Neil shut the door, his hand firm on the doorknob but his chest shaking. Shut, and then he was alone in his apartment. It was quiet then, the quietest he could remember it being. He walked over to the bathroom, turned on the sink, and felt the cold water fall over his hands. He washed his hands until they were clean, clean of their last handshake goodbye. It was such a formal way to end it. "Good doing business with you."
He left the water running and looked at his face, and every time Adam's lips had touched his flashed through his head. The water was the only sound in the apartment, and it was crisp and unrelenting. He turned the water off. He'd wash his face later. It was going to take a long time to clean it off.
Neil walked through the empty apartment, the only sound being his uniform footsteps. When it was him and Adam, their joined footsteps made music on the floor, a drum beat, a beat you could dance to. When it was him and Adam, the bed he laid himself down in was just the right size of too small. When it was him and Adam, there was yelling and screaming but it was never quiet. Neil looked over at his bedside table at the candle they would light together, its wax a dried volcano. He lit the candle, turned off the lights and watched it glow until he fell asleep.
In the middle of the night the candle still burned and Neil awoke to its flame. The only light anywhere came from the candle. It danced and it burned in front of Neil's eyes. Neil leaned towards the candle, feeling its heat radiate towards his hands. If he moved his fingers just one inch closer, it'd burn them. So he took a breath, and blew out the candle. The room fell to dark. Neil felt the burning, the heat, the light leave his room, making it dark, quiet.
And he thought he liked it better that way.
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
I enjoyed this story very much. It made me feel melancholic for some reason. Very well written, but I must agree that the ending with the canfle seemed to stretch out for too long. What I loved about this though was the fact that you had gay characters. It is the first time I got to read someone's short story involving homosexuality. It's refreshing. Thank you and keep writing!
Thanks for the review and comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it and felt something, that's the reason why I write.
And really, you're first short story you've read involving gay people? I'm glad you got a good first impression, but it's sad that no one seems to be writing stories like this. In a lot of stories there's no reason not to make a character gay, but it seems like nearly all writers won't include it unless the story requires someone who's LGBT. Anyway, this became ranty, so: thanks again and I'll work on that ending!
I have to be honest this could of been alot better. If you simply made it so that your readers could picture whats happening in their head. When I read this it sounds as if it is a long poem, and not a short story. So there are a few things you could work on.
Hi there, Wariofart. I don't believe we've met. It's nice to meet you.
This is quite well written. I like the simple epiphany at the end, and the way you used symbolism to get your point across. Nice. Your imagery is pretty good, too.
There are a few things that I'd like to address to make this piece even better.
I feel like the "shut" at the beginning was a little awkward. I would also not tell the audience what's happening as much as show them. "He was alone" is telling. "He sighed into the silence of the apartment" lets readers infer that he's alone, rather than telling us. That would also take away the need for the next sentence, which is also a little tell-y.
I'm going to be very nitpicky for a moment, so bear with me. Don't say "over" here. It's not specific enough to be considered descriptive, and it just adds an unneeded word. You shouldn't really have any unneeded words. So take that out. The sentence makes perfect sense without it.
I don't understand the reason you use those two cleans in there. It makes sense, but it isn't cutting it for me. It feels like it's trying to be dramatic. You don't want that. Instead of drama, you want clean, concise wording. Like the end of their relationship.
I don't know why, but I found it exceedingly difficult to read this sentence. I think it's a little awkwardly worded, and it needs to be redone. Perhaps reorganize it like this: "He left the water running and stared at his reflection as he remembered every time that Adam's lips had touched his."
This sentence could be rearranged to be in a more active voice. It's not exactly in passive voice, but both verbs in the sentence are "was." Use more active verbs to make this sentence more interesting. This goes for your whole piece, really. Let me show you.
That's an okay sentence. But if you put it into past tense instead of past progressive, the sentence is more concise and more interesting.
So the sentence that you wrote might go something like this (I've rearranged it a little, too)
I feel like you're trying to imply something here, but the hint was too subtle. I want to know why it's going to take a long time to clean it off. Is he wearing stage makeup? Did he get beat up so now he's covered in blood? I don't know.
The second part of the sentence isn't doing it for me. I think you should rearrange this sentence a bit. Perhaps do this:
"Neil's even footsteps sounded cold on the wood floor." (I also wasn't a fan of your use of "uniform," though that's personal preference)
You really like repeating the same word right next to each other, don't you? Again, it's doing nothing to help this piece, really.
Also, avoid starting sentences with "When it was." Perhaps you can say "When Adam lived here..." Omit "joined," too. It makes me think of three legged races.
I like this concept. "the right size of too small" is great. The rest of the sentence is a little awkward, though. Try this: "When Adam lived here, the bed was just the right size of too small." "He laid himself down in" is unneeded. And awkward.
You need some commas in here. Try this:
This part feels more disjointed than the rest of the piece. I'd think about rewriting it so it's not in so many little sections. I might write it like this:
"The candle was the only light in the room, and it illuminated a small circle around the bedside table. Neil reached towards the candle and smiled as he flirted with the flame, daring it to singe his fingertips. He took a breath and blew out the candle, the room falling into darkness."
I really like the ending, and the symbolism of the candle, as I mentioned before. Nice job. Just polish it up and it'll be really good. I hope that this review was useful to you. Happy writing!
Thanks for writing such a detailed review! I'll definitely consider all your suggestions.
I really love the way you progressed the story from the beginning up until the start of the end. You had a very strong start, a solid middle, and a shaky end. But with a little bit of rewriting it can be fixed. Did you mean to put thecandle as one word, along with thecandlestill? Because when you first read over it, it may be a little confusing to the reader. But that's an easy fix if you didn't mean to put it like that.
Now with the end, I think it can be fixed with a little more detail and descriptions. The end did seem rushed a little bit, as if you were hurrying to get it done. It kinda of through off a very good start.
Overall though, it's solid work that could use a few tune ups.
Thanks! And no, that much have been a weird typing error, I'll try editing it. As for the end, this was written as an English assignment, so I may have rushed!
First the good part:
The progression is good.
"Neil walked through the empty apartment, the only sound being his uniform footsteps. When it was him and Adam, their joined footsteps made music on the floor, a drum beat, a beat you could dance to."
Lines like these show you have ability.
"He washed his hands until they were clean, clean of their last handshake goodbye. It was such a formal way to end it. "Good doing business with you."
Now the bad:
The part with the candle felt stretched.
Its ending was very weak.
You will have to work on the structure.
Thanks for the review. I think it was very valid, and I'll try and re-do that ending as reading it back I can see what you're saying.