In such a cruel world it would be easy for a woman to become hard. To
grow teeth and talons. To spit venom to protect herself. It would be
so easy to become the very monster that broke her. It is much harder
to know the ugliness of the world and still choose to see the
beautiful, harder still to be soft when that very vulnerability got
you hurt. So become hard. Grow a tougher skin if that is what you
need to feel safe, what you need to survive.
But,
my dear, please hear me when I say this. Do not let this event keep
you from being the kind person you were before the pain of the world
broke you. Be kind. Let yourself be soft with those you trust, so to
the point that they marvel at your strength. And if anyone ever
forgets the pain from which that kindness came from, or mistakes your
softness for weakness, then you awaken that ugly demon borne of agony
within and you and you show them what hell looks like when it wears
face of a gentle woman. For it takes far more courage to be soft, to
be vulnerable - in essence to be human - than it does to become a
monster made of stone.
For
at the end of the day they can take your body, but they can never
take your power from you.
***
The orange glow of
the lamplight barely stretches into the alleyway, making the passage
dark as pitch. As she crosses the threshold of light Lexi becomes
nothing more than a shadow, enveloped by the darkness. There is a
comfort that comes from that dark, that comes with knowing she cannot
be seen, but also a fear of what may be lurking in the shadows.
Mist
rolls off the damp ground. Puddles form in the cracks of the asphalt
and water flows like a river down the gutters from a rain that has
refused to cease for the last day. Lexi holds her umbrella low,
hiding her features. Her converse are soaked through, the canvas
material having provided little protection from the water. She can
hear them squelch every time she takes a step. As she continues her
foot lands in a puddle and the water splashes up onto her already
drenched legs. Lexi swears under her breath. The cold is beginning to
set in so she hugs her arms tighter around herself in an effort to
hold in the heat.
As
Lexi plunges into the black of the alley, she peeks over her shoulder
again. Nothing. She forces herself to release the breath she’s
been holding since the grocery store and continues on her way. She
moves from alley to alley, zig-zagging through the streets, keeping
out of the light, and checking that the way is clear at every corner.
As she approaches her final destination she feels herself become more
cautious. This is the most dangerous part, they had told her. This
moment just before safety, is where people slip up. She pauses before
the end of the last alleyway and checks that the street before her is
clear of all persons. She checks for shadows waiting in the lobby and
then glances behind her to make sure her phantom pursuer is simply a
figment of her imagination.
After
she has checked, checked again, and checked a third time for safety
she hurries across the road and into the rundown apartment building.
Lexi hustles up a flight of stairs and to her unmarked door. It takes
two tries to get her key in the door because of her shaking hands,
though she can’t tell whether the tremors are from the cold that
has seeped into her bones or from the fright that caused her to hurry
home. As soon as the door opens she rushes in, quickly closes it
behind her, flips the lock, slides the two deadbolts home and hooks
the chain for good measure. Lexi leans her forehead against the door
as she takes three grounding breaths and tells herself that she is
safe. She glides into her kitchen, flicking on the lightswitch, and
dumping her groceries on the table. The light flickers twice and then
off with a clap of thunder. She huffs, pulling out her phone and
using the light to find the matches in her kitchen drawer. Lexi
lights a few candles before she takes out her phone again and shoots
off a text, ‘Call me when you get a chance. I think I saw him
today.' Once her living room is passably lit she pads into her
room, plugs in her phone and shucks off her damp clothes. She leaves
them in a heep on the floor and pulls on some sweats, relishing the
feeling of their dryness and warmth.
Lexi
snags a pack of smokes from her dresser and goes to sit on the window
sill in her living room. She slides open the window and lights her
cigarette, enjoying the burn of the smoke as she takes a drag. The
pitter-patter of rain on the fire escape lulls her into calm as she
gazes at the cloudy night sky. Lightning flashes, dancing across the
sky, cutting a violent line through the clouds. She wonders why the
most beautiful things are also usually the most dangerous. The sudden
blare of her ringtone breaks the quiet and pulls her from her
reprieve. She blots up from her perch, quickly putting out her smoke
and dashes to her room to grab her phone. ‘Sargent García’ fills
the screen and Lexi quickly answers.
“Hey
Lex,” a gruff yet feminine voice on the other line starts, “So
you saw him?”
“Ya,”
Lexi replies, “or at least I think so. I was at the grocery store
paying. I panicked and ran home.”
“You
sure it was him?” Sargent García asks.
“Pretty
sure. I weaved through the streets like you said just in case he
followed me, but...” Lexi falters.
“What?”
she asked
“I
just… I wish this would end Mona. I mean I moved because of this
guy and when I tried to get help you guys couldn't do anything but
give me some evasive techniques. It’s not fair. I’m tired of
being scared to live.” Lexi mumbled.
“I
know. I’m sorry. The system is what it is though. The police, we,
can’t do anything about stalkers until a physical threat is made.
It’s so wrong to me but I can’t help procedure,” García says.
“I
know, I know. Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. You’ve
been there for me anyway,” Lexi smiles despite herself. She’s
glad she managed to make a friend from the only cop that was kind to
her in this shitty situation.
“Ya
well, us girls gotta stick together right? How about I swing by and
check on you when I get off? I can be there in like an hour and a
half,” García offers.
“That
would be great. And bring wine! Oh and lightbulbs too!” Lexi
commands.
García
laughs on the other end. “Fine,” she promises, “see you then.”
“See
yaaaaa,” Lexi chimes. The call ends and Lexi flits out to the
kitchen to unpack her groceries, feeling a little lighter than she
had before. She spies the window she was smoking out of still open
and rushes to shut it from the rain dripping inside. As she turns
back toward the kitchen she freezes.
Lightning
flashes outside the window behind her, illuminating the watery
footprints on the ground and the towering man they lead to. Tightness
windes in her chest as fear boils over, pumping through her veins.
Lexi recognizes him, he’s the same man she saw at the store. The
same one she moved to escape the attentions of. There’s something
wild in his eyes. The frenzied look of a starved shark that’s
cornered its prey.
Lexi
wills herself to move. To run or scream. To do anything other then
stand there. But it’s like time is slowed. All she can hear is her
increasingly rapid breaths and the beating of the rain outside.
Lightning flashes again and he takes a step toward her. Time snaps
back into place and she’s running for her room before she even
knows she’s moving. Lexi can hear his heavy footfalls behind her
but refuses to look back as she slams the door closed behind her,
throwing her weight against it as she flips the lock. Immediately
after there’s a slam against the door. The doorknob jiggles
violently and a growl erupts from the other side. Lexi backs away as
an assault of pounding and thuds rattles the door on its hinges.
Lexi
grabs her phone off the bed dialling for García. Before the call
connects the door bursts open and she screams as she is knocked to
the ground. The phone escapes her grasp sliding under the bed. Harsh
hands fall on her body ripping at her clothes and she feels herself
freeze again.
Everything
goes numb and all she can do is stare at the place where her phone
landed, just out of reach, as tears pour from her eyes. The phone
rings out with an accompaniment of whimpers.
***
Ramona
García saunters up the steps of the decrepit apartment building,
plastic bag of wine and lightbulbs swinging on her arm. She’d
missed a call from Lexi earlier, but she’d been away from her phone
at work. Besides, she tells herself as she double checks her
messages, if its been important she would have texted me too.
She cringes at the smell of mildew that began its assault on her
nostrils as soon as she entered the lobby. She hates this place. The
building is barely livable and in a shitty neighborhood. But she’s
at least glad that Lexi’s safer here.
She
remembers first meeting Lexi. Skin golden as if it had been kissed by
the sun, long silky chestnut hair and striking green eyes filled with
worry. She was at the station, speaking to Mona’s partner Ambrose.
Ambrose is a pick. He never cared much for having a female partner
and did not give a shit that this girl was terrified and needed help.
Mona caught herself up on the case quickly. Someone had been leaving
her notes under her apartment door. No stamps, she noted as
she fliped one over, so they weren't mailed. They weren’t
explicitly menacing or violent but certainly indicated that he had
been following her. Mona offered to buy the girl a coffee and talk
her through what she should do. It started out like that. Coffees and
concerns, but soon their coffee dates were just them sharing their
days with each other. Ramona didn't have many friends and she figured
Lexi didn't either, but soon they felt like they had each other.
Ramona had been the one to suggest she move. Somewhere between coffee
and packing up cardboard boxes her feelings about the girl had gotten
more complicated. She still wasn’t sure what she felt. She only
knew that every time Lexi called or texted her, she couldn’t help
the smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth.
Mona
shakes the memories from her mind, a smile playing at her lips. She
makes it to the first floor landing and every muscle in her body goes
rigid the second she sees the door hanging open. She feels herself
going for the gun still strapped to her hip as her mind races as to
why it would be open. Lexi never keeps the door open. She silently
sets her plastic bag outside the door.
Every
sense of hers is on high alert as she enters the apartment. Mona
notes that the lights are out and pulls the flashlight from her belt.
There’s a trail of watery footprints coming from the window. Too
big to be Lexi’s. Mona stomach plummets, nausea and dread
setting in. She clears the living room and kitchen quickly, heart
sinking in the silence. She moves toward the bedroom. The frame of
the door is broken, wood splintered around the lock. She can hear the
blood pounding in her ears as she crosses the threshold of the door.
The room, at first glance, looks as empty and still as the rest of
the apartment, but something in the energy of the place is off. The
mess of clothes on the floor is mixed with a few nicknacks that fell
off the dresser. A picture frame sits in a pile of shattered glass,
winking at her in the light of her flashlight. Around the other side
of the bed, she spies the top of a chestnut head.
Mona
slowly makes her way around the edge of the bed and as her eyes land
on Lexi, huddled in the corner between the bed and the wall, her
breath hitches and she can feel her heart breaking. Lexi’s legs,
tucked to her chest, are peppered with bleeding scratches. The
glass. Her arms, a warzone of bruises, clutch her legs tightly as
she stares toward Mona. Lexi’s eyes are on her but seem unfocused,
like she’s looking through her. Mona reholsters her gun and moves
toward her, hands outstretched, ready to help her friend up. Lexi’s
eyes snap back into focus immediately, terror seeping into the
corners, as she flinches away. What few pieces of Mona’s shattered
heart remained turn to dust at that flinch. She pulls her hands back
and slowly kneels in front of her. “It’s ok Lex, it’s me,”
she soothes. Lexi looks at Mona, perhaps for the first time, and
tears pool and spill from her eyes once their gazes meet. “I’m
gonna call an ambulance ok?” Lexi dips her head in what may be a
nod so Mona takes out her phone and opens up her calls. The red text
of her most recent missed call gleams on the screen before she dials.
At the sight of that red Mona swears justice, or even vengeance, to
every god that will hear her plea.
***
“Lex,
please. Please call me back… I know… no. I have no clue what
you’re feeling right now, but… I want to. Look, I get that you
don’t want to talk about it,” Lexi can hear Mona sigh, “If you
come by the station, though, you can help us catch him. Please just…
please think about it.” The message cuts out.
Lexi
stares at her phone. A crack formed in her walls with that message.
Before she can talk herself out of it, she deletes the message from
her phone, promptly taking another swig from a bottle of brown
liquid. Lexi glances at her bedroom door, and takes another swig. The
alcohol fills the cracks like cement, fortfing the walls she’s
erected in her chest. She sets the bottle within easy reach on the
floor and curls up on the couch. She stares at the shadows on the
ceiling. Expecting another sleepless night, she swears she feels the
couch dip next to her as anxiety come to keep her company.
***
An
unending pounding at the door wakes Lexi from a fitful sleep. Her
heart shoots into her throat. For a moment she can feel herself
freeze again. All she can think of is a different day and a different
door. This is it, she thinks, He’s come to finish me off.
No one has come by her apartment in weeks. She can’t even
remember the last time that she checked her phone. The fear expands
in her chest like a balloon, on the verge of popping.
“Lex!”
Mona calls from the other side of the door, “I know you’re in
there!”
Lexi
feels the balloon quickly deflate and sags against the couch in
relief. Annoyance prickles at her spine quickly. She doesn’t want
to see her. She thought she’d made that clear. “Go away,” she
moans as she raises from her place on the couch and starts collecting
the empty bottles around the room.
“Lex
please. I just want to help.” Mona says, her voice sounding
suddenly small from the hallway. That’s the last straw for her.
Anger flashes in Lexi’s eyes, white hot and blinding. She storms
toward the door, rage roiling off her in almost palpable waves. She
throws the door open with such force Mona takes a step back.
“You
want to help? Really? Now? If you really wanted to help you should
have picked up when I actually needed you,” Venom drips from every
word she spits. She watches as Mona’s face falls. For a moment Lexi
feels a twinge of regret at her words but she shoves that down and
buries it in the graveyard of her other emotions.
“Lexi…
I’m so sorry didn’t pick up that night.” Mona takes a step
toward her. She reaches up and gently brushes away tears that Lexi
hadn’t even realized had started flowing. “Please. Please don’t
shut me out.” A sob bubbles from Lexi’s chest and she can’t
help sagging a bit into Mona’s grasp as the other woman’s arms
circle around her.
“I’m
so sorry” she sobs, “I don’t know how to do this anymore.”
“Do
what?” Mona asks softly.
“Live.”
she replies simply. They stay for a while like that, wrapped up in
each other's embrace in the doorway of Lexi’s apartment.
“Lex,”
Mona starts breaking the embrace. She hesitates a moment before
continuing, “I think I got him. He’s down at the station. You
just need to ID him and then we can get a subpoena for DNA.” Lexi’s
breath hitches as she stumbles back from Mona’s grasp. Her mind
reels a thousand kilometers a minute. Every instinct she’s ever had
screams at her to run. To flee. To hop a bus or take a plane and
disappear into some far off cave in Greece. But she looks at the
hope, the fortitude of the woman in front of her. Lexi lets a little
of her light leak through the cracks of her heart. Just enough to
give her the strength to stand on solid legs and say ‘enough.’
***
“Number
five please step forward,” An officer says into the mic. A man with
familiar cruel blue eyes steps forward. Lexi sucks in a breath and
her panicked eyes find Mona’s as they stand on opposite side of the
one way glass as the man.
She
nods, “That’s him.”
***
“Deep
breath first. In. Out. You are not there. You are here. Be here with
me. You are safe. Just be here.” Officer Lexi Gorganus smiles
softly and gives the woman’s hand a light squeeze. The constant din
of hospital noise buzzes around them outside of the privacy curtains
of the exam room.
“I
want you to know that I know how you feel. I have been where you are.
I know that you must be feeling a mix of things. Can you walk me
through what happened?” She asks. She listens intently to the
woman’s story. A dull pain pulses in her chest as she fills out
the report and prods for specific details. This is the hardest part
for her. Listening to stories that are all too familiar. Stories so
drenched in pain, which often conjure memories she had once tired to
block.
Lexi
takes a deep breath in through her nose as the woman finishes with
her last detail and she offers the her a kind smile. “You will
get through this,” she promises, “take your time. It won’t get
easier all at once, but if you lean on those that are there for you,
they’ll help you share the weight.”
Lexi
finishes her report and exits the hospital. She feels off, her
resolve shaken by seeing someone who must have looked just like she
had. She sucks in the cold night air outside, and stares up at the
twinkling night sky. Despite the difficult parts of her job she
couldn't help the pride that swelled in her chest when she knew she was
helping others. Perhaps her curse was more of a blessing.
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