My Life Story

Salutations, curious mind!

Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

I believe that you had an amazing start.
Your introduction really got to me and it was also very relatable, you described the way a teenager acts very well. The fact that you even placed the beeps from the alarm is cute. Another thing is that your sentences vary between short and long, which is nicely structured. ~You have a nice writing style.~ Placing expressions in your story adds more feeling to it as well as those capital lettered sentences in the argument.

You did a pretty cool job over here!

Areas to Improve:✒️

You could make it more clearer that her ~pop pop~ is actually her grandfather, because from my point of view, I had mistaken him for her step father for a second. I know that pop pop means grandfather, but this sentence seemed a bit weird. Remember to think about your use of words and your interpretation in the sentences.

It was this part that it looked like she had a stepfather ~

I go back downstairs before going to the bus and I help the man that has taken on the role of 'father' for the last 11 7 years. Get him his paper, put his shoes and socks on, put on his favorite morning show, he knows and remembers how to do it himself but, I like knowing that I'm taking care of the man that took care of me for so many years after my father abandoned me at birth.

Over here, It is very clear that it is her grandfather you were actually talking about ~

I was so so so mad!! HOW DARE SHE?! I was trying to get up for school and she decided to ruin my day! In all of the anger I forgot to help my Pop pop with his morning ritual so my grandma had to do it. Mind you, they're 21 years apart so she gets around better being she's 61 and he's 82. I will say though, she loves him as if she were a teenager still, madly in love.

~~~

I feel like your first day was a bit rushed. The story had a nice pacing from the beginning, I was really getting into that vibe, but then all of a sudden you kind of skipped everything and went back home. I am not sure if that was your intention. If it was, don't mind skipping this suggestion.

The bus comes, I get on, dredge through school, and come back home.

~~~

Between these two sentences you can place some kind of line or dots or something that the readers know there is time skip to another day or some other hour.

Before:

I shouldn't have.
*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

After:

I shouldn't have.
***
This is optional >> The next morning
*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

You can also do that at the part where she goes to school and comes back.
Asterisks are a great way to organise time skips and it makes the story much more fun to read.
~~~

I would suggest you make your title/head a little bigger/bold/cursive if you want to.
That way it speaks more as a title.

Chapter One - Hero

~~~
I feel like you should try to show more than tell your story. Throughout your story I see some “showing” come to life, so I don’t think that will be a problem for you. You’re on the right track!

This part tells us that she was mad.

I was so so so mad!! HOW DARE SHE?! I was trying to get up for school and she decided to ruin my day!

But this part shows us that she was mad.

In all of the anger I forgot to help my Pop pop with his morning ritual so my grandma had to do it. Mind you, they're 21 years apart so she gets around better being she's 61 and he's 82. I will say though, she loves him as if she were a teenager still, madly in love.

Nailed It!💐

To be honest, this was my favourite part for several reasons. This part was not only funny, it was also relatable. I mean teenagers, this is like the raw reality of how they react. Usually the mothers also say, “Young lady…” Great job making this as relatable as possible, that way it makes your story more fun to read. Absolutely nailed it!

"WHAT?"
"I'VE SEEN YOUR ROOM AND YOU NEED TO CLEAN IT!"
"WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? IT'S FRIGGIN 6:37 IN THE MORNING! CAN WE DO THIS AFTER SCHOOL?"
"FINE BUT DON'T EXPECT ME TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES!"
"WHATEVER I'M GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL, PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME BE!"
"FINE, BUT WHEN YOU GET HOME I EXPECT THIS ROOM TO BE SPOTLESS!"

Overall Feelings:

I believe that this is the start of something bigger. You have a nice writing style combined with your several characters. I would suggest, apart from Victoria, maybe flesh out the other characters too a bit. That way your readers actually get to know them. I love your concept and the direction you are taking things.

I would totally encourage you to continue this story if you feel comfortable with that.

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

This is astory of someone who also went through a lot in life. Take a look at it, maybe you will enjoy it. You never know!

3/30/23 by @Starling1105

I have always had a very spoiled life. I grew up having everything I could need and many things I wanted. I lived comfortably. I never had to worry about not having food, water, or power. I never had to worry about violence in my family's house or our community. If I am honest, I grew up very sheltered from the problems in the world. However, even though I had a very good life, it did not go without a problem. Throughout my life, I have had struggle after struggle.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

Hey there VictoriaRae! A belated welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying the site so far. I'm popping by for a quick review this evening.

I'm interested in that you say this is your life story but you're turning it into a piece of fiction. It can be hard to do that and still manage to create a flawed character (because we're all human, but calling out your flaws on paper might feel a little personal!). I'm looking forward to seeing how you balance that kind of thing in a story about yourself.

I smack the radio's snooze to shut it up for 5 more minutes, 6:30 am. Why? Why do people think this is an acceptable time to wake up? Even more so, an acceptable time to start waking up for school. Poppycock.

This is a great intro as it shows us the narrative voice really clearly.

My name is Victoria. I'm 11 years old. Today is December 6th, 2005.

Oooh I'm already excited for this very specific blast from the past! It wasn't clear immediately after this though why we're talking about wanting to be in high school. For me, it didn't really fit with anything in the rest of the paragraph.

The bus comes, I get on, dredge through school, and come back home. I'm in the driveway again, something feels off. I go into my pop pops room, give him a kiss and go and do my homework so I can go on the computer. Next thing I know it's 9 o'clock PM and my grandma is yelling at me to get off the computer. See, we have dial-up so if she picked up the phone, she'd know I was online.

The pacing here was a bit too fast for me. I understand we're trying to get through the day but having the whole day in one paragraph was a bit intense I think.

I ran inside and to my Pop pops bedroom. There he lay. Dead and cold. I ran over to him, apologizing for not helping him in the morning, for not putting his shoes and socks on, for not getting his paper, and most of all for not telling him, goodbye and I loved him before going off to school. All because I was mad at my mom for yelling at me about cleaning my room. I blamed myself that my hero was gone.

Oof that's heavy. I think you set this up well at the beginning, because this is kind of where I felt the story going. I do think the beginning of the chapter is stronger than the end. The end is a little too fast, and I feel like the impact of the ending is lost because it was so quick. I definitely think this has potential, but there's some building upon it to be done.

Also, I think this is a personal preference but sometimes I find the oopmh is lost a bit when characters speak in full capitals - perhaps try just using exclamation marks?

I'd also be interested in seeing what a chapter two of this would bring! If you post more, feel free to tag me

Hope this was helpful!

Icy

Hey, foxmaster here for a review!
Wow, this was really inserting, and I am sorry that this happened to you. Not a lot of people on here write their life story, so it's pretty cool that you wrote about yours. This was really well written, but I have a few critiques.

I head up the stairs to go to sleep, enter my room and in my room is the enterance to the attic. I always found that creepy but, I ignored it. I take out my earrings and take off my choker, I put on my PJ's and climb into bed. I start thinking of all the things that I COULD be as I drift of to sleep. In the middle of the night, I thought I heard knocking on the attic door. I decided to ignore it.

I shouldn't have.

for example, here, you kind of flip-flop between past and present tense, which makes the first chapter here slightly disjointed. I recommend fixing that.

I looked at Lucky, he hung his head low.

Here, I would put "As" at the front of the sentence, to make this a bit more sense.

I ran inside and to my Pop pops bedroom. There he lay. Dead and cold. I ran over to him, apologizing for not helping him in the morning, for not putting his shoes and socks on, for not getting his paper, and most of all for not telling him, goodbye and I loved him before going off to school. All because I was mad at my mom for yelling at me about cleaning my room. I blamed myself that my hero was gone.

I feel like in this moment, you could have described your sadness a bit more, other than just you apologizing, because I feel like this moment could be a lot more emotional that way.
Other than that, though, I found this very sad and I can tell you're a great writer! I look forward to reading the second chapter of this. Also, if you're looking for anything to review, maybe you could do some of my work.
I wish you a good day/night.
-Foxmaster