Silver of feathers
A freedom of told
Another reign of old
A Turn only left cold
***********************
Peace in death
Known to left
Peace in death
Warm dread to the rest
***********************
Happy loving mild
Also known by child
A soul for not and all
Strike to blow to fall
***********************
Peace in death
Known to left
Peace in death
Warm dread to the rest
***********************
Strength in number
Strength in mind
Coal and ashes
Left from Child
***********************
To you the end
A chance to best
I know this pool
Know so dread
A life my child
Thine life be shed
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey Virgilius,
It's MergSword here with a review!
I love your descriptive words! In fact, I like this about all your works really, your just so god with detail, wordplay and descriptive language. It's just beautiful, splendid, fabulous, breath taking and other words that rhyme with perfect!
Tell me all your secrets, how did you become so good! Are you a secret robot?
Anyway I really like your introduction.
And also, I'm not gonna ask about the rhyme scheme because I do the exact same thing.
Great Work!
Hay to all asking about the rhyme scheme. I usually write in more of a free verse because I like the chaos that can be represented without even considering the words them selves. I like chaos in my work. But for this I was trying to create a deeper sense of that chaos by using a chaotic form of order. I consider a defined rhyme scheme as representative of order ...so I went and used this "order" for disorder. I hope you can agree with my idea... but please say if it wasn't all that successful.
And if anyone has any ideas of how I can better ecsicute my idea of chaotic order ...please do say!!!
Hi, Vergilius!! RagingLive here to review your poem!!
I haven't seen you around much on YWS, unless I haven't been looking in the right places. I must say, though, that I'm delightfully surprised at the caliber of your poem! I found it very professional and well executed. I did, however, find a few nitpicks.
I don't quite understand why the 'turn' here was capitalized, but maybe it was just a typo. I could also just be missing something, however, this also happened again later on with the word 'child' in the fifth paragraph. I would suggest that you go and edit those so that it doesn't confuse other readers.
Like Steampowered, I feel as though the sequence that you have your poem laid out is a bit untidy. If I take it paragraph by paragraph, this is the rhyming pattern you have:
ABBB / ABAB / AABB / ABAB / ABCD / ABCDED
The only place where you showed consistency was with the ABAB and that was a repetitive stanza.
To be honest, I was a little more than confused throughout your entire poem. I was unable to grasp the whole meaning of your work, and instead, I only understood little bits at a time. I suggest that you remove all of the stars that separate the paragraphs and rework this poem more as free-verse with rhythm instead of rhyme. Later, if the rhyme comes to you, it happens. But even later if it doesn't, we have a clear understanding of your poem as well as a tidy beat.
I hope I didn't offend you in any way as that was not my intention. If you do need to set me straight on anything or just have a question, please feel free to message me in the comments below or PM me.
I hope I get to see more of your work in the future!
Until then, keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
The turn refers to a neck being broken eg life being ended ...thus I felt a capital was required.
Oh, I didn't get that at all, my bad!! (You still might want to make that a bit more clear because the capital letter only distracts)
See you around!!
This poem is very well done. Each line had the theme present in it, as did the verses. I liked the rhythm and rhyming. I liked the freedom in the structure of it too. Each line and verse were cleverly put together. Each metaphor was employed beautifully. I can tell you have a lot of experience in writing.
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
This was an interesting poem, and it rhymed, which is definitely a big plus for me. However, I do have a few critiques:
To be honest, the rhyming is all over the place. You start off with an ABBB rhyming pattern, then an AAAB (?) rhyming pattern, then an AABB pattern… and so on and so forth. It looks a bit untidy, so I would personally either make the rhyming patterns consistent or else take the rhyming out altogether.
This is a bit of a nitpicky point, but sometimes you randomly capitalise words. I’d recommend not capitalising words randomly – having words such as “Turn” and “Child” in the middle of the line seems to interfere (in the reader’s mind at least) with the smooth flow of the poem.
The other thing I would say is that the “peace in death” thing was really interesting when repeated, but it did make me wonder if this poem would be better off as song lyrics – I mean, they do tend to have a chorus which repeats. I feel like your rhythm is stable enough to be put to music, but that’s just an idea which you obviously don’t have to take.
I mean, I did kind of like this and to me, it made me think of a mother who’s casting some kind of spell to raise her child from the dead (I’m not sure why, but it did… I guess it’s under fantasy, so you never know, maybe it could be) Obviously this is just my opinion and reaction to the poem and I’m not the biggest poetry writer or reader, so hopefully this review isn’t too crushing. It’s great to see a YWSer active on the site again, and keep writing!