Three go in, one comes out,
no one knows what its all about.
Wind of change, force of reckoning,
nothing turns, its only happening.
Calming to many, disturbing to others,
deadly to all, mothers and fathers.
Everyones blind, including myself and I,
no one asking the obvious question, why, oh why?
Gibberish is all thats fathomed,
distorted and gnarled, by a lone phantom.
Murder, torture, alive and well,
subconsciously accepted, mini versions of hell.
'We should of...' replaced 'We should...',
no one saying 'We could...'
Reminded, forgotten, a perpetual rhythm,
few are giving, but all are taking, and then some.
No voices heard, no one stands,
because they have stood, but their legs broken,
by their fellow man.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hello there!
Well from the very start this poem sounded intriguing what with the Grim Reaper setting that this poem is oozing with. I for one absolutely and irrevocably love dark cynical poems. Though I cannot really work out the underlying meaning. Is it about some sort of colonization wherein people have accepted their fate and instead of rebelling they have decided to be docile? Or is it about the apocalypse wherein people are not fighting back? I think latter but I am still in double minds.
I for one am especially stuck on that first few lines:
"Three go in, one comes out,
no one knows what its all about."
I have really pulled my hair trying to figure it out. And yet I have absolutely no theories for it though that line still continues to fascinate me.
Anyways I have one suggestion for you: You should capitalize each line as the random capitalization was personally quite distracting for me.
Other than that I LOVED your poem. Funny, considering I don't even know what it's about!
Aso I really think you should explain your poem because the curiosity is very much killing me.
This poem started out well and ended really well, but I have some suggestions for tweaks throughout.
"Everyones blind, including myself and I, / no one asking the obvious question, why, oh why?"
I really was not a fan of these two lines - your rhyming just seems too forced and the use of a question like this doesn't provide a lot of substance for readers.
"Murder, torture, alive and well, / subconsciously accepted, mini versions of hell."
Also not a fan of this - "mini versions of hell" just sounds so informal. You can still use the word hell, I would just remove the mini part - it doesn't fit with the dark theme of the rest of the poem. The word mini reminds me of puppies and angels and rainbows - it takes away from your imagery.
"'We should of...' replaced 'We should...',"
This should read: "We should have..." in order to be grammatically correct.
"few are giving, but all are taking, and then some."
Use of "and them some" takes away from the flow of your piece.
Overall, I really like the theme of this piece. The beginning and ending are great - just some minor suggestions I have made throughout to improve the piece. Great work!
Hi,
This poem has great rhythm, I love it! I can't quite work out what it's about, but that's one of the things I really like about it, that people can interpret it however they may wish to. There were no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors in this piece of work, so well done for that as well.
The only things that I would say could probably use some improvement are the lines, ''We should of...' replaced 'We should...' and ,'nothing turns, its only happening.' The first one doesn't make any sense to me. Why does adding the word 'of' provide such a contrast to the sentence? However, I liked the variety of punctuation that was used in this line, and with slightly better expression it will make your work even better.
The second line I have read over two or three times, and I still don't quite understand it. In a way it's kind of interesting trying to work out what it means but other people may not feel this way and because of this I think it would be a good idea if you tried to word this differently.
I like the way you have only capitalised certain lines in the poem, that shows a real understanding of how a poem should look.
Overall apart from those minor things which can be easily taken care of, your poem was a puzzling yet mesmerising read! I look forward to reading more of your work, and feel free to check out my work sometime!
Yours,
priceofwords
Hey, just dropped by...
Your wording was good and I could really feel the desperation in the narrator's voice here. There was a sort of zest in the black atmosphere here that I really found pleasing (yes, quite ironically tho).
This one was intriguing by its dark tone and story... I like it
When I read this out loud, I noticed that it could be read in a sort of Trochaic way (though I know trochaic is like only 4ft per line), like a chant... though I soon realized that that tone broke in the 7th line and broke again in the 13th and 14th. I also found this line a little confusing: "few are giving, but all are taking, and then some." And then some what?
Anyway, I hope this helps and that you continue making good poems!
Grow as a writer and keep dreaming!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)