backseat to - and be driven by - logical character progression. If something comes out of nowhere and seems to have no basis, we won't buy it as readers. So I think you could benefit from placing less emphasis on your twists, as you seem to have some interesting thoughts about the character you've created. I do want to know more about him, so you've done a good job.
If I've said anything that's unclear, just send me a PM and I'll be glad to help you out. I hope this review has something useful in it for you. Nice work.
-Mat
Hey Wariofart (Great name!),
. Wow, this was really good. But it was kind of hard to understand at some points when James, or whomever the character is, was thinking. Sometimes I felt like there was a veil, not allowing me to go deeper into the story and understand just a bit more of why he was killing people, and his logic to it. I know you're trying to make it mysterious, but maybe try to offer some more information so it's still mysterious and not non understanding. I really hope you continue with this story, because you left it at such a great cliffhanger, it makes me miserable to know that this is a short story. I LOVED how you find at the end that the man James was talking to was his father! And, as many other reviewers have already said, maybe give some background to James? Just to show what inspired him to kill, if it was a bad experience or abusing. Something had to inspire him, right? Or maybe it was pure desire and craziness. These are things people may want to know, so maybe you could sneak them in there somehow. I don't know, do what you'd prefer with this wonderful piece, I just want to read more of it! KEEP IT UP! -maegardens
I don't think it should be rated 18 and up, first of all. But then again, that may just be me
This had a really great flow, and there aren't any grammer mistakes or typos that I see (gaureented, I'm writing this at midnight by the light of my laptop screen, but still). Your plot was compelling and well-paced.
I will agree with others, however, who say there isn't enough background. Maybe just a little more on James, like his thoughts about the beginnings of his "career", how he was captured, etc? Perhaps you could intersperse flashbacks with the current time period in order to show both James' life and the tension in the current time.
Also, i would like to see the slow escalation of the dad's anger, and how he tries to control it. You have excellent points with the blood and tears--work in more of that type of imagery.
I really don't have much to say about this. It was very good. Really, though, it doesn't have to be 18+; it really isn't that graphic or disturbing.
Hiya,
I will say that this is definitely an interesting and exciting piece. I loved the style that you were aiming for with this piece, and I think it was definitely chilling-but there were a few things that bothered me. Firstly, you're switching your tenses like crazy throughout this piece. At first it starts evenly in past, then you switch to present, then the next thing we know we're right back to past. Always make sure you have a tense you're intending to write in instead of just writing; that makes things a lot more focused. Also, proofreading before you post is always good, that way you'll be able to catch any inconsistencies.
Secondly, the pacing was too quick. Once you introduce a plot point, you simply move on right to to the next without giving us any real time to absorb what the characters are going through. Who is the person James is talking to do? A cop? A former friend? Why did James' daughter have to die? If the person he is talking to is the criminal, why is James looked upon as crazy?
Now, I understand what you're trying to do and I appreciate it a lot. It's what adds the chill to the story, definitely. But it wouldn't hurt if you tried to draw this out a little bit more and gave us a little more insight into the characters. Right now I can tell there's this underlying tension between the two characters that I can't fully understand. I don't know any past history between them, nothing. If you don't want to disperse these details, what you can do is hint at it. Maybe, several possibilities could be discussed as to why the daughter died, but one is never really grounded upon. That would leave it up to interpretation, and I always like those kinds of stories. A good example of this technique The Birds, which is an Alfred Hitchcock film. When the birds attack, no reason is given, but several are given to the audience.
Once you figure out your characters as well as motives, I think the rest of this story will fall into place. Good luck revising, and PM me if you need anything further.
-Elinor x
It's a nice idea, but I think this can be developed way more. You need a background, and you need more description and imagery.
It is a bit too confusing in the beginning. It's good to be vague, but too much vagueness and for too long kind of takes away from the mysterious tone you're trying to create.
Flesh it out a bit. I think it's got potential.
This story reminds me of the murdering cult started by Charles Manson. I wish you would have provided some background of how James went crazy and got the idea to start murdering people. I think it was interesting and captivating because most people that write violent stories don't do it from the murders point of view. I think that you could turn this idea into a novel. Keep writing. Fiction
Well, at first it was a little confusing, just because it was a lot of dialogue and you didn't really have time to get a hold of who these people were and where they were, but it didn't really take long to figure out that this was a killer obviously. I think this was a clever idea, my real suggestion would be to give us more detail, more dimension to feed off of. I think some slight foreshadowing could also make this a really awesome story, to give us a hint while also keeping the ending a surprise. But I think this is pretty good as is, and tweaking it over time would be the number-one benefit.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver