Oww little one
Why do you stretch up high
Reach above
To your mamas broken eyes
***************************
Why do you smile at her plight
Why do you love then die
This life of mine is not for one
A life I suffer till all is done
**************************
I flew and fell and learned its spell
But like your smile in ignorance I dwell
For a life of spite pain and loss
Is all I can tell...
**************************
To you young one I hope for more
Hope an endless logic-less thought driven
Driven by a need for survival
A need to have a light in that tunnel
************************
I self saw that light and then
Once even touched and bent in dread
As this light is like all others
Merely a flame for the moth...
and hope only a pain
waiting for touch
************************
Owww young one what do you see in this life
It is cold and I am old
You are young with hopes till then
In time you will see ,feel ,know me
AND you will ask
"Oww little one"
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139,597 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hey! Cello here!
This review is going to be rather short.
This was a very interesting poem but I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was good, yes, but... I just don't know how to put it into words.
Onto the editing
You changed rhythm patterns quite a bit. I'm personally not a fan of this, I like consistency and sticking to a single pattern shows more skill. Sure, you can change the pattern to whatever's easiest for the time being, or you can work at it until you find a way to make everything. You lack punctation too. I write poetry, I get it, punctation isn't always needed, but I feel like it is here. Not periods but commas. Lots of commas. Add them, improve the flow, help the reader.
*Sirens* Ellipsis police!
Okay- this ellipsis isn't needed and the poem would do far better without it. Sorry, I really hate these things. Unless using it in a formal paper to show a quote being changed, or used perfectly in dialogue of sorts, I never suggest using these. Ellipsises (Is that the plural?) can often take away form poems and make the writer look unprofessional. It didn't go to that extreme here but it definitely didn't help anything.
Same thing here- take out the ellipsis.
Hmm. A pet peeve of mine- using capitalization for emphasis. Honestly, the and doesn't need to be emphasized, but if you intend to keep it, I beg that you use italics.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a good poem but it isn't thought properly through. Like you have the perfect idea but you don't execute it correctly- yet it seems like the message is that don't grow up too soon. There are some parts that seem more forced than others and I liked the rhyme style you had.
However, I like to go over some things in here that could possible help you later:
The beginning of this stanza is poorly done- but with some correct execution you can make it a better one. I would suggest removing 'Oww' completely and just have 'little one' since it will make more sense and easier to read- and could bring the reader in. The next stanza- to me- should be italics since it seems more of a thought rather than a feeling. Also the next two stanzas don't seem to go along with the last two stanza- however you can choose to leave it the way it is! You are the poet!
This stanza seems forced and doesn't seem to convey to the overall theme/message. I would suggest re-reading this and reading some poems that could have the same plot line that you are trying to make here.
Why do you love then die
This line doesn't seem to be correctly written- I would suggest Why do you love
and disappear in a blink
of an eye or something similar.
This life of mine is not for one
A life I suffer till all is done
I feel like this stanza is amateuristic. I would suggest This life,
Is all the life I suffer and
I wait until it is done .
Overall, you have a lovely poem here. This can grow into something else like what Unfunnyguy had said; I would imagine this as a short story or something. Nicely done and hopefully I get to read more from you!
If you want me to go over anything else, let me know!
Steggy
I like the idea of the poem. How the ignorance of the child hurts her. The repetition of the "oww little one" shows that she is hurt by child. I don't know what else to write but I have to write 250 characters. So guess I might as well say you should write more. You clearly show how you can write deep poetry. Maybe you should continue to do this however from what I read here you may be suited to more of a short story form or even a complete novella.