Published June 5, 2011
Kamari knew there was some sort of catch. As she sat in the palace garden writing the final sentence of her history essay, the sun had just begun to descend. Kamari knew that all over the kingdom other children would be returning home from play ready to relax with their families. She had done so before she turned five. Kamari packed up her scrolls and books with disbelief. Sunset now and dinner soon, yet she had no assignments.
No reading, no reciting, nothing. For the first time since she turned five, Kamari was actually caught up to schedule. Maybe she could actually do this. Maybe she was Tailor material after all.
The Matron Tailor would be proud when she heard. The thought of her mother made Kamari more wary. She took her list of subjects out her knapsack and reviewed them all triple-checking that she did not forget any. She hadn't.
She would wash up now and have time to read after dinner. Kamari was closing up her knapsack when she saw her sister approaching.
The three year old child walked as if she was the Matron Tailor herself. Neck high and proper, but there was a gait in the girl that the Matron tailor did not possess. A gait of one who owned the world and felt it owed her everything. There was also a brightness in her eyes that told of current mischief.
Kamari considered walking away before she got there. What could her sister have to say that she needed to hear? But Kamari had learned that the easiest way to avoid trouble was to be nice to her sister, so she waited.
"Hi, Roslen."
"Did you finish your essay, Kamari?"
"I did four essays today. But, yes, they're all finished."
Roslen frowned.
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140,963 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
Okay so here's what I thought, you need a hook because while I was reading it I was waiting for something to catch me and it just didn't, so I would throw in a little something to build suspense in the reader. Because to be honest if this was the beginning of the whole story I would probably stop reading because nothing grabbed me that I just really wanted to know more about. Secondly, I was confused on a time period or how to picture the characters was supposed to look like I wasn't sure what to picture. And that's something that I love being able to know straight off the bat so that I can kind of start the movie real in my head. You know? I did like when you were talking about how the sister of Kamari walked like Matron Tailor. So, I would say you're almost there it just needs some razzle dazzle thrown in to it.
Firstly, you needn't post your story twice in different forums. Believe me, we can all see it the first time
As for the review I'm not going to nipick because I get the feeling you're looking for an overall impression of the beginning?
For the beginning of a chapter this is fine, but it doesn't yet contain any fiction hooks that make me want to read on. At the moment, you are literally telling us what your character did in a list like form and there is nothing left for us to wonder about or puzzle over. It seems to be a normal day and nothing out of the ordinary appears to be happening.
Your writing style is quite good, but I couldn't help but notice that you do a lot of telling rather than showing. Allow the reader to make inferences in their mind from what you have told them, not just directly state how the character is feeling.
I hope this review is helpful, and sorry if it seems a little harsh!
Happy writing