z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Little One

by Virgilius


Oww little one

Why do you stretch up high

Reach above 

To your mamas broken eyes

***************************

Why do you smile at her plight

Why do you love then die

This life of mine is not for one

A life I suffer till all is done

**************************

I flew and fell and learned its spell

But like your smile in ignorance I dwell

For a life of spite pain and loss

Is all I can tell...

**************************

To you young one I hope for more

Hope an endless logic-less thought driven

Driven by a need for survival

A need to have a light in that tunnel

************************

I self saw that light and then

Once even touched and bent in dread

As this light is like all others

Merely a flame for the moth... 

and hope only a pain

waiting for touch

************************

Owww young one what do you see in this life

It is cold and I am old

You are young with hopes till then

In time you will see ,feel ,know me

AND you will ask

"Oww little one"

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245 Reviews

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:59 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Cello here!

This review is going to be rather short.

This was a very interesting poem but I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was good, yes, but... I just don't know how to put it into words.

Onto the editing

You changed rhythm patterns quite a bit. I'm personally not a fan of this, I like consistency and sticking to a single pattern shows more skill. Sure, you can change the pattern to whatever's easiest for the time being, or you can work at it until you find a way to make everything. You lack punctation too. I write poetry, I get it, punctation isn't always needed, but I feel like it is here. Not periods but commas. Lots of commas. Add them, improve the flow, help the reader.

Is all I can tell...


*Sirens* Ellipsis police!

Okay- this ellipsis isn't needed and the poem would do far better without it. Sorry, I really hate these things. Unless using it in a formal paper to show a quote being changed, or used perfectly in dialogue of sorts, I never suggest using these. Ellipsises (Is that the plural?) can often take away form poems and make the writer look unprofessional. It didn't go to that extreme here but it definitely didn't help anything.

Merely a flame for the moth...

Same thing here- take out the ellipsis.

In time you will see ,feel ,know me

AND you will ask


Hmm. A pet peeve of mine- using capitalization for emphasis. Honestly, the and doesn't need to be emphasized, but if you intend to keep it, I beg that you use italics.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello




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279 Reviews

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

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Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:27 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

This is a good poem but it isn't thought properly through. Like you have the perfect idea but you don't execute it correctly- yet it seems like the message is that don't grow up too soon. There are some parts that seem more forced than others and I liked the rhyme style you had.

However, I like to go over some things in here that could possible help you later:

Oww little one

Why do you stretch up high

Reach above

To your mamas broken eyes


The beginning of this stanza is poorly done- but with some correct execution you can make it a better one. I would suggest removing 'Oww' completely and just have 'little one' since it will make more sense and easier to read- and could bring the reader in. The next stanza- to me- should be italics since it seems more of a thought rather than a feeling. Also the next two stanzas don't seem to go along with the last two stanza- however you can choose to leave it the way it is! You are the poet!

Why do you smile at her plight

Why do you love then die

This life of mine is not for one

A life I suffer till all is done



This stanza seems forced and doesn't seem to convey to the overall theme/message. I would suggest re-reading this and reading some poems that could have the same plot line that you are trying to make here.
Why do you love then die
This line doesn't seem to be correctly written- I would suggest Why do you love
and disappear in a blink
of an eye or something similar.

This life of mine is not for one

A life I suffer till all is done

I feel like this stanza is amateuristic. I would suggest This life,
Is all the life I suffer and
I wait until it is done .

Overall, you have a lovely poem here. This can grow into something else like what Unfunnyguy had said; I would imagine this as a short story or something. Nicely done and hopefully I get to read more from you!

If you want me to go over anything else, let me know!

Steggy




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Points: 107
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Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:42 pm
Unfunnyguy1998 wrote a review...



I like the idea of the poem. How the ignorance of the child hurts her. The repetition of the "oww little one" shows that she is hurt by child. I don't know what else to write but I have to write 250 characters. So guess I might as well say you should write more. You clearly show how you can write deep poetry. Maybe you should continue to do this however from what I read here you may be suited to more of a short story form or even a complete novella.





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