Hey there, Vermiliondawn! hexglass here for a review.
To start off, I really enjoyed the ideas you've explored here in this poem, especially the circular way you've tied this piece together with the idea of 'sight'. It's interesting, in reading it I felt there was a very strong rhythm here, a sort of momentum; reminiscent of a rap, perhaps? In any case, it was easy to fall into and I really believe that is a great strength of yours.
As a bit of a stickler for grammar, it's really the main issue for me here. In many places, you have capitalised words which do not need it, and sometimes you're missing commas -- which would really help with readability and flow.
With out realizing that reality is ever changing. Therefore There's no way to predict or understand humans or as to why our actions occur. With that in mind I am beginning to understand that in order to understand while trying to be understanding, Understanding the words of understanding which to my understanding serve to understand me need to be understood in order to gain some understanding.
I just want to point out that 'without' is a single word, and there's no need to capitalise 'there's' in the second sentence of this excerpt. Where you've written 'or as to why our actions occur', I might suggest you take out 'as to', because an easy way to check sentence accuracy is to forget everything in between the verb and subject. In your case, you want to focus on 'understand' and 'why our actions occur'. As soon as this runs smoothly, you can put 'humans or' back in! :^) Thus, it should read:
'Therefore there's no way to predict or understand humans or why our actions occur.'
For your sentence centred around 'understanding', I'd like to first say that it's beautifully written. The flexibility of the English language is captured so well, and for that, kudos! Some parts I'd like to draw your attention to is that you've capitalised 'understanding' after the first comma in the sentence, which is unnecessary. Another thing, and this is purely a suggestion based on personal taste: you could break up the sentence with more punctuation for the sake of clarity. By that, I mean something along the lines of:
'With that in mind, I am beginning to understand that in order to understand while trying to be understanding, understanding the words of understanding -- which to my understanding serve to understand me -- need to be understood, in order to gain some understanding.'
In my view, it doesn't detract from the fluidity of your sentence, and instead makes it much easier to understand and hence appreciate. However, I completely understand if you'd rather not change it, since the original way it has been written also achieves its purpose and communicates the key ideas.
From that point onward, I can detect a stronger beat and some noticeable rhyme, which I find is a nice touch -- perhaps, for consistency, I'd prefer that rhyme to be present throughout the poem, but once again it's just personal taste. The capitalisation is still a point I want to bring up, however, because it can distract the reader from the profundity of your content. That aside, you also use a lot of short sentences. They're really great for emphasis or a break from longer, more complex lines, but using too many in succession or truncating a sentence prematurely (when the shorter one that follows could easily be integrated into the first) can detract from their value.
As a whole, I really liked this! For most of the review I've just been picking out grammar, but in terms of content, I found this poem extremely fascinating. Conformity is something I definitely think should be explored more, though I do get the sense that you're raising a few other ideas that obfuscate your original message as the poem progresses. Nonetheless, the poem comes to a very satisfying conclusion, moving from 20/20 vision to blindness. That, I think, is an exceptionally well-executed ending.
Looking forward to reading more of your writing!
Points: 25
Reviews: 10
Donate