Published May 25, 2013
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137,703 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Oh!
I like this, and the name....
Maybe some commas?
I like the first stanza, higher then the skies....
"six in the AM" might sound better, "Six in the morning." as we know AM is morning...
Okay, I don't see spelling errors......
So, this is good, I like how they forget about it, and don't long over for periods of time, and I hope to see more!
Happy Review Day 2013 June!
Thanks!
Team Fire Flower!
pegasusgirl2
Hi Waarheid and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review for the Tsunami Tyrants.
Overall, I think you had some beautiful words and images that expressed the emotions of love and loss well.
My main critique would be the rhyming. Typically I expect more of a standard rhythm pattern to the lines in a rhyming piece, but this doesn't have one. The middle stanza isn't so bad since it flows when you say it out loud, but the first stanza and the last (and the "bouts of glee" line) didn't work so well for me. "I'll try higher than the skies are" doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe you can say something about heat to go with lighter and fire?
I think the last stanza struggles more because it adopts this strict AAAAA rhyme scheme, whereas the previous stanza relies more on internal rhyme and switches it up. The rhyming does some strange things--hopefully instead of hope, "thee" in an otherwise modern-looking poem. I like the ending though, I think it hints at the speaker going to someone else to bury their sadness.
Generally, this is inconsistently punctuated. I generally suggest punctuating as you would in prose, but it's up to you. However, do be consistent.
Overall, good stuff, just some issues with rhyming in a couple places. Good job, welcome again, and most importantly, KEEP WRITING!
Hey Waarheid,
It's nice to meet you! I'm Audy, I'll be digging right into this today. If you have any questions or wish to chat this up, just shoot me a PM. I love to discuss poetry, like, anytime all the time, so I promise I won't bite ^_^
Reading this was a joy, the flow of it was as smooth as silk. I get the impression it's about the speaker's refusal to get over a breakup, or get over a fight/argument with the girl he's in love with. There's even a tinge of hopefulessness and forgiveness that I especially liked, and would love to see that play out more. There's a lot of emotion in the speaker, but not much emotion that sorta spills out over to me/readers -- that could just be me, but I think by adding more imagery, you can try to evoke more emotion in you I love the voice - there's a subtle peculiarity in the layout of the words that works really well: "I'm motivated to slow the hatred" as an example - it's a unique expression/unique use of "slow" there, and there are tons of phrases like this throughout, so it was engaging and refreshing in that sense.
There were a few places where I thought the phrasing went just a *little* too awkward. So, your first two lines as an example. Too many "mys" in that first line that can probably be omitted. Because the subject of that sentence is "lighter's fire" -- the "I'll try harder" comes in rather awkwardly. In my mind, I'm supposing you mean the action and movement of the fire, and you want to try harder to make bigger fires, but that sentence does not express that sentiment, so it just needs a bit of reconfiguring.
Also, here:
I'm sure there's a much stronger verb and more vivid verb to use rather than: making my way", it just seems like a mouthful. "Unlimited bouts" feels the same way, it's like the word: very. It's unnecessary. The "to" seems awkward as well: I'm making my way to glee, just doesn't make sense. I suppose you can reach for glee or try to grasp or attain it.
The second /shorter part of the poem is not as strong as the first, I don't think. I do like the decision you made in shortening the lines. It really picks up pace here which is very interesting and pleasant to read. I think the experimenting here, and the end rhymes :ee sound sort of enhance that pace/quickening -- just watch out for that third line, because it bogs the pace back down again. The :Where am I supposed to be? / Supposedly she's over me -- is a bit repetitive frankly - we've already established all of that in the first part.
Other than those little technicalities, good job!
on the Hot Sauce rating!
Keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
Wow. Bravo, my friend! ^-^
I'll start off my telling you what I liked about the poem...
1. You have creative metaphors and analogies. The comparison of the speaker's love interest and that which is to be kindled by a flame, which in turn, is analogous to the speaker's own emotions.
2. Your descriptions hold promise. The thought-provoking lines of...
"I'm motivated to slow the hatred
Overtaking the illusions that we know we'll make it
I've seen people that make honest promises just to break them
I'm tired of waking up at six in the AM"
...show that the speaker is experienced and has gone through many tiresome, monotonous troubles and sometimes feels as if there is simply nothing left... Except that yearning passion for love. Also, the line...
"Remembering the fantasies where she was cold and naked"
...Brought a shiver down my spine, filled with loneliness and remorse. I applaud you there! xD
Now, as reviews go, it is time for me to suggest some alterations:
1. "I'm tired of waking up at six in the AM" could be "I'm tired of waking up at six AM" instead. This would sound a little smoother.
2. Just a suggestion for a smoother structure and greater clarity: "If my lighter's fire can inspire 'the' (instead of "my" again) words to ignite her".
3. Maybe "Pressing on the boundaries, stressing on without her?" could be rearranged (for aesthetics and the like) to say "Pressing on my boundaries, isn't her absence distressing?"
Well, congratulations on making your first post, mate! I'm glad to have you aboard!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Thanks for sharing your intriguing poem!
Sincerely,
Seraph