Neil shut the door, his hand firm on the doorknob but his chest shaking. Shut, and then he was alone in his apartment. It was quiet then, the quietest he could remember it being. He walked over to the bathroom, turned on the sink, and felt the cold water fall over his hands. He washed his hands until they were clean, clean of their last handshake goodbye. It was such a formal way to end it. "Good doing business with you."
He left the water running and looked at his face, and every time Adam's lips had touched his flashed through his head. The water was the only sound in the apartment, and it was crisp and unrelenting. He turned the water off. He'd wash his face later. It was going to take a long time to clean it off.
Neil walked through the empty apartment, the only sound being his uniform footsteps. When it was him and Adam, their joined footsteps made music on the floor, a drum beat, a beat you could dance to. When it was him and Adam, the bed he laid himself down in was just the right size of too small. When it was him and Adam, there was yelling and screaming but it was never quiet. Neil looked over at his bedside table at thecandlethey would light together, its wax a dried volcano. He lit thecandle, turned off the lights and watched it glow until he fell asleep.
In the middle of the night thecandlestill burned and Neil awoke to its flame. The only light anywhere came from thecandle. It danced and it burned in front of Neil's eyes. Neil leaned towards thecandle, feeling its heat radiate towards his hands. If he moved his fingers just one inch closer, it'd burn them. So he took a breath, and blew out thecandle. The room fell to dark. Neil felt the burning, the heat, the light leave his room, making it dark, quiet.
And he thought he liked it better that way.
I enjoyed this story very much. It made me feel melancholic for some reason. Very well written, but I must agree that the ending with the canfle seemed to stretch out for too long. What I loved about this though was the fact that you had gay characters. It is the first time I got to read someone's short story involving homosexuality. It's refreshing. Thank you and keep writing!
And really, you're first short story you've read involving gay people? I'm glad you got a good first impression, but it's sad that no one seems to be writing stories like this. In a lot of stories there's no reason not to make a character gay, but it seems like nearly all writers won't include it unless the story requires someone who's LGBT. Anyway, this became ranty, so: thanks again and I'll work on that ending!I have to be honest this could of been alot better. If you simply made it so that your readers could picture whats happening in their head. When I read this it sounds as if it is a long poem, and not a short story. So there are a few things you could work on.
Hi there, Wariofart. I don't believe we've met. It's nice to meet you.
This is quite well written. I like the simple epiphany at the end, and the way you used symbolism to get your point across. Nice. Your imagery is pretty good, too.
There are a few things that I'd like to address to make this piece even better.
Shut, and then he was alone in his apartment.
He walked over to the bathroom, turned on the sink,
they were clean, clean of their
I don't know why, but I found it exceedingly difficult to read this sentence. I think it's a little awkwardly worded, and it needs to be redone. Perhaps reorganize it like this: "He left the water running and stared at his reflection as he remembered every time that Adam's lips had touched his."He left the water running and looked at his face, and every time Adam's lips had touched his flashed through his head.
This sentence could be rearranged to be in a more active voice. It's not exactly in passive voice, but both verbs in the sentence are "was." Use more active verbs to make this sentence more interesting. This goes for your whole piece, really. Let me show you.The water was the only sound in the apartment, and it was crisp and unrelenting.
The car was zooming around the corner as the cops were chasing after it.
The car zoomed around the corner as the cops chased after it, lights flashing red.
The crisp, unrelenting sound of water splashing into the basin echoed throughout the apartment.
It was going to take a long time to clean it off.
Neil walked through the empty apartment, the only sound being his uniform footsteps.
You really like repeating the same word right next to each other, don't you? Again, it's doing nothing to help this piece, really.When it was him and Adam, their joined footsteps made music on the floor, a drum beat, a beat you could dance to.
When it was him and Adam, the bed he laid himself down in was just the right size of too small.
You need some commas in here. Try this:In the middle of the night thecandlestill burned and Neil awoke to its flame.
In the middle of the night, the candle still burned, and Neil awoke to the flame.
The only light anywhere came from thecandle. It danced and it burned in front of Neil's eyes. Neil leaned towards thecandle, feeling its heat radiate towards his hands. If he moved his fingers just one inch closer, it'd burn them. So he took a breath, and blew out thecandle. The room fell to dark.
I really love the way you progressed the story from the beginning up until the start of the end. You had a very strong start, a solid middle, and a shaky end. But with a little bit of rewriting it can be fixed. Did you mean to put thecandle as one word, along with thecandlestill? Because when you first read over it, it may be a little confusing to the reader. But that's an easy fix if you didn't mean to put it like that.
Now with the end, I think it can be fixed with a little more detail and descriptions. The end did seem rushed a little bit, as if you were hurrying to get it done. It kinda of through off a very good start.
Overall though, it's solid work that could use a few tune ups.
First the good part:
The progression is good.
"Neil walked through the empty apartment, the only sound being his uniform footsteps. When it was him and Adam, their joined footsteps made music on the floor, a drum beat, a beat you could dance to."
Lines like these show you have ability.
"He washed his hands until they were clean, clean of their last handshake goodbye. It was such a formal way to end it. "Good doing business with you."
Now the bad:
The part with the candle felt stretched.
Its ending was very weak.
You will have to work on the structure.
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