your fingers gripped the handaxe
that broke skin and fractured bone.
the weight of the hatchet hanging heavy
in your hands as you tore me down
from the ground. from my roots.
with your the weapon reposed in the grass
skipped stones scatter across the pond.
ripples made by mosquitoes skidding
across the water. i watch the rocks sink.
i watch the sediment disperse and
explode like fireworks in the sky,
only less astonishing.
the leaves crackled underneath your boots
snapped twigs eclipse where you were headed.
the same twigs trampled over
by woodland creatures and small game.
the treetops were a tattered, inside-out umbrella that day
leaves upturned and inverted by the wind.
you left the hatchet in the oak tree
where i slept, limbs shackled to the earth by gravity.
not long after i woke to find shoes filled with puddles
and feet unkempt and you gone, the ground trembled.
lightning struck. you always told me that lightning
is god taking a taser to the earth; i never believed you
but that day i needed someone to bring me to the dirt.
wasn't long before the grass
around the trunk began to yellow.
a landmark that shows where you were headed
but never where you ended up.
Author's Note: This is an earlier draft of a poem for once! Mainly putting this up for feedback to see the general reaction to this and I'll go from there. Is this coherent? Are there issues with the flow? Are there unnecessary words here? Is that line about the taser weird or not-fitting the tone? I've got the gist of how I want to improve on this, though all opinions and criticism are welcome. Thanks in advance.
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139,905 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hello, Nikayla! Gxldencrxwns, once again, here for a review! First, I'll start with your questions, then I'll point out anything I have to say, which is not very much.
First question: Yes, this is very coherent. I enjoy the different meanings the were shown (in my eyes, of course) through every line.
Second question: The flow was perfect. I didn't really see overly huge or overly used words that would break the flow.
Third question: I did find one unnecessary word. In the line: "in your hands as you tore me down from the ground up. from my roots."
I believe the words down, and the ground up could be removed, making it: "in your hands as you tore me from my roots." In my opinion, it sounds smoother than what you had before.
Fourth question: The line about the laser taser line (I snickered when I saw that) is perfectly fine.
Now, on to my words. I have one question: Is there a specific reason it goes from your to I in the lines? There's nothing wrong with it, it just confuses me a bit.
Also, I don't know if that's what you do in poetry, but I'd like to point out the uncapitalized Is. I don't know if that's how they're written in poems, but it kind of annoyed me a bit.
Well, this is the end of this review, have a nice morning/day/night, and keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns
The uncapitalized 'I's are a stylistic choice.
I'm unsure of what problem you have with 'your' to 'i' is unless the poem doesn't make the fact that there's both a speaker and another person obvious. There are two people here.
Going back to the first question, you never tell me what the different meanings are. I'd like to know what your varying interpretations are, if you'd care to go into further depth about that.
Hi there! Midnight here again for a review. I'll break this down, and in the process or at the end I'll try to answer your questions. I'm going to jump right on in.
.
First off, this line; " you tore me down
from the ground up. from my roots."
I would add a few words to that last part. Something like this; "You tore me from (or up from) my roots."
That was really the only big thing I noticed. This is just a nitpick, but please capitalize the I's.
Now, for your questions.
First one; It is very coherent. I like how there are several meanings in it, each individual reader can choose his/her own meaning from this poem.
Second question; I found no issues with the flow. except for that one line mentioned above.
Third question; There are no unnecessary words that I found.
Fourth question; I found no trouble with the taser line.
So, overall, very great poem. Sorry for the nitpicks and if this isn't helpful.
I have a question. Why should the 'I's be capitalized? Just a question.
Thanks for the review though!
That's just the way I was taught. That single I's should be capitalized. It's just a nitpick, not necessary to the poem.
Ah, that makes more sense. Thanks for explaining!
No problem!